Need sentence correction for 2 sentences please

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
binarycode
Posts: 35
Joined: Tue Nov 30, 2010 8:36 pm

Need sentence correction for 2 sentences please

Postby binarycode » Tue Nov 30, 2010 8:44 pm

Hi everyone. Here are the 2 sentences:

"With all the experience and knowledge that I have gained, I am now confident that I can succeed in a demanding career, as my enthusiasm for environmental law constantly grows. As a science student, I have solid scientific knowledge in many fields and I have excelled in my comparative physiology course which focused on global environmental problems. "

I will appreciate early reply. Thanks!

User avatar
s0ph1e2007
Posts: 1054
Joined: Sat Oct 10, 2009 10:37 pm

Re: Need sentence correction for 2 sentences please

Postby s0ph1e2007 » Tue Nov 30, 2010 8:50 pm

binarycode wrote:Hi everyone. Here are the 2 sentences:

"With all the experience and knowledge that I have gained, I am now confident that I can succeed in a demanding career, as my enthusiasm for environmental law constantly grows. As a science student, I have solid scientific knowledge in many fields and I have excelled in my comparative physiology course which focused on global environmental problems. "

I will appreciate early reply. Thanks!


As my enthusiasm for environmental law continues to grow, my information and experiences in the area of environmental science have grown in kind. Additionally, my experience as an X major at Y has left me confident that I can succeed in a career practicing environmental law.

WayBryson
Posts: 179
Joined: Fri Sep 10, 2010 8:24 pm

Re: Need sentence correction for 2 sentences please

Postby WayBryson » Tue Nov 30, 2010 9:19 pm

s0ph1e2007 wrote:
binarycode wrote:Hi everyone. Here are the 2 sentences:

"With all the experience and knowledge that I have gained, I am now confident that I can succeed in a demanding career, as my enthusiasm for environmental law constantly grows. As a science student, I have solid scientific knowledge in many fields and I have excelled in my comparative physiology course which focused on global environmental problems. "

I will appreciate early reply. Thanks!


As my enthusiasm for environmental law continues to grow, my information and experiences in the area of environmental science have grown in kind. Additionally, my experience as an X major at Y has left me confident that I can succeed in a career practicing environmental law.


This is good. I would change "my information" to "my knowledge" though. If you keep your original then you need a comma after fields because both sides of the conjunction are complete sentences.

binarycode
Posts: 35
Joined: Tue Nov 30, 2010 8:36 pm

Re: Need sentence correction for 2 sentences please

Postby binarycode » Tue Nov 30, 2010 10:06 pm

Thank you s0ph1e2007 for the correction. It sounds more professional now. And thank you WayBryson for confirmation.

I look forward to hearing more suggestions, if any.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Need sentence correction for 2 sentences please

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Nov 30, 2010 11:51 pm

Not sure of your intended meaning without more information regarding your "experience", but consider:

Experience and knowledge gained from studying science and global environmental issues has created confident enthusiasm for pursuing a career in environmental law.

Or:

My confident enthusiasm for pursuing a career in environmental law arose from my study of science involving global environmental issues.

binarycode
Posts: 35
Joined: Tue Nov 30, 2010 8:36 pm

Re: Need sentence correction for 2 sentences please

Postby binarycode » Wed Dec 01, 2010 12:17 am

CanadianWolf wrote:Not sure of your intended meaning without more information regarding your "experience", but consider:

Experience and knowledge gained from studying science and global environmental issues has created confident enthusiasm for pursuing a career in environmental law.

Or:

My confident enthusiasm for pursuing a career in environmental law arose from my study of science involving global environmental issues.


Thanks for the edit. I don't have very much experience (as far as real-world work experience goes) but I have taken a lot of undergrad ecology and physiology courses that relate to environmental law. I have done substantial research about the topic as well. So I think the second version of your edit describes me better.

The "experience" I referred to was regarding the adversity that I had to overcome in order to graduate. However, I have trouble fitting it nicely into my personal statement.




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.