Need grammatical help

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URMdan
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Need grammatical help

Postby URMdan » Wed Dec 15, 2010 5:30 pm

I am having trouble with a sentence. Is somebody willing to read it over for me and tell me if it sounds right?

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philosoraptor
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Re: Need grammatical help

Postby philosoraptor » Wed Dec 15, 2010 5:34 pm

Post it. Redact/replace sensitive info if need be.

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URMdan
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Re: Need grammatical help

Postby URMdan » Wed Dec 15, 2010 5:42 pm

This is the last sentence of my PS.

I have been challenged in unique ways and persevered through unorthodox circumstances, which is why I am confident that law school - the natural extension of my ability, personality, and interests - will foster the spirit that allowed me to help my family when they needed me most.

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philosoraptor
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Re: Need grammatical help

Postby philosoraptor » Wed Dec 15, 2010 7:42 pm

URMdan wrote:This is the last sentence of my PS.

I have been challenged in unique ways and persevered through unorthodox circumstances, which is why I am confident that law school - the natural extension of my ability, personality, and interests - will foster the spirit that allowed me to help my family when they needed me most.
Technically, your grammar is fine. But you're trying to cram too much into one sentence -- that's probably why you're having trouble with it. Try breaking it up into discrete units corresponding to the specific ideas you'd like to get across.

Overall, you've got a lot of generalities and buzzwords in there. I hope the rest of the PS has plenty of details and vivid writing.

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thecilent
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Re: Need grammatical help

Postby thecilent » Wed Dec 15, 2010 7:44 pm

The grammar is fine. The sentence is weak.

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URMdan
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Re: Need grammatical help

Postby URMdan » Wed Dec 15, 2010 7:54 pm

Would this be better?

I have been challenged in unique ways and persevered through unorthodox circumstances. This is why I am confident that law school, which I believe is the natural extension of my ability, personality, and interests, will foster the same spirit that allowed me to help my family when they needed me most.

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thecilent
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Re: Need grammatical help

Postby thecilent » Wed Dec 15, 2010 7:56 pm

I like the first one more.

I just don't like the whole "foster the same spirit." Why is your closing argument for going to law school that it will foster some spirit for you? Idk.

Take my comments lightly; my PS apparently wasn't great.

yesyesyes
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Re: Need grammatical help

Postby yesyesyes » Wed Dec 15, 2010 7:59 pm

if i'm not mistaken, the "natural extension" type sentencing is found in a sample statement online. i've seen several with that. don't know if you came up with it or not, but may wanna change it... no suggestions though lol.




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