Good enough for Final Draft??

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Fourthreetwo
Posts: 6
Joined: Sun Oct 31, 2010 5:34 pm

Good enough for Final Draft??

Postby Fourthreetwo » Wed Dec 15, 2010 1:20 pm

I can't think of anything else I can change... Please help

My parents immigrated to the United States in 1979 after the fall of the Shah of Iran, leaving behind their family in the newly formed Islamic Republic of Iran. They came to the United States for their education and the opportunities that could not be achieved in Iran. I was born and raised in Las Vegas suburbs, yet my parents still stressed the importance of our heritage and incorporated Iranian culture into my everyday life. Little things, like afternoon Farsi lessons with my grandfather, became invaluable assets and cherished memories later in life.

My initial curiosity about the legal system in America was sparked by my parents' journey towards naturalization. I grew up surrounded by Iranian-Americans and got a firsthand look at the financial, legal, and emotional difficulties that come with immigration. My parents dealt with these issues while trying to get their citizenship, and in turn, their degrees in America. During this time, the political situation in Iran was becoming more chaotic and the number of Iranian immigrants coming to the United States increased significantly. Many friends and relatives found this process more difficult because they needed legal advice and were not aware of their rights. They came to America because it is a democratic society, but they had to go through countless hurdles that could have been avoided through proper legal counsel.

As I reached my adolescence, my growing interest in government and law was fueled by the constant media coverage of the Middle East. The Iraq war began to unfold, and I realized that my background was not very welcome among many of my peers. I specifically remember an incident after 9/11, when my 6th grade math teacher jokingly asked me, in front of the class, if I was going to bomb the school. Over the years, I watched the controversy, issues, and negativity surrounding the Middle East become a part of my daily life. By the time I reached college, anti-Middle Eastern/Islamic sentiment was at an all time high. I found that my peers would often ask me about actions, events, and decisions made in the Middle East in order to better understand what was happening. It made me realize that a portion of our society, namely immigrants from the Middle East, had slowly developed a negative label by the media. Naturally, I felt appreciative that in our civic democratic society, an underrepresented population has the freedom to voice their opinions. As an Iranian-American, I felt like a minority, but our legal system allowed me to let my point of view be heard.

My main area of study at University of XXX had been Finance, yet that did not hinder me from taking courses on global society. For instance, I took a course on Middle Eastern Film, where we examined the complexity of Middle Eastern societies and a course on the Supreme Court, where we researched the impact of this judicial branch of government on a global scale. I was on a journey to familiarize myself with my parents’ culture, while learning about laws that protected them as immigrants. Through these courses, I became appreciative of the law as a protector of the rights of individuals because I felt that this privilege was not granted in many countries, including Iran.

In my third year of college, I began working at the Regional Justice Center in Las Vegas which solidified my desire to further my education in law. I had already laid down the foundation of wanting to educate myself on law and society, yet working in a legal environment for a year pushed me towards achieving that goal. My heritage is the source of my desire to study law and my experiences are my motivation to pursue it. I feel that it is important to voice my unique perspective on the legal system because I am an American, yet I am also an Iranian.

tourdeforcex
Posts: 428
Joined: Fri Jun 11, 2010 2:19 pm

Re: Good enough for Final Draft??

Postby tourdeforcex » Wed Dec 15, 2010 2:11 pm

your directions are vague so i offer what i can think of.

My parents immigrated to the United States in 1979 after the fall of the Shah of Iran, leaving behind their family in the newly formed Islamic Republic of Iran. They came to the United States for their education and the opportunities that could not be achieved in Iran. I was born and raised in Las Vegas suburbs, yet my parents still stressed the importance of our heritage and incorporated Iranian culture into my everyday life (I would suggest a change to: "While I was born and raised [...]," and cut the yet). Little things, like afternoon Farsi lessons with my grandfather, became invaluable assets and cherished memories later in life.

My initial curiosity about the legal system in America was sparked by my parents' journey towards naturalization. I grew up surrounded by Iranian-Americans and got a firsthand look at the financial, legal, and emotional difficulties that come with immigration. My parents dealt with these issues while trying to get their citizenship, and in turn, their degrees in America. During this time, the political situation in Iran was becoming more chaotic and the number of Iranian immigrants coming to the United States increased significantly. Many friends and relatives found this process more difficult because they needed legal advice and were not aware of their rights (i would switch the order, first not aware of their rights then needed legal advice b/c not being aware is probably stronger in making the process more difficult). They came to America because it is a democratic society, but they had to go through countless hurdles that could have been avoided through proper legal counsel.

