PS- 500 words for T3/T4 Please give feedback

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
MegD
Posts: 11
Joined: Mon Nov 30, 2009 1:51 pm

PS- 500 words for T3/T4 Please give feedback

Postby MegD » Sun Dec 05, 2010 1:09 pm

There are enough memoirs, movies, and reality television shows that have clearly established that no one’s family life is normal. In true reality fashion, my family exemplified dysfunctional. We were so dysfunctional, in fact, that at only seven years old I began to understand the concept of self-reliance. So, while my parents did not place presents with pretty bows under the tree each Christmas, they blessed me with the gifts to stare hardship, chaos, and manipulation in the face with pure grit and say, “Is that all you got?”
My father’s binge drug habits and his inability to provide me with a supportive and safe home life gave me my first introduction to the judicial system. At age fourteen, I went before the judge and explained that shopping trips to Wal-Mart at three in the morning and Nitrus Oxide tanks in the living room were contributing to an unhealthy living environment for my younger sister and me. While I was able to escape the instability of my father’s home it was equally enervating to have to live with a mother whose interest in personal gain trumped that of her children. From an early age I knew I wanted to be more than a cliché. As a result, I abandoned the false attempts at a good childhood and set out to find who I could be without focusing on the pretext of a dysfunctional family and the excuses that are often, unjustifiably, associated with that. To my satisfaction I found that I was powerful, humble, determined, open, unassuming and willing to endure the road that was going to take me where I needed to be-- an advocate for the policies and structure on which society thrives.
I walked into the forestry school at the **Undergrad University** with little knowledge of the importance of our natural resources and walked away with a sincere appreciation and dedication to the land. A necessary balance must be found between this growing population and the resources provided by the Earth. I have shaped my personal life around finding this balance and I will continue to do so through law school and, of course, as an attorney. I know that XXXX can provide the education to prepare me for the demands of legal conflict and I look forward to the challenges presented by XXXX to remind me that good results do not come without hard work.

octneedy
Posts: 40
Joined: Mon Nov 01, 2010 4:48 pm

Re: PS- 500 words for T3/T4 Please give feedback

Postby octneedy » Sun Dec 05, 2010 7:10 pm

In true reality fashion, my family exemplified dysfunctional. We were so dysfunctional, in fact, that at only seven years old I began to understand the concept of self-reliance.


Are you sure you want to compare your life to a reality television show? If so remember to add the word "television."

To my satisfaction I found that I was powerful, humble, determined, open, unassuming and willing to endure the road that was going to take me where I needed to be-- an advocate for the policies and structure on which society thrives.


You say you are these things, but you do not explain how you got there...why should the reader assume then that you possess these qualities? There is no evidence to suggest that you actually have those skills, just an inference that your childhood has resulted in it. Also using the phrase "to my satisfaction" makes you sound really smug.

The third paragraph seems haphazardly tacked on. You're spending too much word space discussing how unhappy your past was and not enough discussing how that difficult childhood has shaped you into a better human being.

Note: I also noticed that your writing has colloquialisms. i.e "of course" and I personally don't recommend having them in your writing... but then again my writing style is very formal.




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