Final PS...TLS wisdom needed

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
313D313
Posts: 220
Joined: Mon Jan 18, 2010 7:52 pm

Final PS...TLS wisdom needed

Postby 313D313 » Mon Dec 13, 2010 12:10 pm

I am very late with my apps, hoping i can submit this soon i can get them in asap. Be harsh please!!!
Thank you


“Who invented bad words?” My seven year old sister’s question jolted me back to reality. It was five p.m on this cold, snowy, Michigan evening. I had less than an hour to drive my four siblings home from school and make it in time for my evening class. No time for day dreaming. As traffic crept along slowly, I felt the ten hours incurred earlier at work slowly taking a toll on my body.

“Oscar! You did not tell us who invented bad words!” It was my other seven year old sister. As twins, they knew very well how to work in tandem. “Let me think about it, and I will tell you when we get home.” My answer was sufficient to put the question to rest, at least for now. Kids have a great memory.

My twin sisters were born when I was sixteen years old. They joined a vibrant family of five children and two parents. Along with the endless love and joy that only children can bring, came invaluable lessons in responsibility and sacrifice. Growing up in a family of nine requires one to learn the value of altruism at an early age. As a senior in high school, I was to choose between family and my goal of playing college basketball. I can still hear my father’s words “It is your decision Oscar. Just remember- your family needs you.” I chose family.

At the University of XXXX, I was enrolled as a full time student while maintaining a full time job. In addition to this, I assumed the responsibility of transporting my younger siblings to school and back on a daily basis. Our rides together were not just long trips navigating three different highways, congested traffic, and news reports on the radio. We played “I spy”, learned multiplication, and shared stories. I was their older brother, their source of endless knowledge and deep pockets. I was expected to know who invented bad words, help my 14 year old sister with her biology assignment, and most importantly, remember to purchase everybody’s favorite candy whenever pumping gas.

My responsibility towards my twin sisters along with my love for them causes me to spend a great deal of time with them. Dealing with them on a daily basis has been an effective lesson in patience and negotiation skills. Many times it is more difficult to negotiate with a child then an adult. One must be able to approach the situation from their perspective and convince them that they are benefiting from the exchange. It is a lot harder than it sounds, and it seldom worked during bedtime.

While the responsibility of five younger siblings has taught me much, my experience working from a young age has been valuable as well. I began working at the age of 14 and as a senior in high school forty weeks had become the norm. Early on, I understood I was the oldest and was expected to carry my own weight. Nothing comes easy when you come from a family of nine.

Learning to balance my full schedule with the hectic lifestyle of a family of nine was a challenging task. I have always believed that family comes first, but my conviction would come under attack many times as I struggled to stay on track with school, work, and family responsibilities. Mornings that began before the earliest rays of lights made it easier for the doubt to creep in to my heart. “You need to focus on yourself Oscar, you cannot do this anymore.” I heard this voice many times, quiet and in the back of my head.

Nevertheless, I kept that voice silent. My mother’s soothing voice and her early morning tea always strengthened my resolve. My father’s early rise to warm our cars and scrape the ice off the windshield reminded me of their struggle. My parents left their country and families behind with nothing but a dream of a better life for their children. A quick trip down memory lane reminds me of the various odd jobs my parents held to feed the family and provide the best conditions so I could further my education.

As I continue my parent’s struggle, the journey takes on a different dimension. It will always be a goal of mine to support the family as they are a great source of my energy and motivation. For the moment, my time has arrived. I am both excited and appreciative of the opportunity to fully apply myself to the study of law. As I prepare myself to enter a world of outlines and briefs, I carry with me each lesson I have learned. Organization will keep me afloat amidst the demanding rigors, communication will keep me connected, and patience will guide me through. I did not always have the answer to who invented bad words or the million other questions a brilliant mind of a seven year old can conjure, but I always gave it my all. I have devoted innumerable hours and energy to my family, but the return on my investment far outweighs that. The value of self discovery is forever priceless and the lessons are worth a lifetime.

313D313
Posts: 220
Joined: Mon Jan 18, 2010 7:52 pm

Re: Final PS...TLS wisdom needed

Postby 313D313 » Mon Dec 13, 2010 12:33 pm

Anybody??

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Shooter
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Re: Final PS...TLS wisdom needed

Postby Shooter » Mon Dec 13, 2010 12:38 pm

I really don't have time to read the whole thing, but in the second sentence of the last paragraph you might consider switching "the family" to "my family".

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3|ink
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Re: Final PS...TLS wisdom needed

Postby 3|ink » Mon Dec 13, 2010 12:47 pm

I would replace "altruism" with "sacrifice".

It was alright. I'll admit I was kind of bored near the end. It seems your PS is focused on sacrifice. That's a good thing. I think you should get into the details of your parent's sacrifices and how these inspired you. That 'emigrating from the old country' routine makes it sound like you're appealing to clichés.

313D313
Posts: 220
Joined: Mon Jan 18, 2010 7:52 pm

Re: Final PS...TLS wisdom needed

Postby 313D313 » Mon Dec 13, 2010 12:54 pm

3|ink wrote:I would replace "altruism" with "sacrifice".