As I reached my adolescence, my growing interest in government and law was fueled by the constant media coverage of the Middle East. The Iraq war began to unfold, and I realized that my background was not very welcome among many of my peers. I specifically remember an incident after 9/11, when my 6th grade math teacher jokingly asked me, in front of the class, if I was going to bomb the school. (this is a perfect place to add how you felt about that, if you felt anything strongly and it contributes to the piece) Over the years, I watched the controversy, issues, and negativity surrounding the Middle East become a part of my daily life. By the time I reached college, anti-Middle Eastern/Islamic sentiment was at an all time high (i would split Middle Eastern and Islamic: anti-Middle Eastern and anti-Islamic; the slash might seem indecisive). I found that my peers would often ask me about actions, events, and decisions made in the Middle East in order to better understand what was happening. It made me realize that a portion of our society, namely immigrants from the Middle East, had slowly developed a negative label by the media. (i feel like there should be another sentence here b/c the flow feels broken between these two sentences)Naturally, I felt (consider changing to feel) appreciative that in our civic democratic society, an underrepresented population has the freedom to voice their opinions. As an Iranian-American, I felt like a minority, but our legal system allowed me to let my point of view be heard.

My main area of study at University of XXX had been Finance, yet that did not hinder me from taking courses on global society (compared w/ how compelling your PS as been to this point, this sentence feels very bland, consider cutting and adding a different introduction, you don't need to mention your school's name, it will be apparent). For instance, I took a course on Middle Eastern Film, where we examined the complexity of Middle Eastern societies and a course on the Supreme Court, where we researched the impact of this judicial branch of government on a global scale. I was on a journey to familiarize myself with my parents’ culture, while learning about laws that protected them as immigrants. (continuing w/ previous suggestion, maybe make this your topic sentence, append: While at University of XX, I was on a journey [...])Through these courses, I became appreciative of the law as a protector of the rights of individuals because I felt that this privilege was not granted in many countries, including Iran .

In my third year of college, I began working at the Regional Justice Center in Las Vegas which solidified my desire to further my education in law. I had already laid down the foundation of wanting to educate myself on law and society, yet working in a legal environment for a year pushed me towards achieving that goal. My heritage is the source of my desire to study law and my experiences are my motivation to pursue it. (this sentence is the heart of your PS, try to bring more emphasis to it) I feel that it is important to voice my unique perspective on the legal system because I am an American, yet I am also an Iranian.

Overall a good PS, strong idea, just needs to be polished and it will be very strong, I feel it had a great intro, and middle, but the last two paragraphs fizzled, they felt less compelling. I suggest discussing current issues, the current situation between America and Iran. To sum up, your intro and middle are personal and substantive, the last two are less so, they read more like a "okay check out what i did" and feels forced. try to make the last two paragraphs more personal and relevant to now. feel free to PM w/ questions

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3|ink
Posts: 7331
Joined: Wed Dec 16, 2009 5:23 pm

Re: Good enough for Final Draft??

Postby 3|ink » Wed Dec 15, 2010 2:47 pm

A few thoughts come to mind (this is rare so bear with me):

• Everyone pokes fun at US immigration. You won’t stand out in this regard. From what you have written, it doesn’t seem like your family put up with anything more or less than the average immigrant.

• Even if that sixth grade teacher bomb joke is true, remove it. Doing this at any school, public or private, would cause so much controversy. That teacher would have been grilling burgers within a month. The reader is forced to wonder why you didn’t convey more detail about the incident. Then again, if you did go into more detail, it’d totally derail your personal statement. Lastly, it looks like a cheap shot at buying sympathy. Just take it out.

• Paragraph four has to go. The reader will have a copy of your transcript. There’s no need to repeat what is on it.

• If I were you, I’d pick a story from my experience at the Regional Justice Center in Las Vegas and base my personal statement on that. It sounds like this was the place that ultimately made you want to become an attorney. Was there a particular experience that led you to this conclusion? Tell us the story.




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