3rd try, hopefully getting closer..any/all help appreciated

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
rockspaperjesus
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3rd try, hopefully getting closer..any/all help appreciated

Postby rockspaperjesus » Fri Dec 10, 2010 5:07 pm

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Last edited by rockspaperjesus on Wed Jan 19, 2011 9:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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rinkrat19
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Re: 3rd try, hopefully getting closer..any/all help appreciated

Postby rinkrat19 » Fri Dec 10, 2010 5:18 pm

My only comment is that I have absolutely no clue what the first paragraph is about. Standing on the counter to jump...why? It reads like you're trying to escape from (or attack) an intruder. But I think it's your father (which isn't terribly clear, except that the entire rest of the essay is about him). Are you leaping into his arms? It also sounds almost like it's someone besides your father, and you are resuming what you used to do with your dad. How old are you? How does that age compare to the age at which you overheard the zombie conversation? The rest of the essay progresses well, but that first paragraph is very disconnected.

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3|ink
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Re: 3rd try, hopefully getting closer..any/all help appreciated

Postby 3|ink » Fri Dec 10, 2010 5:56 pm

I know you asked for grammar only, but I personally didn't find much to correct in that regard. I thought the prose was excellent, too. It's your story that kills me. It's too long, too boring and it looks like a pity plea. If anyone else thinks that's good in a PS, please correct me. It comes off like "Look at all the shit that happened to me. Now if you don't let me in, you're going to hell."

rockspaperjesus
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Re: 3rd try, hopefully getting closer..any/all help appreciated

Postby rockspaperjesus » Fri Dec 10, 2010 5:59 pm

3|ink wrote:I know you asked for grammar only, but I personally didn't find much to correct in that regard. I thought the prose was excellent, too. It's your story that kills me. It's too long, too boring and it looks like a pity plea. If anyone else thinks that's good in a PS, please correct me. It comes off like "Look at all the shit that happened to me. Now if you don't let me in, you're going to hell."



i didnt ask for grammar only

also, is it really a pity plea to explain who i am/why i want to go to law school and how i would like something good to come from what "happened" to me?

MegD
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Re: 3rd try, hopefully getting closer..any/all help appreciated

Postby MegD » Sat Dec 11, 2010 12:15 pm

I re-read your statement beginning at "The realities of my father's drug..." I think it follows just fine without the intro. Excluding the existing intro can cut significant length without taking away from the idea that his habits had an incredible impact on who you are today.

As I mentioned before, I too was working on cutting out the "back-tracking" and focusing on the outcome. Personally, what I came up with feels to me like it is lacking the real reasons behind who I am. But, that is quite possibly because there is no way for me to ignore the many details that make up the story. As an outsider reading your story, I admire who you have become without even reading the first two paragraphs.

**Take my comments with a grain of salt** :)

rockspaperjesus
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Re: 3rd try, hopefully getting closer..any/all help appreciated

Postby rockspaperjesus » Sat Dec 11, 2010 11:59 pm

MegD wrote:I re-read your statement beginning at "The realities of my father's drug..." I think it follows just fine without the intro. Excluding the existing intro can cut significant length without taking away from the idea that his habits had an incredible impact on who you are today.

As I mentioned before, I too was working on cutting out the "back-tracking" and focusing on the outcome. Personally, what I came up with feels to me like it is lacking the real reasons behind who I am. But, that is quite possibly because there is no way for me to ignore the many details that make up the story. As an outsider reading your story, I admire who you have become without even reading the first two paragraphs.

**Take my comments with a grain of salt** :)


i am really having a hart time cutting the beginning because i think the details are necessary - probably only to me, because it's my life but i dunno. does your family history make you want to pursue law or are you using it only to describe who you are?

MegD
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Re: 3rd try, hopefully getting closer..any/all help appreciated

Postby MegD » Sun Dec 12, 2010 1:47 pm

My family history made me who I am. I am driven and have very high aspirations because my upbringing forced me to take care of myself from a very young age. I am trying to portray that in my essay, but unfortunately I have been very unsuccessful. I want to practice Environmental Law which has nothing to do with my family history. However, my ability to rise above adversity, such as with my family, helps to describe my ability to be successful in my goals with EL.

Nice to know I'm not alone in struggling with this. We'll get there.

rockspaperjesus
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Re: 3rd try, hopefully getting closer..any/all help appreciated

Postby rockspaperjesus » Sun Dec 12, 2010 6:49 pm

anyone else willing to share their opinion on the "pity" aspect of this? i really really am not going for pity, i am just trying to convey a real part of me that has contributed to my career aspirations. thoughts anyone?

manifresh
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Re: 3rd try, hopefully getting closer..any/all help appreciated

Postby manifresh » Sun Dec 12, 2010 9:29 pm

it's good but I also agree that you can start at "The reality of my father’s struggle with drugs". This doesnt mean you have to get rid of all the info in the first few paragraphs but you can cut the majority out without losing much meaning in my opinion. And i also don't know what that first paragraph is describing, can you elaborate?
and for what it's worth, i didn't think it was a pity plea

rockspaperjesus
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Joined: Thu Nov 04, 2010 1:06 pm

Re: 3rd try, hopefully getting closer..any/all help appreciated

Postby rockspaperjesus » Sun Dec 12, 2010 9:45 pm

manifresh wrote:it's good but I also agree that you can start at "The reality of my father’s struggle with drugs". This doesnt mean you have to get rid of all the info in the first few paragraphs but you can cut the majority out without losing much meaning in my opinion. And i also don't know what that first paragraph is describing, can you elaborate?
and for what it's worth, i didn't think it was a pity plea



just something I used to do as a little kid - jumping off the counter onto my dad when he came home at night. i've read it so many times i forgot that it might be unclear.

thanks for your comments, i'm glad you don't think it comes off as looking for pity

rockspaperjesus
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Re: 3rd try, hopefully getting closer..any/all help appreciated

Postby rockspaperjesus » Tue Dec 14, 2010 12:30 pm

bump?

rockspaperjesus
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Joined: Thu Nov 04, 2010 1:06 pm

Re: 3rd try, hopefully getting closer..any/all help appreciated

Postby rockspaperjesus » Thu Dec 16, 2010 4:10 pm

last hope for some comments...




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