Edit Emergency

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Ineedhelpplease
Posts: 200
Joined: Thu Apr 08, 2010 11:51 am

Edit Emergency

Postby Ineedhelpplease » Wed Dec 01, 2010 2:08 am

This is what I wrote for brooklyn law schools optional essay. If someone can please help me edit. This is due tomorrow(early decision deadline) please help.

I’m seeking admission to Brooklyn law school because as a receptionist and later court part paralegal in the Domestic violence bureau in the Brooklyn District Attorney’s office I’ve recognized the invaluable opportunities and high level of attorney Brooklyn Law School turns out. I’ve seen it in judges, defense counsels, assistant district attorneys and Brooklyn law students. I’m prepared to join Brooklyn Law schools highly thought of community and become a high level of attorney.
Working in the Brooklyn district Attorney’s office has allowed me to witness firsthand the level of education and preparedness Brooklyn Law School affords it students. I’ve witnessed it by working closely with legal interns who participated in the Prosecutors Clinic, directed by Lisa Smith. We at the Domestic Violence bureau deal with a hectic environment, both in court with a high volume of difficult cases and at our office with complainants who have gone through life altering experiences. As a receptionist I’ve participated in the intake process with both complainant and Brooklyn law school student as a translator and have seen how prepared those students are dealing with the complainant and in exercising sound legal judgment. As a court part paralegal, I’ve seen those same students dealing with defense attorneys, judges and assistant district attorneys as if though already a licensed attorney. I’ve seen many different interns from many different law schools, but I can honestly say those from Brooklyn were the most well prepared. I not only think highly of the Prosecutors clinic but one day would take pride in participating in it.
In observing my work environment a great deal of those lawyers and judges I regard highly have been molded by Brooklyn Law school. I’ve seen trials where the assistant district attorney, the judge and defense counsel all went to Brooklyn law school. I’ve taken notice of their high level of legal understanding only to find out later they went to Brooklyn Law school and in deciding to go to law school Brooklyn became my preferred selection.
Brooklyn Law’s clinical programs, its public interest curriculum, its opportunities to study abroad in particular its international human Rights fellowship are a few but noteworthy reasons I feel Brooklyn Law best serves my particular interest and needs. Brooklyn law has a diverse institution which is evidenced by the lawyers, students and judged I’ve seen who come from different backgrounds yet are well prepared legal practitioners. The opportunity Brooklyn Law offers in relation to its relationships with its surrounding legal facilities such as two large federal courthouses which are nearby in addition to two state courthouses, state court of appeals, and District Attorney's offices are opportunities that comprise all my interests and everything I want to get out of law school.
I’m seeking admission to Brooklyn law school because it best serves my particular interest and needs.

