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MegD
Posts: 11
Joined: Mon Nov 30, 2009 1:51 pm

Removed

Postby MegD » Sat Dec 11, 2010 12:01 pm

Thanks for all the feedback!! Completely reworking the statement.
Last edited by MegD on Mon Dec 13, 2010 1:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Please save me from embarrassment. Thanks.

Postby CanadianWolf » Sat Dec 11, 2010 12:30 pm

This is not as well written as it should be. Reconsider your labeling of another as selfish because a close reading of your essay reveals the same quality in you. Rejecting your troubled father at age 14 portrays you in an unflattering light. Check your verb tenses as some are inconsistent in the same sentence.
Overall this is an unconvincing writing which, surprisingly, raises maturity issues and is unlikely to help your law school applications.

P.S. VLS ? Villanova, Vanderbilt or Vermont. I ask because this personal statement may harm your applications at two of those three law schools, in my opinion.

MegD
Posts: 11
Joined: Mon Nov 30, 2009 1:51 pm

Re: Please save me from embarrassment. Thanks.

Postby MegD » Sat Dec 11, 2010 12:38 pm

Thank you. It probably isn't as well written as it should be. I feel as though I attempted to toss the lengthy descriptions of my childhood and focus on the outcome of each situation and in doing so I came up with choppy examples of what made me who I am. ...which is not at all selfish :) I'll certainly work on that part.

This statement is for Vermont.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Please save me from embarrassment. Thanks.

Postby CanadianWolf » Sat Dec 11, 2010 12:45 pm

The first paragraph is very poorly done & somewhat confusing. Your opening sentence needs substantial revision. Of the three paragraphs, the third is the best.
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Sat Dec 11, 2010 12:57 pm, edited 2 times in total.

MegD
Posts: 11
Joined: Mon Nov 30, 2009 1:51 pm

Re: Please save me from embarrassment. Thanks.

Postby MegD » Sat Dec 11, 2010 12:52 pm

Toss the ideas?? Will definitely restructure and use a different approach style-wise, but my main concern was turning the focus to who I've become and not the details of my past. Am I anywhere near that??

I really appreciate the help.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Please save me from embarrassment. Thanks.

Postby CanadianWolf » Sat Dec 11, 2010 12:58 pm

Try to inject some compassion into your essay through softer word choices & shorter, less declarative sentences. As written, the reader can sense your anger & internal walls. It's okay to present yourself as vulnerable, searching & growing in a difficult environment--there is no need to present yourself as SuperWoman or stoically independent & self-sufficient. Try to persuade the reader to like you.
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Sat Dec 11, 2010 1:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

MegD
Posts: 11
Joined: Mon Nov 30, 2009 1:51 pm

Re: Please save me from embarrassment. Thanks.

Postby MegD » Sat Dec 11, 2010 1:02 pm

That helps tremendously! Precisely what I needed. I'll try to take it in a more compassionate direction.

...preparing to add flowers and butterflies to my statement. ;)

w.ftw
Posts: 47
Joined: Wed Nov 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Please save me from embarrassment. Thanks.

Postby w.ftw » Sun Dec 12, 2010 2:42 am

Don't take this the wrong way, but it sounds like you are trying too hard to be an impressive writer and it's making your sentence compositions sound unnatural.




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