Second draft PS - give it a read?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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vissidarte27
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Second draft PS - give it a read?

Postby vissidarte27 » Tue Dec 07, 2010 10:50 pm

Nothin' to see here.
Last edited by vissidarte27 on Mon Dec 13, 2010 2:28 am, edited 1 time in total.

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vissidarte27
Posts: 434
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Re: Second draft PS - give it a read?

Postby vissidarte27 » Wed Dec 08, 2010 1:35 pm

Bump?

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aesis
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Re: Second draft PS - give it a read?

Postby aesis » Wed Dec 08, 2010 3:20 pm

From a quick look, I would say:
- Cut the intro about "why law." It's distracting and not very well executed anyway.
- Cut out everything related to LSAT -- it's irrelevant and detracts from a clear message.
- This reads like a newspaper article. Why? They want to read a PS, with thematic, cohesive paragraphs. Breaking them should be for rhetorical effect, which you do only once: "I hated myself."
- Your motif of music being a liberating mechanism for your sexuality is not as clear as it could be. The topic shift seems abrupt, and the incentive/motivation/impetus -- no matter how true it may be -- seems artificial. Just my opinion though.
- the chronology is distorted because you talk about dating men in college then revert to your musical revelation at 17

Good things:
- personal struggle with homophobia and societal pressure (but I hated the "societal and legal world" phrase)
- the musical details are great, speaks to how well-versed you are in music
- "it gets better" theme motif
- conclusion is good

Solutions:
Each paragraph should establish a point, leading to your decision since this is the main point of your PS (I struggled, I overcame , how I overcame, I want to help others like me overcome). Weave the music into the LGBTQ narrative elegantly and logically.

In many ways, you have the opportunity to write something bigger than a why I want to go to law school. With material as rich as this I would opt to remove law school from the PS entirely and instead refocus the statement a bit to depict your sexual maturation exclusively and reflect on its importance and implications for other LGBTQ individuals. Just my opinion. The Why Law fits fine anyhow.

Good luck!

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Second draft PS - give it a read?

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Dec 08, 2010 3:24 pm

Well written & convincing.

quetzal_bird
Posts: 206
Joined: Sat Oct 30, 2010 11:45 am

Re: Second draft PS - give it a read?

Postby quetzal_bird » Wed Dec 08, 2010 6:08 pm

I agree with aesis's advice. I will say, however, I was still engrossed. It's not perfect yet, but the story is beautiful




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