Ineedhelpplease
Posts: 200
Joined: Thu Apr 08, 2010 11:51 am

Re: Edit Emergency

Postby Ineedhelpplease » Wed Dec 01, 2010 2:21 am

sorry I think making the paragraphs clearer would help

----I’m seeking admission to Brooklyn law school because as a receptionist and later court part paralegal in the Domestic violence bureau in the Brooklyn District Attorney’s office I’ve recognized the invaluable opportunities and high level of attorney Brooklyn Law School turns out. I’ve seen it in judges, defense counsels, assistant district attorneys and Brooklyn law students. I’m prepared to join Brooklyn Law schools highly thought of community and become a high level of attorney.
----Working in the Brooklyn district Attorney’s office has allowed me to witness firsthand the level of education and preparedness Brooklyn Law School affords it students. I’ve witnessed it by working closely with legal interns who participated in the Prosecutors Clinic, directed by Lisa Smith. We at the Domestic Violence bureau deal with a hectic environment, both in court with a high volume of difficult cases and at our office with complainants who have gone through life altering experiences. As a receptionist I’ve participated in the intake process with both complainant and Brooklyn law school student as a translator and have seen how prepared those students are dealing with the complainant and in exercising sound legal judgment. As a court part paralegal, I’ve seen those same students dealing with defense attorneys, judges and assistant district attorneys as if though already a licensed attorney. I’ve seen many different interns from many different law schools, but I can honestly say those from Brooklyn were the most well prepared. I not only think highly of the Prosecutors clinic but one day would take pride in participating in it.
----In observing my work environment a great deal of those lawyers and judges I regard highly have been molded by Brooklyn Law school. I’ve seen trials where the assistant district attorney, the judge and defense counsel all went to Brooklyn law school. I’ve taken notice of their high level of legal understanding only to find out later they went to Brooklyn Law school and in deciding to go to law school Brooklyn became my preferred selection.
----Brooklyn Law’s clinical programs, its public interest curriculum, its opportunities to study abroad in particular its international human Rights fellowship are a few but noteworthy reasons I feel Brooklyn Law best serves my particular interest and needs. Brooklyn law has a diverse institution which is evidenced by the lawyers, students and judged I’ve seen who come from different backgrounds yet are well prepared legal practitioners. The opportunity Brooklyn Law offers in relation to its relationships with its surrounding legal facilities such as two large federal courthouses which are nearby in addition to two state courthouses, state court of appeals, and District Attorney's offices are opportunities that comprise all my interests and everything I want to get out of law school.
----I’m seeking admission to Brooklyn law school because it best serves my particular interest and needs.

JJDancer
Posts: 1564
Joined: Sun Jul 26, 2009 7:41 pm

Re: Edit Emergency

Postby JJDancer » Wed Dec 01, 2010 3:46 am

Just looking at the first paragraph, I would not send this as is. "high level of attorney" --> don't say this!!

You spend wayyyy too much time talking about the high-caliber lawyers BLS turns out. You need to cut this aspect of the PS DRASTICALLY. Try something like "As a receptionist and paralegal at the Brooklyn District Attorney's Office, I had to opportunity to meet many BLS(write it out) alumni. During trials, I witnessed their x, y, z (why they were good in trials). Upon speaking with these attorney's I was impressed by their X. Many of them credited their success to a BLS education. This prompted me to research more about BLS."

That is just a rough idea. Then you should focus on the Prosecutor clinic. Don't say you were impressed by the interns. Instead talk about what you would contribute to the Prosecutor clinic as a participant, based on your previous experience.

Then talk about the International Human Rights Fellowship - why you are interested in it, any previous experience you have, what skills you bring.

BLS doesn't have relationships with courthouses so you need to rephrase that. You can mention the BLS partnership with DAs Office etc and why that would help you achieve your future goals of public service.

Hope that helps. Good luck.

Ineedhelpplease wrote:----I’m seeking admission to Brooklyn law school because as a receptionist and later court part paralegal in the Domestic violence bureau in the Brooklyn District Attorney’s office(comma) I’ve recognized the invaluable opportunities and high level of attorney Brooklyn Law School turns out. I’ve seen it in judges, defense counsels, assistant district attorneys and Brooklyn law students. I’m prepared to join Brooklyn Law schools highly thought of community and become a high level of attorney.

----Working in the Brooklyn dDistrict Attorney’s office has allowed me to witness firsthand the level of education and preparedness Brooklyn Law School affords it students. I’ve witnessed it by working closely with legal interns who participated in the Prosecutors Clinic, directed by Lisa Smith. We at the Domestic Violence bureau deal with a hectic environment, both in court with a high volume of difficult cases and at our office with complainants who have gone through life altering experiences. As a receptionist(comma) I’ve participated in the intake process with both complainant and Brooklyn law school student as a translator and have seen how prepared those students are dealing with the complainant and in exercising sound legal judgment. As a court part paralegal, I’ve seen those same students dealing with defense attorneys, judges and assistant district attorneys as if though already a licensed attorney. I’ve seen many different interns from many different law schools, but I can honestly say those from Brooklyn were the most well prepared. I not only think highly of the Prosecutors clinic but one day would take pride in participating in it.

