Looking for criticism please! (will return the favor)

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anomaly
Posts: 151
Joined: Sat Nov 06, 2010 7:55 pm

Looking for criticism please! (will return the favor)

Postby Anomaly » Sun Dec 12, 2010 11:15 pm

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Last edited by Anomaly on Mon Dec 13, 2010 5:59 pm, edited 3 times in total.

manifresh
Posts: 17
Joined: Mon Nov 22, 2010 1:58 am

Re: Looking for criticism please! (will return the favor)

Postby manifresh » Mon Dec 13, 2010 12:08 am

i think it's very good, I cant think of anything negative to say about it. It was very well written and describes who your are pretty well.

couple of items that I think would sound better if they were reworded:
"did not know what I wanted to do with my future" - i dont like this sentence, i'm sure you can word it better given how the rest of your essay was written.

I would replace "full-time school schedule" with "full-time academic schedule".

if you want to return the favor, viewtopic.php?f=18&t=140791

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vissidarte27
Posts: 434
Joined: Thu Dec 02, 2010 3:43 pm

Re: Looking for criticism please! (will return the favor)

Postby vissidarte27 » Mon Dec 13, 2010 2:23 am

I like it. Nice to see another musician around these parts. :)

I like that it does more showing than telling, and I really like that it doesn't read like a resume. I think it reads well and holds interest without problem.

The only thing I'd like to see a little more of is a connection between your guitar/business/college experience and your desire to go to law school. You want to go because the business market crashed and you want to fix it? It's kind of unclear in that regard.

Otherwise, I think it's well done.

Anomaly
Posts: 151
Joined: Sat Nov 06, 2010 7:55 pm

Re: Looking for criticism please! (will return the favor)

Postby Anomaly » Mon Dec 13, 2010 4:23 pm

Thanks a lot for the criticism. I made a few changes, and I will keep trying to solidify the connection between music/college/law. More feedback is welcome!

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Looking for criticism please! (will return the favor)

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Dec 13, 2010 4:53 pm

Love the first four and one-half paragraphs, don't care for the final three and one-half paragraphs. The concluding paragraph needs to be revised.

Anomaly
Posts: 151
Joined: Sat Nov 06, 2010 7:55 pm

Re: Looking for criticism please! (will return the favor)

Postby Anomaly » Mon Dec 13, 2010 4:57 pm

Thanks, can you be specific?

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Looking for criticism please! (will return the favor)

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Dec 13, 2010 5:01 pm

The first portion deals with your actual achievements while the final three paragraphs talk about the future in a manner that suggests that you are very young & overly idealistic. The two conflict because the first three paragraphs present you as determined, level headed, hard-working & mature. Law schools should readily admit the first person, while being wary of the second as needing time to mature.

Anomaly
Posts: 151
Joined: Sat Nov 06, 2010 7:55 pm

Re: Looking for criticism please! (will return the favor)

Postby Anomaly » Mon Dec 13, 2010 5:05 pm

Okay thanks a lot, I will revise it.




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