need opinion for 2 sentences (diversity statement)

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binarycode
Posts: 35
Joined: Tue Nov 30, 2010 8:36 pm

need opinion for 2 sentences (diversity statement)

Postby binarycode » Fri Dec 03, 2010 4:41 pm

I am trying to include 2 sentences in the diversity statement. Here they are:

"As a poor immigrant, I understood the obstacles that people in difficult situations had to overcome. It was partly because of this that I volunteered to help my community and immigrants whenever possible."

Please let me know if you find any grammar mistake. Any suggestions for altering the structure of the sentences will also be appreciated. Thank you!

FYI: my volunteering positions: hospital (2 years; I also helped out a blind woman who spoke only Spanish), first aid organization, and care center (elderly residential). I volunteered both to help the community and gain interpersonal skills.

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DamnLSAT
Posts: 164
Joined: Wed Jun 09, 2010 3:14 pm

Re: need opinion for 2 sentences (diversity statement)

Postby DamnLSAT » Fri Dec 03, 2010 6:37 pm

binarycode wrote:I am trying to include 2 sentences in the diversity statement. Here they are:

"As a poor immigrant, I understood the obstacles that people in difficult situations had to overcome. It was partly because of this that I volunteered to help my community and immigrants whenever possible."

Please let me know if you find any grammar mistake. Any suggestions for altering the structure of the sentences will also be appreciated. Thank you!

FYI: my volunteering positions: hospital (2 years; I also helped out a blind woman who spoke only Spanish), first aid organization, and care center (elderly residential). I volunteered both to help the community and gain interpersonal skills.



I will concede I am not a grammar expert, but I am not fond of the second sentence whatsoever. "It was partly because of this that I..." really does not flow well. Perhaps something like, "I volunteered to help...", will put you in the focus.

binarycode
Posts: 35
Joined: Tue Nov 30, 2010 8:36 pm

Re: need opinion for 2 sentences (diversity statement)

Postby binarycode » Fri Dec 03, 2010 7:36 pm

Yes, you are right. I will change it. Thanks!

Anyone else? I would like to get more opinions.

stheskier
Posts: 100
Joined: Tue Nov 30, 2010 6:12 pm

Re: need opinion for 2 sentences (diversity statement)

Postby stheskier » Fri Dec 03, 2010 8:24 pm

Your sentence: As a poor immigrant, I understood the obstacles that people in difficult situations had to overcome. It was partly because of this that I volunteered to help my community and immigrants whenever possible.

Possible correction: As a poor immigrant I have had to overcome many difficult obstacles, and it is because of this that I volunteer regularly in my community to aid other immigrants and citizens.
(maybe even delete and citizens on end, it's kind of hanging)

Just an idea. I think it has a lot of ideas squashed together. Maybe trying to break it into parts and being more direct will help. I think making the first idea more personal makes it more moving...because now I want to know what you have dealt with and how that transfers to your work.

binarycode
Posts: 35
Joined: Tue Nov 30, 2010 8:36 pm

Re: need opinion for 2 sentences (diversity statement)

Postby binarycode » Fri Dec 03, 2010 8:50 pm

stheskier wrote:Your sentence: As a poor immigrant, I understood the obstacles that people in difficult situations had to overcome. It was partly because of this that I volunteered to help my community and immigrants whenever possible.

Possible correction: As a poor immigrant I have had to overcome many difficult obstacles, and it is because of this that I volunteer regularly in my community to aid other immigrants and citizens.
(maybe even delete and citizens on end, it's kind of hanging)

Just an idea. I think it has a lot of ideas squashed together. Maybe trying to break it into parts and being more direct will help. I think making the first idea more personal makes it more moving...because now I want to know what you have dealt with and how that transfers to your work.


That's a great idea, though I helped citizens more extensively than other immigrants. At the beginning of the essay, I have elaborated on my hardship as an immigrant. This is an excerpt from my last paragraph. So I will probably go by something similar to your suggested correction and leave it the way it is as a sub-conclusion.

Alternatively, do you (or anybody else in the forum) think that I should take this part out of my essay and incorporate it in other parts of the application?

stheskier
Posts: 100
Joined: Tue Nov 30, 2010 6:12 pm

Re: need opinion for 2 sentences (diversity statement)

Postby stheskier » Fri Dec 03, 2010 8:53 pm

? I haven't read the entire PS, but I like these sentences and where you are going with them. It sets up a good idea. Just make sure you don't try including too much. Stick to your story.

binarycode
Posts: 35
Joined: Tue Nov 30, 2010 8:36 pm

Re: need opinion for 2 sentences (diversity statement)

Postby binarycode » Fri Dec 03, 2010 11:39 pm

Thanks for the advice stheskier. I will keep it then.




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