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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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vissidarte27
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Removed

Postby vissidarte27 » Sat Dec 04, 2010 3:41 pm

Nothin' to see here, move right along.

Decided to go the PM route instead of the "let it all hang out on the internet" route.
Last edited by vissidarte27 on Sun Dec 05, 2010 2:53 am, edited 1 time in total.

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NZA
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Re: PS first draft - undergrad music major and LGBT

Postby NZA » Sat Dec 04, 2010 4:07 pm

Just some preliminary comments (I will give it a more detailed read later):

Lots of paragraphs. Your PS is kind of like reading a newspaper article. I'd suggest finding a way to make things flow a little better, but that's kind of a personal style issue. I really like long, complex sentences in long, complex paragraphs. So, it may just be me. :P

Also, what is a Clue Bus? :oops: I feel kind of dumb for asking. Is it a LGBTQ thing?

EDIT: One last preliminary comment: it's really good! :) Just some tweaks and all that. I especially liked the two paragraphs coming after "I hated myself."

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NZA
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Re: PS first draft - undergrad music major and LGBT

Postby NZA » Sat Dec 04, 2010 4:38 pm

Before we begin, Tosca is awesome! :)

vissidarte27 wrote:removed per OP request
Last edited by NZA on Sun Dec 05, 2010 7:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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vissidarte27
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Re: PS first draft - undergrad music major and LGBT

Postby vissidarte27 » Sat Dec 04, 2010 4:42 pm

Thanks for the response!

I'll see if I can combine some of the shorter paragraphs. You're right, they do look kind of silly and I can see at least one or two spots where I can fix that.

I may remove the "Clue Bus" sentence. I don't know if it's an LGBT thing or just a "me and my friends" thing, but I use it in reference to the numerous events in my life that should have clued me in to my sexuality. I should have caught a clue earlier than I did, but I was willfully ignorant and determinedly avoiding anything that might have pointed towards homosexuality.

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El_Gallo
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Re: PS first draft - undergrad music major and LGBT

Postby El_Gallo » Sat Dec 04, 2010 4:45 pm

I think that this is a really amazing PS. It does a good job at portraying your personality and also making the jump from music career to law.

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vissidarte27
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Re: PS first draft - undergrad music major and LGBT

Postby vissidarte27 » Sat Dec 04, 2010 4:50 pm

You responded while I was responding to your first response.

Detailed feedback is FABULOUS, thank you. I will definitely take it into consideration (making changes right now, actually) and I think it makes a lot of sense. I didn't know that personal relationships were on the "Do not mention" list, so that's particularly helpful.

Nice to see another opera fan in the house, too. :)

I'm applying ED to UVA. Beyond that, I'm still trying to figure it out. I really want to go to Virginia and I think if I score on the Feb. LSAT what I have been on my PTs (170-171), I might have a shot despite a not so stellar GPA (3.22). And I need a rockin' personal statement, so... back to work. :)

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NZA
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Re: PS first draft - undergrad music major and LGBT

Postby NZA » Sat Dec 04, 2010 4:56 pm

vissidarte27 wrote:You responded while I was responding to your first response.

Detailed feedback is FABULOUS, thank you. I will definitely take it into consideration (making changes right now, actually) and I think it makes a lot of sense. I didn't know that personal relationships were on the "Do not mention" list, so that's particularly helpful.

Nice to see another opera fan in the house, too. :)

I'm applying ED to UVA. Beyond that, I'm still trying to figure it out. I really want to go to Virginia and I think if I score on the Feb. LSAT what I have been on my PTs (170-171), I might have a shot despite a not so stellar GPA (3.22). And I need a rockin' personal statement, so... back to work. :)


Yeah...as far as relationships go, they kind of just seem too personal for a Personal Statement. I think in your case, you could get away with it since it was a big element of part of your essay. You were using it to a certain extent as a device to advance your narrative. The rule is more generally applied to people who ONLY write about a relationship. So, again, I think you could definitely have it in there, but it'd probably be more risk than it's worth.

You'll be fine...with an interesting and unique PS like yours, I'm sure you'll have a really good chance at UVA. I mean, I'm no expert, but it seems like that will be the case, anyway. :) Good luck! And if you want any more help, feel free to PM it to me.

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Montevillian
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Re: PS first draft - undergrad music major and LGBT

Postby Montevillian » Sat Dec 04, 2010 4:58 pm

I wish I could be more helpful, but I agree with the previous posters- this is a really good, super readable personal statement, and I absolutely love how much about yourself you managed to put into it without making it seem like a resume or an autobiography. Fantastic writing. I do also agree, though, that the "Clue Bus" thing is strange. I know what you're getting at with it, but the fact that you capitalized it made me think you were referencing something specific, which really threw me off. I'm assume this would effect adcomms somewhat similarly. Good luck!

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vissidarte27
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Re: PS first draft - undergrad music major and LGBT

Postby vissidarte27 » Sat Dec 04, 2010 5:03 pm

Trying to figure out how to remove the relationship is difficult since it really was a huge turning point for me.

Do you think if I gloss over it a little and spend more time on the effects (coming out, finding a passion for LGBT advocacy and for law, a desire to make the world better, etc) that it would work? If I mention it but don't dwell on it?

JJDancer
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Re: PS first draft - undergrad music major and LGBT

Postby JJDancer » Sun Dec 05, 2010 7:12 pm

vissidarte27 wrote:Trying to figure out how to remove the relationship is difficult since it really was a huge turning point for me.

Do you think if I gloss over it a little and spend more time on the effects (coming out, finding a passion for LGBT advocacy and for law, a desire to make the world better, etc) that it would work? If I mention it but don't dwell on it?

I think this could work.




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