Is my INTRO too DRAMATIC???????

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )

Is this introduction TOO dramatic?

Poll ended at Mon Dec 13, 2010 3:11 pm

Yes, tone it down.
0
No votes
No, its personal/emotional.
3
60%
No, but more emotional insight would be better than details about tears.
2
40%
 
Total votes: 5

JJDancer
Posts: 1564
Joined: Sun Jul 26, 2009 7:41 pm

Is my INTRO too DRAMATIC???????

Postby JJDancer » Fri Dec 03, 2010 3:11 pm

EDITED out my introduction.

Thanks all!
Last edited by JJDancer on Sat Dec 04, 2010 11:50 am, edited 2 times in total.

User avatar
buckilaw
Posts: 840
Joined: Fri May 07, 2010 1:27 am

Re: Is my INTRO too DRAMATIC???????

Postby buckilaw » Fri Dec 03, 2010 3:16 pm

I think it's good. Though it looks like you are loosing some steam in the second paragraph. And the last sentence sounds somewhat cliche, though the substance is good. Try to rewrite that last sentence to have more action/impact.

User avatar
DoubleChecks
Posts: 2333
Joined: Fri Sep 25, 2009 4:35 pm

Re: Is my INTRO too DRAMATIC???????

Postby DoubleChecks » Fri Dec 03, 2010 3:18 pm

buckilaw wrote:I think it's good. Though it looks like you are loosing some steam in the second paragraph. And the last sentence sounds somewhat cliche, though the substance is good. Try to rewrite that last sentence to have more action/impact.


+1

i dont think it is too dramatic

2nd paragraph starts sounding contrived (well i guess all of it is, but i mean it shouldnt SOUND that way :P) and a bit fake

User avatar
glitched
Posts: 1040
Joined: Wed May 19, 2010 9:50 am

Re: Is my INTRO too DRAMATIC???????

Postby glitched » Fri Dec 03, 2010 3:21 pm

No its not too dramatic here but I've read your whole ps and the reason it might seem dramatic in relation to the ps is because it seems unconnected to your last few paragraphs. So from that perspective, it seems you are writing this strictly for the drama and then moving on to something else.

SpiteFence
Posts: 131
Joined: Mon Nov 01, 2010 12:26 pm

Re: Is my INTRO too DRAMATIC???????

Postby SpiteFence » Fri Dec 03, 2010 3:24 pm

No but you thread title is.

maddox86
Posts: 33
Joined: Tue Feb 23, 2010 4:33 am

Re: Is my INTRO too DRAMATIC???????

Postby maddox86 » Fri Dec 03, 2010 8:39 pm

I love it.

But yeah I agree with whoever said before to remove the last sentence from the second paragraph. I would say just remove it, no need to re-write.

Also, I'm not sure about this (to fulfill our dream of being together on a daily basis), I know what you're saying I just think the sentence is too much. And no it doesn't sound contrived or fake.

Also, office is an asshole.

User avatar
MoS
Posts: 404
Joined: Fri Oct 16, 2009 10:59 pm

Re: Is my INTRO too DRAMATIC???????

Postby MoS » Fri Dec 03, 2010 9:02 pm

JJDancer wrote:(1)“I’m not letting you back in the United States,” threatened the immigration officer. (2)My heart was pounding and tears began to sneak their way down my cheeks. (3)My mother clutched my hand tightly, attempting to offer reassurance. (4)However, she too was terrified that the new life we had started in America just a few months prior would be snatched away. (5)It was the first time in 15 years that my father was not away from our family for six to nine months at a time, sailing as a sea captain. (6)We had come from New Delhi, India to New York to fulfill our dream of being together on a daily basis, even though it meant I had to sleep in the living room and my mother had to walk me four miles to and from school. (7)Not being able to reenter the U.S. meant we would again be separated, this time from our new home and friends. (8)My father tried his best to hide his fear and frustration as he pleaded with the officer. (9)“I was transferred to the New York office of my company. They are expecting me back at work. We have done everything legally.” (10)“I don’t believe you. I don’t think your intentions are good,” the officer scowled back. (11)I had never heard anyone speak to my father this way before. (12) My fear of never returning to New York was replaced by bewilderment and anger that anyone would doubt my father, a man with more integrity than anyone I knew.

Ultimately, we returned to New York with the help of lawyers from my father’s company, who demonstrated our innocence. As a ten-year-old, I had been helpless the day the immigration officer treated my family’s future recklessly. However, my memory of the lawyers successfully resolving our case stayed with me for years. This early experience showed me that law and a legal education were tools to correct injustices.

EDIT: The rest of my essay is about my political activism on behalf of my religious community. It basically the highlights the whole "law as a tool to correct injustice" theme so maybe that makes it less contrived/fake? (Maybe not?) Thanks all!


The first sentence is fine, except it's passive and that may not want that to set the tone of your writing. Second sentence is good, though "sneak" isn't a great word to use. Third sentence is fine. The fourth sentence is confusing, it needs some commas or to be split up. Fifth sentence should be reworded and maybe relocated. Sixth sentence should say "We were coming . . ." its a better tense. I don't like the seventh sentence. I don't know why, but I'd leave it out. Eighth sentence good. Ninth sentences are fine. Tenth, is this what was really said, it seems to lack authenticity. Eleventh, good. Twelfth, was your fear that of not going back to New York, or of returning to the life you had in New Delhi? Second paragraph resolves the problem too quickly. Maybe explain any contact you had with the lawyers as the conflict was resolved?

And no it's not too dramatic. Its real, and as long as it doesn't seem like you are embellishing then it will never be too dramatic. Its a great story to explain why you want to go to law school




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.