Draft 2: looking for honest critique, please? :D

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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crumpetsandtea
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Draft 2: looking for honest critique, please? :D

Postby crumpetsandtea » Fri Dec 10, 2010 3:02 am

gone
Last edited by crumpetsandtea on Sat Nov 05, 2011 6:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

manifresh
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Re: Draft 2: looking for honest critique, please? :D

Postby manifresh » Sun Dec 12, 2010 7:13 pm


Water dribbled down the back of my neck and off the tip of my nose. It was six pm and almost dark already, and the rain only made the sky dim faster. My grip tightened around the binder and pen in my hands as I waved down a stranger coming my way. i think you can cut this out, especially if you need to make it shorter. Consider starting with your 2nd paragraph

“Hi there!” I called out. My voice sounded out-of-place against the soothing pitter-patter of the rain. He glanced up, startled, and our eyes met. “Do you have a moment to help fight global warming?” As he blinked, my smile widened--and he darted to the side, carefully walking in a semicircle with a radius of five feet around me. There was no 'hello', no 'sorry, not interested', not even an apologetic smile as he passed by.

A few months prior, such a snub might have made me self-conscious and irritable, but not that day. That day, I was on a mission: a mission to convince over 2,200 of my fellow cold, stressed, and tired undergraduate peers to pledge five dollars per academic quarter to a student-directed activist organization on campus. We had exactly five days to do it. It was my mission, and the mission of the dozen or so other people in my school's [ORG NAME] chapter. Should we fail, our chapter would be disbanded, the organization forced to leave campus. Should we succeed, we would be allowed to continue organizing. Though it was cold, wet, and at times even degrading work, to this day I consider that experience one of the best of my college career.

Before coming to college, if someone had asked me to describe myself, the word 'activist' never would have entered my mind. As a high school senior, I had a clear vision of who I was—or so I thought. I was politically aware, educated, and informed. I was an AP student and a member of the debate team debate, but certainly not an activist.

Yet there I was that first winter of college, mere months after graduation, standing there in the rain and asking strangers for money. It was only my second week in the organization, but the passion I saw in every single one of the members and their absolute dedication to the public interest made me willing to stand in the rain for 32 hours that week to keep this organization on campus.

The bills [ORG NAME] had worked on, among which were the [BILL NAME] and the [BILL NAME], and the issues it addressed (ranging from consumer protection to fighting hunger and homelessness) were ones that I had always cared about, but had never been given the opportunity to work on myself [this sentence is a little long, consider rewording or splitting it up]. Through my involvement with [ORG NAME], I was given a chance to directly advocate on these issues in a way that I had never before imagined I could have. In 2008, [ORG NAME] was fighting tooth and nail to pass [PROP NAME]. The proposition was polling at about 48%, and we were the only organization working to pass it. That election season, I spent numerous hours in planning meetings and out on campus talking to my peers about the issue, watching nervously as the polls continued to predict a loss. I can still remember the nervous tension that pitted in my stomach as we awaited the news on elections night. For a while, it seemed as though they'd never announce the results. Then it came. By just 1% of the vote, we had done it. It had been a close call, and somehow, the tiny margin of victory placed things in perspective. It had been our actions and efforts that had made this happen.

Never before had I participated in something that so directly changed the world around me. Oftentimes as an activist, the hardest thing to do is to remember that the signatures you gather and the effort you exert, sometimes weeks or months away from the actual election, actually [[i]consider removing one of them[/i]] have an impact in the end. At times, it seemed futile—how could a bunch of college students influence state policy?--and yet somehow, the people around me persevered, committing to their cause unlike anyone I'd ever met before.

Inspired by their dedication, I devoted every moment I was not in class to the cause. I spent my spring break the year of the elections participating in a statewide tour to raise support for the proposition, helping to plan media events in [CITIES RELEVANT TO PROP] and speaking at press conferences. I sacrificed weekends to sit outside on picnic tables for hours and call people to get them involved, stayed on campus until almost midnight on weekdays writing out massive planning calendars on butcher paper. As I sat amongst my peers on election night and reveled in our success, I realized that our diligence rode on the collective understanding that careful planning and a lot of time and hard work could transform a group of students and recent college graduates into a formidable organization capable of influencing state law. It was this moment that I realized I had found something that I not only cared about, but that I was willing to sacrifice for. Somewhere between high school and these elections, I'd entered the world of activism.

