Second draft, not sure if I made it worse...

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
rockspaperjesus
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Joined: Thu Nov 04, 2010 1:06 pm

Second draft, not sure if I made it worse...

Postby rockspaperjesus » Thu Dec 02, 2010 3:03 pm

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Last edited by rockspaperjesus on Wed Jan 19, 2011 9:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

rockspaperjesus
Posts: 66
Joined: Thu Nov 04, 2010 1:06 pm

Re: Second draft, not sure if I made it worse...

Postby rockspaperjesus » Fri Dec 03, 2010 5:01 pm

anyone? i could really use the help

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DamnLSAT
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Re: Second draft, not sure if I made it worse...

Postby DamnLSAT » Fri Dec 03, 2010 5:47 pm

I will read and comment, if you do the same to mine.

MegD
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Re: Second draft, not sure if I made it worse...

Postby MegD » Sun Dec 05, 2010 9:04 pm

I experienced somewhat similar familial situations. My first PS focused heavily on my father's (and sister's) drug habits and how that inadvertently shaped me into a strong, motivated person. I think you write beautifully, but the comments on here and from my friends suggested that I focus less on the "dysfunctional childhood" and more on what I have become because of it. I am still struggling to make this happen in mine, but would gladly read another draft if you attempt to do the same with your statement.

*Not much help, I know, but hopefully the comments I received can shed light on your statement*

rockspaperjesus
Posts: 66
Joined: Thu Nov 04, 2010 1:06 pm

Re: Second draft, not sure if I made it worse...

Postby rockspaperjesus » Mon Dec 06, 2010 12:18 pm

MegD wrote:I experienced somewhat similar familial situations. My first PS focused heavily on my father's (and sister's) drug habits and how that inadvertently shaped me into a strong, motivated person. I think you write beautifully, but the comments on here and from my friends suggested that I focus less on the "dysfunctional childhood" and more on what I have become because of it. I am still struggling to make this happen in mine, but would gladly read another draft if you attempt to do the same with your statement.

*Not much help, I know, but hopefully the comments I received can shed light on your statement*


Thanks for your comments, I am also struggling with that quite a bit. I'd be glad to read yours also if you decide to move in that direction.

Learic
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Joined: Wed Dec 01, 2010 12:51 pm

Re: Second draft, not sure if I made it worse...

Postby Learic » Mon Dec 06, 2010 12:59 pm

I think this is a touching story, however, I am not sure why this makes you a good candidate for law school. I am left feeling that I know more about your father than yourself, and he's not applying to school. I would add in how these events have changed your life and what you hope to do with that in law school.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Second draft, not sure if I made it worse...

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Dec 06, 2010 1:09 pm

Not good. Unlikely to be effective helping you get into law school. Too long with too few real insights. I recall reading a much better version about two weeks ago. As written, you do not present yourself as a likable or interesting person. This is an angry, cathartic, sympathy-seeking essay.

rockspaperjesus
Posts: 66
Joined: Thu Nov 04, 2010 1:06 pm

Re: Second draft, not sure if I made it worse...

Postby rockspaperjesus » Mon Dec 06, 2010 1:18 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:Not good. Unlikely to be effective helping you get into law school. Too long with too few real insights. I recall reading a much better version about two weeks ago. As written, you do not present yourself as a likable or interesting person. This is an angry, cathartic, sympathy-seeking essay.


haha, ouch. I'm not sure I completely understand, this version is not all that much different than the last. I made it shorter, but did not, to my knowledge, add any anger. I am not currently angry about the situation so that is confusing to me. Could you expand?

krad
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Re: Second draft, not sure if I made it worse...

Postby krad » Mon Dec 06, 2010 1:22 pm

MegD wrote:I experienced somewhat similar familial situations. My first PS focused heavily on my father's (and sister's) drug habits and how that inadvertently shaped me into a strong, motivated person. I think you write beautifully, but the comments on here and from my friends suggested that I focus less on the "dysfunctional childhood" and more on what [you] have become because of it. I am still struggling to make this happen in mine, but would gladly read another draft if you attempt to do the same with your statement.

*Not much help, I know, but hopefully the comments I received can shed light on your statement*


From a cursory read, I would agree with this as well.

Good luck!

CanadianWolf
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Re: Second draft, not sure if I made it worse...

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Dec 06, 2010 1:24 pm

A portrayal of an angry child/childhood.

rockspaperjesus
Posts: 66
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Re: Second draft, not sure if I made it worse...

Postby rockspaperjesus » Mon Dec 06, 2010 1:27 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:A portrayal of an angry child/childhood.


As sad childhood, something I can't change and that has truly shaped the person I am today. Do you have any suggestions? I would like to make this work and from your comments on the previous version, it seemed like you thought that was a possibility.

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vissidarte27
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Re: Second draft, not sure if I made it worse...

Postby vissidarte27 » Mon Dec 06, 2010 4:40 pm

I'd really like to see more of how this experience affected you. Less about the actual experience itself and more about the aftermath, about how that ties in to your desire to go to law school. What does your fathers drug problem have to do with you wanting to be a lawyer? How do they relate?

That is what is missing from this, IMO. The connection.

el pan de platano
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Joined: Thu Sep 30, 2010 11:16 am

Re: Second draft, not sure if I made it worse...

Postby el pan de platano » Mon Dec 06, 2010 4:51 pm

I felt like your last paragraph should be about halfway through your essay. Keep the current length, but mirror the negative in the first half with positive in the second. You do write pretty well though.




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