Rough Draft PS - Any Good? Should I scrap and start anew?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )

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Rough Draft PS - Any Good? Should I scrap and start anew?

Postby mikey101 » Fri Dec 03, 2010 11:41 pm

I've struggled mightily with writing a PS. I think I was obsessing over the fact that it needed to be perfect and in doing so wasn't able to put anything on paper. I finally overcame that and kinda wrote about how I feel. I don't have any amazing story or large piece of adversity I overcame so I did the best with what I had.

I haven't fine tuned it for grammar yet so obviously if there's something glaring let me know. But please let me know in a broader sense if it's any good. Does it come across too hackneyed or cliche? Is it too disjointed? If so, is there any way of fixing that without scrapping it entirely? I like it but know it's not quite there yet. I appreciate the feedback!


“But I’m thirteen,” my young self protested as my parents attempted to pass me off as a twelve year old. Had I not spoken up, I would have gained a discounted admission to the amusement park. They continued to try and silence me in front of the ticket booth, hoping the vendor had not heard me, but I only got louder and angrier. “I’ve been thirteen for four months! Why are you lying about how old I am?”

I couldn’t comprehend why my parents would tell a white lie. Even as my mom took me aside to tell me that I was right that we shouldn’t break rules, but in this instance it was something small enough that it was okay, I persisted nonetheless.
My childhood is full of anecdotes like the one recounted above. From the time I threw a fit when my parents tried to drive down a private road with a no trespassing sign to being voted “Most Verbal” and “Most Honest” in preschool and kindergarten, I’ve always felt that rules are meant to be recognized and abided by. I’ve also never been shy in voicing that conviction.

Reflecting on my life up to this point, my passions have all in some way or another had a unifying theme of rules and procedure. In high school I gravitated toward the world of Model UN. For one, I was attracted to the fast paced speech and debate aspect of MUN as well as the challenge of tackling some of the world’s most pressing issues. However, beyond the policy challenges, I liked Model UN because there was a set order to things. I could truly hold an advantage over others by not only knowing every motion and procedure in the books, but also by actually understanding why a rule was created and where it could be best put to use.

Growing up, it had always been instilled in me that no matter the situation I was to do the right thing. At the amusement park, I had argued with my parents because lying about my age was simply the wrong thing to do. My fascination with rules was perhaps an offshoot of this mentality. Rules and laws often provide a guidepost so society can know what is in fact right.

I am (and will always strive to be) an optimist. I like to see the best in people; if I didn’t, I think the world would be a much more depressing place. When I got to college – slowly but surely – I also became a realist. As I studied and developed as an independent thinker, it became abundantly clear that doing what was right in a situation doesn’t always mean following a law or strict set of guidelines. Laws are sometimes flawed. More often than not they are in part created out of self-interest rather than a genuine desire to do what is right. With this revelation, I was forced to reexamine my worldview.

My focus shifted from memorizing rules and laws to critically evaluating the policy and political process through which they were created. I gravitated specifically toward health policy because it’s a realm where if what is morally right is done, the potential exists to substantially better the lives of millions of people. I found myself following the health reform efforts intensely, reading any draft legislation I could get my hands on. I wanted to understand what in the broadest scope the House and Senate were trying to accomplish. Was their motivation self-interested or did they want to do what was right?

Ultimately, the answer was a bit of both. To the Democrats credit they stood by a bill that, even with its many flaws, will substantially improve the lives of millions who previously lacked a champion. They stood for what was right in the face of heated scrutiny and for that, the optimist in me felt validated.

Perhaps no single person will revolution the world by himself. But by doing what is right they can positively impact those directly around them. I want to attend [school name] because I want to be in a position one day to use the law as my tool to change my world for the better. If I could step back in time and send a message to my thirteen year old self, it would be a simple one: “Good for you, Michael. Keep standing up for what’s right.”

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Re: Rough Draft PS - Any Good? Should I scrap and start anew?

Postby glitched » Sat Dec 04, 2010 1:10 am

I get the theme you are trying to say - that you believe in what's right and you will always believe that. but that sounds a bit trite. and the anecdote you give to show how you are this way comes from childhood. Can't you find anything descriptive that shows (not tells) that you believe in doing the right thing that happened recently?

Edit: you also jump around way too much and jump to conclusions with little to no support.


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Re: Rough Draft PS - Any Good? Should I scrap and start anew?

Postby mikey101 » Sat Dec 04, 2010 4:02 am

Ughh.. Yeah so frustrating but very constructive feedback. Thanks. Do you think the basic premise then is just too trite and should be abandoned?

Also, I start with an anecdote from when I was young to try and show a timeline/progression of though but I do see your point. And yes I tend to be too scattered of a writer.

Back to the drawing board I guess :/

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