For me, the organization did more than just introduce me to grassroots activism; it showed me a clear path that I wanted to take in my future. I had always intended to attend law school, but I didn't have a good understanding of what kind of law I wanted to pursue. It is my involvement in [ORG NAME] that inspires me to pursue public interest law by uncovering my own passion for the subjects and providing me a way to get involved as an undergraduate. [i will insert specifics on each school's programs/courses here]

That winter, at the end of my first 'pledge week' experience, we hit our goal, signing up 2,265 new members after just five days in the rain. Throughout my college experience, I participated in a total of eight pledge weeks, but none would match the intensity of my first. It was the largest pledge drive our organization had seen in years, and though we emerged from that week with colds and slightly bruised egos, the elation from hitting our goal, and the realization that it was our hard work and our manpower that had won it, lasted for many years to come. [this is a very long sentence]


i think the statement itself is good but you need to have someone correct your grammar and sentence structure. I saw a lot of run-on sentences and misplaced commas.

do you mind critiquing mine?
viewtopic.php?f=18&t=140791

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crumpetsandtea
Posts: 7156
Joined: Thu Jun 17, 2010 7:57 pm

Re: Draft 2: looking for honest critique, please? :D

Postby crumpetsandtea » Tue Dec 14, 2010 12:39 am

manifresh wrote:i think the statement itself is good but you need to have someone correct your grammar and sentence structure. I saw a lot of run-on sentences and misplaced commas.

do you mind critiquing mine?
viewtopic.php?f=18&t=140791


Thanks for the advice! I think I will indeed be cutting the first paragaph out, and SUPER thanks for the grammar advice. Tried to reword things a bit.

And critiqued back!

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icecold3000
Posts: 213
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Re: Draft 2: looking for honest critique, please? :D

Postby icecold3000 » Tue Dec 14, 2010 1:07 am

crumpetsandtea wrote:Draft two! Edited out the 'resume-like' aspects and added in another specific event. I would be forever indebted to you if you took a look and commented. Length is a concern for me right now, so tips on where I can cut excess sentences would be AMAZING. Be blunt/mean about it, I'd rather re-write than send in sub-par work. Again THANK YOU in advance <3

Water dribbled down the back of my neck and off the tip of my nose. It was six pm and almost dark already, and the rain only made the sky dim faster. My grip tightened around the binder and pen in my hands as I waved down a stranger coming my way.

“Hi there!” I called out. My voice sounded out-of-place against the soothing pitter-patter of the rain. He glanced up, startled, and our eyes met. “Do you have a moment to help fight global warming?” As he blinked, my smile widened--and he darted to the side, carefully walking in a semicircle with a radius of five feet around me. There was no 'hello', no 'sorry, not interested', not even an apologetic smile as he passed by.

A few months prior, such a snub might have made me self-conscious and irritable, but not that day. That day, I was on a mission: a mission to convince over 2,200 of my fellow cold, stressed, and tired undergraduate peers to pledge five dollars per academic quarter to a student-directed activist organization on campus. We had exactly five days to do it.do not say it twice in a row(it reads kinda awkward It was my mission, and the mission of the dozen or so other people in my school's [ORG NAME] chapter. Should we fail, our chapter would be disbanded, the organization forced to leave campus. Should we succeed, we would be allowed to continue organizingcontinue organizing?. Though it was cold, wet, and at times even degrading work, to this day I consider that experience one of the best of my college career.

no transitionBefore coming to college, if someone had asked me to describe myself, the word 'activist' never would have entered my mind. As a high school senior, I had a clear vision of who I was—or so I thought. I was politically aware, educatedhow educated is a high school senior, and informed. I was an AP student and a member of the debate team debate?, but certainly not an activist.

Yet there I was that first winter of college, mere months after graduation, standing there in the rain and asking strangers for money. It was only my second week in the organization, but the passion I saw in every single one of the members and their absolute dedication to the public interest made me willing to stand in the rain for 32 hours that week to keep this organization on campus.

