If you are interested, please critique my opening paragraph

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
AKenter
Posts: 40
Joined: Sat Dec 04, 2010 9:17 pm

If you are interested, please critique my opening paragraph

Postby AKenter » Mon Dec 06, 2010 12:09 am

Hello there. I am slowly slogging through writing my personal statement and now, after trashing many attempts, believe that I have made a decent start. If you would be so kind, I would greatly appreciate it if you would critique my opening paragraph. In particular, do you think it is a good hook? Thank you very much for your help! :)

As I waved goodbye to my parents and entered the security line at Logan Airport, I was alternatively consumed by excitement and fear. I could hardly believe that I was preparing to board the plane that in a few short hours would land in Rome signaling the beginning of my European adventure. While still an undergraduate, I began saving for this trip with my income as a resident assistant and then, upon graduation, saved much of my earnings working as an assistant at a small law firm for the same purpose. Nevertheless, as the plane took off, I was acutely aware that if I was going to accomplish my goal of traveling through four countries in four months I would have to vigilantly abide by the budget I had created. In order to last a full four months I could spend on average no more than $60 per day. Yet, I would need more than discipline to achieve my goal. In order to provide myself with greater flexibility, I had only booked lodging for three of the seventeen weeks I would be traveling and had made no transportation arrangements. My ability to strictly adhere to my budget plans and to handle the stress of making travel plans while on the go would determine whether my adventure was to be a success or failure.

tourdeforcex
Posts: 428
Joined: Fri Jun 11, 2010 2:19 pm

Re: If you are interested, please critique my opening paragraph

Postby tourdeforcex » Mon Dec 06, 2010 12:11 am

it's a decent start. i want to know where it goes though.

once you write out more, you could probably cut some from what you've written. keep slogging.

AKenter
Posts: 40
Joined: Sat Dec 04, 2010 9:17 pm

Re: If you are interested, please critique my opening paragraph

Postby AKenter » Mon Dec 06, 2010 11:46 pm

Thanks for the comment tourdeforcex. I finished my first draft and so will post it. However, I think that to maximize exposure I will post it as a new thread.




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.