PLEASE critique.. first timer

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Fourthreetwo
Posts: 6
Joined: Sun Oct 31, 2010 5:34 pm

PLEASE critique.. first timer

Postby Fourthreetwo » Tue Dec 14, 2010 8:27 pm

I know its too short, but what do you think of it so far???


My parents immigrated to the United States in 1979 after the fall of the Shah of Iran; leaving behind their family in the newly formed Islamic Republic of Iran. They came to the United States for their education and the opportunities that could not be achieved in Iran. I was born and raised in Las Vegas suburbs, yet my parents still stressed the importance of our heritage and incorporated Iranian culture into my everyday life.

My initial curiosity about the legal system in America was sparked by my parents' journey towards naturalization. I grew up surrounded by Iranian-Americans and got a firsthand look at the financial, legal, and emotional difficulties that come with immigration. My parents dealt with these issues while trying to get their citizenship, and in turn, their degrees in America. These issues were significantly more difficult because they needed legal advice and were not aware of their rights. My parents and relatives came to America because it is a democratic society, yet they had to go through countless hurtles that could have been avoided through proper legal counsel.

As I reached my adolescence, my growing interest in government and law was fueled by the constant media coverage of Iran. The Iraq war began to unfold, and I realized that my background was not very welcome among many of my peers. Over the years, I watched the controversy, issues, and negativity surrounding the Middle East become a part of my daily life. Naturally, this made me want to educate myself as much as possible on global society and the importance of democracy. I wanted to know why these Middle Eastern countries had such a tumultuous relationship with the United States.

My main area of study at University of XXX had been Finance, yet that did not hinder me from taking courses on international topics. For instance, I took a course on Middle Eastern Film, where we examined the complexity of Middle Eastern societies and a course on the Supreme Court, where we researched the impact of this judicial branch of government on a global scale. I became fascinated by intricacy of life in the Middle East and how the region is so similar yet so diverse. I was especially drawn to the way the government works in each country and how it can be vastly different to the American system of government. I became appreciative of the law as a protector of the rights of individuals because I felt that this privilege was not granted in many countries, including Iran.

In my third year of college, I began working at the Regional Justice Center in Las Vegas and this truly solidified my desire to further my education in law. I had already laid down the foundation of wanting to educate myself on international matters, yet working in a legal environment for a year truly pushed me towards achieving that goal. My heritage is the source of my desire to study law and my experiences are my motivation to pursue it. I feel that it is important to voice my unique perspective on the legal system because I am an American, yet I am also an Iranian.

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Flips88
Posts: 13641
Joined: Sun Oct 10, 2010 7:42 pm

Re: PLEASE critique.. first timer

Postby Flips88 » Tue Dec 14, 2010 9:11 pm

I'll do a quick edit first.

Fourthreetwo wrote:I know its too short, but what do you think of it so far???


My parents immigrated to the United States in 1979 after the fall of the Shah of Iran;<-this semicolon is misused leaving behind their family in the newly formed Islamic Republic of Iran. They came to the United States for their education and the opportunities that could not be achieved in Iran. I was born and raised in Las Vegas suburbs, yet my parents still stressed the importance of our heritage and incorporated Iranian culture into my everyday life.

My initial curiosity about the legal system in America was sparked by my parents' journey towards naturalization. I grew up surrounded by Iranian-Americans and got a firsthand look at the financial, legal, and emotional difficulties that come with immigration. My parents dealt with these issues while trying to get their citizenship, and in turn, their degrees in America. These issues were significantly more difficult because they needed legal advice and were not aware of their rights. My parents and relatives came to America because it is a democratic society, yet they had to go through countless hurdles that could have been avoided through proper legal counsel.

As I reached my adolescence, my growing interest in government and law was fueled by the constant media coverage of Iran. The Iraq war began to unfold, and I realized that my background was not very welcome among many of my peers. Over the years, I watched the controversy, issues, and negativity surrounding the Middle East become a part of my daily life. Naturally, this made me want to educate myself as much as possible on global society and the importance of democracy. I wanted to know why these Middle Eastern countries had such a tumultuous relationship with the United States.

My main area of study at University of XXX had been Finance, yet that did not hinder me from taking courses on international topics. For instance, I took a course on Middle Eastern Film, where we examined the complexity of Middle Eastern societies and a course on the Supreme Court, where we researched the impact of this judicial branch of government on a global scale. I became fascinated by intricacy of life in the Middle East and how the region is so similar yet so diverse. I was especially drawn to the way the government works in each country and how it can be vastly different to the American system of government. I became appreciative of the law as a protector of the rights of individuals because I felt that this privilege was not granted in many countries, including Iran.

In my third year of college, I began working at the Regional Justice Center in Las Vegas and this truly solidified my desire to further my education in law. I had already laid down the foundation of wanting to educate myself on international matters, yet working in a legal environment for a year truly pushed me towards achieving that goal. My heritage is the source of my desire to study law and my experiences are my motivation to pursue it. I feel that it is important to voice my unique perspective on the legal system because I am an American, yet I am also an Iranian.



Ok. now my thoughts on the content. I think you definitely have a good source of experience from which to draw, but this version isn't fleshed out very well. Are you fluent in Farsi? if so, I would mention that. I would talk more about the rise of anti-middle eastern/islamic sentiment in America. talk about a specific instance you recall when you felt like your culture and background was attacked. Also on a grammatical note: you seem to structure a lot of sentences as "bla bla bla, YET bla bla bla". You use this structure 6 times in a very brief essay. I noticed it and I assume an AdComm might too. Also I'm not sure if it's evident what type of law you're interested in studying. One part suggests immigration law, another suggests comparative international law. Clarify that and talk about it briefly. Let me know if i can help any more.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: PLEASE critique.. first timer

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Dec 14, 2010 9:17 pm

Good theme. Your writing needs to be more concise. For example, instead of writing "...and this truly solidified..." try "...which solidified...". (DELETE: "and this truly".)

Also in the last paragraph DELETE: the other "truly" & DELETE: "unique" (before "perspective").




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