The bills [ORG NAME] had worked on– the [BILL NAME] and the [BILL NAME], to name two— and the issues it addressed (ranging from consumer protection to fighting hunger and homelessness) were ones that I had always cared about, but had never been given the opportunity to work on myselfworked on personally (sounds less masturbatory). Through my involvement with [ORG NAME], I was given a chance to directly advocate on these issues in a way that I had never before imagined I could have. In 2008, [ORG NAME] was fighting tooth and nail to pass [PROP NAME]. The proposition was polling at about 48%, and we were the only organization working to pass it. That election season, I spent numerous hours in planning meetings and out on campus talking to my peers about the issue, watching nervously as the polls continued to predict a loss. I can still remember the nervous tension that pitted in my stomach as we awaited the news on elections night. For a while, it seemed as though they'd never announce the results. Then it came. By just 1% of the vote, we had done it. It had been a close call, and somehow, the tiny margin of victory placed things in perspective. It had been our actions and efforts that had made this happen.

Never before had I participated in something that so directly changed the world around me. Oftentimes as an activist, the hardest thing to do is to remember that the signatures you gather and the effort you exert, sometimes weeks or months away from the actual election, actually have an impact in the end. At times, it seemed futile—how could a bunch of college students influence state policy?--and yet somehow, the people around me persevered, committing to their cause unlike anyone I'd ever met beforethat last clause might be unnecessary.

Inspired by their dedication, I devoted every moment I was not in class to the cause. I spent my spring break the year of the elections participating in a statewide tour to raise support for the proposition, helping to plan media events in [CITIES RELEVANT TO PROP] and speaking at press conferences. I sacrificed weekends to sit outside on picnic tables for hours and call people to get them involved, stayed on campus until almost midnight on weekdays writing out massive planning calendars on butcher paper. As I sat amongst my peers on election night and reveled in our success, I realized that our diligence rode on the collective understanding that careful planning and a lot of time and hard work could transform a group of students and recent college graduates into a formidable organization capable of influencing state law. It was this moment that I realized I had found something that I not only cared about, but that I was willing to sacrifice for. Somewhere between high school and these elections, I'd entered the world of activism.

For me, the organization did more than just introduce me to grassroots activism: it showed me a clear path that I wanted to take in my future. I'd always intended to attend law school, but I'd never had a good understanding of what kind of law I wanted to pursue. It is my involvement in [ORG NAME] that inspires me to pursue public interest law by uncovering my own passion for the subjects and providing me a way to get involved as an undergraduate. [i will insert specifics on each school's programs/courses here]

this whole last paragraph seems out of placeThat winter, at the end of my first 'pledge week' experience, we hit our goal, signing up 2,265 new members after just five days in the rain. Throughout my college experience, I would participate in a total of eight pledge weeks, but none would match the intensity of my first. It was the largest pledge drive our organization had seen in years, and though we emerged from that week with colds and slightly bruised egos, the elation from hitting our goal, and the realization that it was our hard work and our manpower that had won it, lasted for many years to come.



-Interesting read, you seem like a very dedicated person. Although, this does seem a little long winded. What is the max amount of pages allowed for the schools you are applying?
Please give a look at mine, it was posted on the forum today.

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crumpetsandtea
Posts: 7156
Joined: Thu Jun 17, 2010 7:57 pm

Re: Draft 2: looking for honest critique, please? :D

Postby crumpetsandtea » Tue Dec 14, 2010 1:54 am

icecold3000 wrote: -Interesting read, you seem like a very dedicated person. Although, this does seem a little long winded. What is the max amount of pages allowed for the schools you are applying?
Please give a look at mine, it was posted on the forum today.


I am INCREDIBLY long winded. It sucks ): One thing that I'm trying to work on is cutting it down. It's currently 3 pages doublespaced, and most schools only give 2, if I'm not mistaken.

THANKS for the commentary, and if you (or anyone else) have any suggestions on better transitions into the last paragraph I would love to hear them.

And I'm sure you saw already, but I commented on your PS too (: Thank you!




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