----In observing my work environment a great deal of those lawyers and judges I regard highly have been molded by Brooklyn Law school. I’ve seen trials where the assistant district attorney, the judge and defense counsel all went to Brooklyn law school. I’ve taken notice of their high level of legal understanding only to find out later they went to Brooklyn Law school and in deciding to go to law school Brooklyn became my preferred selection.

----Brooklyn Law’s clinical programs, its public interest curriculum, its opportunities to study abroad in particular its international human Rights fellowship are a few but noteworthy reasons I feel Brooklyn Law best serves my particular interest and needs. Brooklyn law has a diverse institution which is evidenced by the lawyers, students and judged I’ve seen who come from different backgrounds yet are well prepared legal practitioners. The opportunity Brooklyn Law offers in relation to its relationships with its surrounding legal facilities such as two large federal courthouses which are nearby in addition to two state courthouses, state court of appeals, and District Attorney's offices are opportunities that comprise all my interests and everything I want to get out of law school.

----I’m seeking admission to Brooklyn law school because it best serves my particular interest and needs./ok..but you need to also show that you are a good fit to THEIR school and can ADD to their school somehow. Don't just end with "I want you," end with "I want you for x and y and you should want me because I bring z and k"

User avatar
mths
Posts: 1098
Joined: Tue Nov 02, 2010 11:24 am

Re: Edit Emergency

Postby mths » Wed Dec 01, 2010 4:59 am

Ineedhelpplease wrote:sorry I think making the paragraphs clearer would help

----I’mI am seeking admission to Brooklyn law school because, as a receptionist and later, court part paralegal in the Domestic violence bureau in the Brooklyn District Attorney’s office, I’veI have been able to recognized the invaluable opportunities and high level of attorney Brooklyn Law School turns outprovides as well as the high level attorneys that graduate from there. I’veI have seen it in judges, defense counsels, assistant district attorneys and Brooklyn Law students. I’mI am prepared to join Brooklyn Law school's highly thought of regarded community and become a high level of attorney.
----Working in the Brooklyn district Attorney’s office has allowed me to witness firsthand the level of education and preparedness Brooklyn Law School affords its students. I’veI have witnessed it by working closely with legal interns who participated in the Prosecutors Clinic, directed by Lisa Smith. We at the Domestic Violence bureau deal with a hectic environment, both in court with a high volume of difficult cases and at our office with complainants who have gone through life altering experiences<---this sentence is an abortion, break it up. As a receptionist, I’veI participated in the intake process with both complainant and Brooklyn law school student as a translator a Brooklyn Law student acting as translator for a complainant and have seen saw how prepared those students are in dealing with the complainant and in exercising sound legal judgment. I'm giving up here. Try editing it a bit.As a court part paralegal, I’ve seen those same students dealing with defense attorneys, judges and assistant district attorneys as if though already a licensed attorney. I’ve seen many different interns from many different law schools, but I can honestly say those from Brooklyn were the most well prepared. I not only think highly of the Prosecutors clinic but one day would take pride in participating in it.
----In observing my work environment a great deal of those lawyers and judges I regard highly have been molded by Brooklyn Law school. I’ve seen trials where the assistant district attorney, the judge and defense counsel all went to Brooklyn law school. I’ve taken notice of their high level of legal understanding only to find out later they went to Brooklyn Law school and in deciding to go to law school Brooklyn became my preferred selection.
----Brooklyn Law’s clinical programs, its public interest curriculum, its opportunities to study abroad in particular its international human Rights fellowship are a few but noteworthy reasons I feel Brooklyn Law best serves my particular interest and needs. Brooklyn law has a diverse institution which is evidenced by the lawyers, students and judged I’ve seen who come from different backgrounds yet are well prepared legal practitioners. The opportunity Brooklyn Law offers in relation to its relationships with its surrounding legal facilities such as two large federal courthouses which are nearby in addition to two state courthouses, state court of appeals, and District Attorney's offices are opportunities that comprise all my interests and everything I want to get out of law school.
----I’m seeking admission to Brooklyn law school because it best serves my particular interest and needs.


Also, no I'm-s and I've-s in law school




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