Help with my DS, please!!!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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kruiz88
Posts: 194
Joined: Sat Aug 14, 2010 1:20 pm

Help with my DS, please!!!

Postby kruiz88 » Wed Dec 01, 2010 11:59 am

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Last edited by kruiz88 on Sun Feb 06, 2011 10:44 am, edited 3 times in total.

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kruiz88
Posts: 194
Joined: Sat Aug 14, 2010 1:20 pm

Re: Anybody up for reading a DS?

Postby kruiz88 » Wed Dec 01, 2010 3:38 pm

Pretty Please?

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aesis
Posts: 323
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Re: Anybody up for reading a DS?

Postby aesis » Wed Dec 01, 2010 4:03 pm

I would seriously overhaul this to be thematically coherent. You talk about learning to define who you are, but you never show it. The three paragraphs are disjointed. As of right now your first paragraph is the strongest but doesn't expand enough for the reader to really empathize with you. There is adversity, but I don't see you overcoming the adversity.

The 2nd graf needs a lot of work and I'm too lazy to really upholster your writing. 3rd graf is also out of nowhere. You should seriously find someone to help you with your phrasing. In all honesty, if I were an adcomm I would be able to discern from this piece that your writing needs help -- that's something that can be improved with others' criticism, but it will take someone with an eye for it the patience to stick with you in your future drafts.

Stick to your Puerto Rican adversity and talk about overcoming it or learning from it, but showww it. Best of luck.
Last edited by aesis on Thu Dec 02, 2010 5:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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kruiz88
Posts: 194
Joined: Sat Aug 14, 2010 1:20 pm

Re: Anybody up for reading a DS?

Postby kruiz88 » Wed Dec 01, 2010 8:12 pm

Changed it to hopefully improve the flow. Thanks.

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kruiz88
Posts: 194
Joined: Sat Aug 14, 2010 1:20 pm

Re: Help with my DS, please!!!

Postby kruiz88 » Thu Dec 02, 2010 12:03 pm

Well submitting tomorrow night, any input before then would be greatly appreciated.

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kruiz88
Posts: 194
Joined: Sat Aug 14, 2010 1:20 pm

Re: Help with my DS, please!!!

Postby kruiz88 » Thu Dec 02, 2010 2:38 pm

PM me if you are uneasy about posting critiques/comments for all to see. Thank you.

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Help with my DS, please!!!

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Dec 02, 2010 2:59 pm

This is unlikely to be an effective diversity statement because all it conveys is that you have encountered some small minded people.

manthony
Posts: 17
Joined: Wed Nov 24, 2010 12:54 am

Re: Help with my DS, please!!!

Postby manthony » Thu Dec 02, 2010 3:21 pm

Suggestion: Make your writing clearer and more to the point. Take out filler words.

Growing up a light-skinned child of mixed heritage, I often was forced to confront racism. It is hard to tell that I am Puerto Rican based on my physical appearance. As such, it is not uncommon for people to make derogatory statements to me about Hispanics. In order to avoid the accusations of not being “a real Hispanic,” I learned to stay quiet when somebody would derogatory comments. As I grew older I learned that only I could define who I was.
Cleaning is an integral part of my employment. I often find myself scrubbing showers or toilets. On more than one occasion I heard people make remarks about leaving the cleaning to the “Mexicans” or other stereotypical, racist comments. As a youth it was comments hurt deeply. Over many similar experiences I have learned how to best deal with these situations. I just offer a non-confrontational remark, illustrating the virtues of humility and hard work, which I get from my Puerto Rican heritage. Usually upon revealing that I am Puerto Rican, I am showered with apologies and red faces.
I will take pride in being the first Ruiz to receive a college degree, but I know I will not be the last. I am clearing the path for those who will follow behind me, such as my brothers who are now undergoing their own academic journey. I am grateful to those who sacrificed before me so I could obtain a secondary education. I understand the responsibility I have to return that favor to future generations. Through hard work and humility, we all can rise to the highest levels in pursuit of our dreams.




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