1st Draft: looking for honest critique

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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crumpetsandtea
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1st Draft: looking for honest critique

Postby crumpetsandtea » Wed Dec 08, 2010 1:55 am

EDIT: 12-09-10 ; REPOSTED NEW DRAFT ELSEWHERE. Deleting original so there isn't a million of my PS's floating around TLS (: If you'd like to read the new one, go here.
Last edited by crumpetsandtea on Fri Dec 10, 2010 3:07 am, edited 3 times in total.

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glitched
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Re: 1st Draft: looking for honest critique

Postby glitched » Wed Dec 08, 2010 3:19 am

when i was reading the first few paragraphs, i was thinking to myself - this is great, maybe the most interested i've been while reading a personal statement. you are a talented writer. but then you said some grand thing about how you were "fascinated by the law" in high school - this is when i started to turn away. you showed no support for this and what made you fascinated about it? some people in law school and probably a lot of lawyers are not "fascinated by law." and shortly after that, your PS transforms straight into a resume statement.
EDIT: whoops, clicked submit early for some reason. But yeah it goes into just listing a whole bunch of accomplishments. if you're going to shift gears from your fundraiser in the beginning, shift into one specific event that was also memorable.

my two cents :) - seriously though, you're a good writer in my opinion.

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crumpetsandtea
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Re: 1st Draft: looking for honest critique

Postby crumpetsandtea » Wed Dec 08, 2010 4:20 am

leeronalda wrote:when i was reading the first few paragraphs, i was thinking to myself - this is great, maybe the most interested i've been while reading a personal statement. you are a talented writer. but then you said some grand thing about how you were "fascinated by the law" in high school - this is when i started to turn away. you showed no support for this and what made you fascinated about it? some people in law school and probably a lot of lawyers are not "fascinated by law." and shortly after that, your PS transforms straight into a resume statement.
EDIT: whoops, clicked submit early for some reason. But yeah it goes into just listing a whole bunch of accomplishments. if you're going to shift gears from your fundraiser in the beginning, shift into one specific event that was also memorable.

my two cents :) - seriously though, you're a good writer in my opinion.


Thank you so much, for the comment on my writing and for stopping to read! I'm glad the narrative came across well in the beginning, because I was worried it would be clunky/weird. As for the 'fascinated by the law', thanks for pointing it out. I actually was fascinated by it at the time, but there just isn't enough room to go into that AND my college exp, so I think I'll just take it out completely.

I also definitely see the resume aspect of it, but what I wanted to do was give a broader scope of the things I learned from my experience, and I guess I did a poor job of doing it in a way that flowed well. If you (or anyone else) has some advice on a better way to do it, I'd love the advice.

As for adding another event, I was afraid going that route would focus too much on a narrative sort of PS and not enough on the things I'd learned/why they should care about the fact that I joined this org. You don't think it would be too much?

ANYWAY, thank you SO SO MUCH for commenting, I am definitely taking out the HS comment (the more I read it the more pretentious it actually does seem ack e_e) and I'm going to work on re-wording the second half of the PS into something that's less...resume-y.

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aesis
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Re: 1st Draft: looking for honest critique

Postby aesis » Wed Dec 08, 2010 3:31 pm

leeronalda wrote:when i was reading the first few paragraphs, i was thinking to myself - this is great, maybe the most interested i've been while reading a personal statement. you are a talented writer. but then you said some grand thing about how you were "fascinated by the law" in high school - this is when i started to turn away. you showed no support for this and what made you fascinated about it? some people in law school and probably a lot of lawyers are not "fascinated by law." and shortly after that, your PS transforms straight into a resume statement.
EDIT: whoops, clicked submit early for some reason. But yeah it goes into just listing a whole bunch of accomplishments. if you're going to shift gears from your fundraiser in the beginning, shift into one specific event that was also memorable.

my two cents :) - seriously though, you're a good writer in my opinion.

+1 resume comment

Writing is clear enough. I got through it with little problems. I am so tired of these typical PS introductions though, at least yours was short. Substantively, too much resume, not enough you. After the DNC paragraph, I wanted to hear more about your feelings, reflections, opinions, but then you spouted more things you accomplished, which is fine -- in a resume.

Flesh out the experience more maybe. More reflection. Just my opinion.

CanadianWolf
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Re: 1st Draft: looking for honest critique

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Dec 08, 2010 3:37 pm

Substitute "numerous" for "countless of".

Redo the last sentence (concerning "enforcing the law") of the next to last paragraph as it may confuse the reader since most of your work should focus on getting appropriate enforcible legislation passed. As written, it reads as if you want to become an environmental police officer or an EPA type prosecutor. Regardless of your intended meaning, clarification is needed.

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crumpetsandtea
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Re: 1st Draft: looking for honest critique

Postby crumpetsandtea » Wed Dec 08, 2010 7:52 pm

Writing is clear enough. I got through it with little problems. I am so tired of these typical PS introductions though, at least yours was short. Substantively, too much resume, not enough you. After the DNC paragraph, I wanted to hear more about your feelings, reflections, opinions, but then you spouted more things you accomplished, which is fine -- in a resume.

Flesh out the experience more maybe. More reflection. Just my opinion.


I was worried about my intro being trite as well. Would you say it works/manages to be unique among all the other narrative intros, or no?

Seems like the 'resume' comment is a common one. I'll do my best to re-write and then hopefully edit it to get some opinions on the new take. Thanks so much for your input though!!!! I will definitely try and focus more on my feelings/what I learned from it instead of just listing what I did.

Substitute "numerous" for "countless of".

Redo the last sentence (concerning "enforcing the law") of the next to last paragraph as it may confuse the reader since most of your work should focus on getting appropriate enforcible legislation passed. As written, it reads as if you want to become an environmental police officer or an EPA type prosecutor. Regardless of your intended meaning, clarification is needed.


I don't know if I'm blind or what, but I don't see where I used 'numerous'? x_x Thanks for the tip about the 'enforcing the law' sentence, I was a bit unsure about that too. I'll try to reword it or maybe even take it out (it felt a little random to me, IDK). Thanks so much for your advice!!! (:

CanadianWolf
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Re: 1st Draft: looking for honest critique

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Dec 08, 2010 8:33 pm

In your sixth (6th) paragraph you wrote "...and speak to countless of celebrities and politicians...". My suggestion is to insert "numerous" in place of your "countless of".

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crumpetsandtea
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Re: 1st Draft: looking for honest critique

Postby crumpetsandtea » Wed Dec 08, 2010 10:12 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:In your sixth (6th) paragraph you wrote "...and speak to countless of celebrities and politicians...". My suggestion is to insert "numerous" in place of your "countless of".


OH hahhaha I totally read your initial suggestion backwards. Oops. Great, thanks! Will do, if I decide to keep that sentence structured the same way in my PS <3

tomcox10
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Re: 1st Draft: looking for honest critique

Postby tomcox10 » Thu Dec 09, 2010 1:59 am

Very impressed that you wrote this in a day. Overall, the content looks good and you work in a lot of positives into the story very smoothly.

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crumpetsandtea
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Re: 1st Draft: looking for honest critique

Postby crumpetsandtea » Thu Dec 09, 2010 4:01 am

Thanks, tomcox10! Anyway, I did my best to take the suggestions here and change my PS up a bit. Here is the new version:

EDIT: 12-09-10 ; REPOSTED NEW DRAFT ELSEWHERE. Deleting original so there isn't a million of my PS's floating around TLS (: If you'd like to read the new one, go here.




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