Please take a look...

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Tullstone
Posts: 89
Joined: Thu Jul 29, 2010 1:00 pm

Please take a look...

Postby Tullstone » Mon Dec 06, 2010 10:02 pm

I found some errors. Thanks for looking.
Last edited by Tullstone on Mon Dec 06, 2010 10:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Tullstone
Posts: 89
Joined: Thu Jul 29, 2010 1:00 pm

Re: Please take a look...

Postby Tullstone » Mon Dec 06, 2010 10:17 pm

I know this is a touchy topic, but please dont be afraid to criticize it. This is why I have posted it on the internet, where insensitivity lives! :D

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PinkCow
Posts: 786
Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2010 2:03 am

Re: Please take a look...

Postby PinkCow » Mon Dec 06, 2010 10:26 pm

I really like the first two paragraphs - not as crazy about the last 3. I didn't read very thoroughly, but the 3rd P had a few glaring usage errors that caught my eye (e.g., "escape were" doesn't agree, "graveyards...which" doesn't agree, etc.).

Overall, I think the subject is very compelling and you make it interesting. Your attempt to tie it in to the present and your legal goals is a good direction, but it's a little confusing and awkward at times. Maybe it's just me. I'd wait till others comment before taking my suggestions very heavily.

Bottom line - subject = like. First part = like. 2nd part = meh.

Tullstone
Posts: 89
Joined: Thu Jul 29, 2010 1:00 pm

Re: Please take a look...

Postby Tullstone » Mon Dec 06, 2010 10:27 pm

Thank you very much for the input. Ill take a look.

Tullstone
Posts: 89
Joined: Thu Jul 29, 2010 1:00 pm

Re: Please take a look...

Postby Tullstone » Mon Dec 06, 2010 10:32 pm

chip3341 wrote:I really like the first two paragraphs - not as crazy about the last 3. I didn't read very thoroughly, but the 3rd P had a few glaring usage errors that caught my eye (e.g., "escape were" doesn't agree, "graveyards...which" doesn't agree, etc.).

Overall, I think the subject is very compelling and you make it interesting. Your attempt to tie it in to the present and your legal goals is a good direction, but it's a little confusing and awkward at times. Maybe it's just me. I'd wait till others comment before taking my suggestions very heavily.

Bottom line - subject = like. First part = like. 2nd part = meh.



Could you explain that sense of awkwardness? Like... unrealistic? Too overwhelming?

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PinkCow
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Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2010 2:03 am

Re: Please take a look...

Postby PinkCow » Mon Dec 06, 2010 10:44 pm

Honestly I'd have to take another look to explain. It didn't seem to flow as nicely as the first part and the connection you made between your grandfather and (I think) Serbian genocide was underdeveloped. I'd suggest leaving it up longer for others to comment.

Tullstone
Posts: 89
Joined: Thu Jul 29, 2010 1:00 pm

Re: Please take a look...

Postby Tullstone » Mon Dec 06, 2010 10:59 pm

chip3341 wrote:Honestly I'd have to take another look to explain. It didn't seem to flow as nicely as the first part and the connection you made between your grandfather and (I think) Serbian genocide was underdeveloped. I'd suggest leaving it up longer for others to comment.


I will repost once I fix some issues.

Till then..




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