It was alright. I'll admit I was kind of bored near the end. It seems your PS is focused on sacrifice. That's a good thing. I think you should get into the details of your parent's sacrifices and how these inspired you. That 'emigrating from the old country' routine makes it sound like you're appealing to clichés.


Thank you. I think thats a good idea

313D313
Posts: 220
Joined: Mon Jan 18, 2010 7:52 pm

Re: Final PS...TLS wisdom needed

Postby 313D313 » Mon Dec 13, 2010 2:57 pm

any other thoughts?

313D313
Posts: 220
Joined: Mon Jan 18, 2010 7:52 pm

Re: Final PS...TLS wisdom needed

Postby 313D313 » Mon Dec 13, 2010 7:05 pm

bump

anybody?

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aesis
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Re: Final PS...TLS wisdom needed

Postby aesis » Mon Dec 13, 2010 7:54 pm

I really enjoyed it.
You are missing a TON of hyphens, though. Full time = full-time. Seven year old = seven-year-old. Self discovery = self-discovery. Sift through the text and google whether you should hyphenate because it seems you aren't aware of when you should.

"Nothing comes easy when you come from a family of nine.

Learning to balance my full schedule with the hectic lifestyle of a family of nine was a challenging task."

You don't need to repeat family of nine in this sentence.

14 year old should be spelled out IMO. You spelled out sixteen years old. Consistency!

Forty weeks had become the norm? You mean forty-hour weeks?

"but I always gave it my all. I have devoted innumerable hours and energy to my family, but the return on my investment far outweighs that. The value of self discovery is forever priceless and the lessons are worth a lifetime."
Hated the gave it my all. The idea that you discovered yourself is iffy -- I thought you were learning skills, and the value of family and your role in it, not so much about who you are, unless you are trying to imply that family is who you are and you are defined by it. Anyway, I really liked the conclusion up until this point. "Innumerable" is too hyperbolic.

I thought it was quite poignant and got a very good sense of who you are. Maybe because I love kids, and I'm the eldest brother too. Either way, an adcomm would probably identify, since they probably have children as well. It's a good piece.

313D313
Posts: 220
Joined: Mon Jan 18, 2010 7:52 pm

Re: Final PS...TLS wisdom needed

Postby 313D313 » Mon Dec 13, 2010 9:12 pm

aesis wrote:I really enjoyed it.
You are missing a TON of hyphens, though. Full time = full-time. Seven year old = seven-year-old. Self discovery = self-discovery. Sift through the text and google whether you should hyphenate because it seems you aren't aware of when you should.

"Nothing comes easy when you come from a family of nine.

Learning to balance my full schedule with the hectic lifestyle of a family of nine was a challenging task."

You don't need to repeat family of nine in this sentence.

14 year old should be spelled out IMO. You spelled out sixteen years old. Consistency!

Forty weeks had become the norm? You mean forty-hour weeks?


THANK YOU SO MUCH. I have been looking at this for so long that i could no longer see anything.
"but I always gave it my all. I have devoted innumerable hours and energy to my family, but the return on my investment far outweighs that. The value of self discovery is forever priceless and the lessons are worth a lifetime."
Hated the gave it my all. The idea that you discovered yourself is iffy -- I thought you were learning skills, and the value of family and your role in it, not so much about who you are, unless you are trying to imply that family is who you are and you are defined by it. Anyway, I really liked the conclusion up until this point. "Innumerable" is too hyperbolic.

I thought it was quite poignant and got a very good sense of who you are. Maybe because I love kids, and I'm the eldest brother too. Either way, an adcomm would probably identify, since they probably have children as well. It's a good piece.

313D313
Posts: 220
Joined: Mon Jan 18, 2010 7:52 pm

Re: Final PS...TLS wisdom needed

Postby 313D313 » Tue Dec 14, 2010 2:09 pm

313D313 wrote:
aesis wrote:I really enjoyed it.
You are missing a TON of hyphens, though. Full time = full-time. Seven year old = seven-year-old. Self discovery = self-discovery. Sift through the text and google whether you should hyphenate because it seems you aren't aware of when you should.

"Nothing comes easy when you come from a family of nine.

Learning to balance my full schedule with the hectic lifestyle of a family of nine was a challenging task."

You don't need to repeat family of nine in this sentence.

14 year old should be spelled out IMO. You spelled out sixteen years old. Consistency!

Forty weeks had become the norm? You mean forty-hour weeks?

"but I always gave it my all. I have devoted innumerable hours and energy to my family, but the return on my investment far outweighs that. The value of self discovery is forever priceless and the lessons are worth a lifetime."
Hated the gave it my all. The idea that you discovered yourself is iffy -- I thought you were learning skills, and the value of family and your role in it, not so much about who you are, unless you are trying to imply that family is who you are and you are defined by it. Anyway, I really liked the conclusion up until this point. "Innumerable" is too hyperbolic.

I thought it was quite poignant and got a very good sense of who you are. Maybe because I love kids, and I'm the eldest brother too. Either way, an adcomm would probably identify, since they probably have children as well. It's a good piece.



THANK YOU SO MUCH. I have been looking at this for so long that i could no longer see anything.

313D313
Posts: 220
Joined: Mon Jan 18, 2010 7:52 pm

Re: Final PS...TLS wisdom needed

Postby 313D313 » Tue Dec 14, 2010 11:02 pm

Anyone?




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