Why Fordham? Is this a good Why X essay?

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Why Fordham? Is this a good Why X essay?

Postby bigkahuna2020 » Tue Nov 30, 2010 2:34 am

I really am at a loss as to what to write for these, but if anyone can take a look, I'd look forward to doing the same for you

My time in China gave me an appreciation for proper legal protections for human and civil rights that serve to give us a vibrant civil society and the need for a fair and equitable system of criminal justice. Fordham University School of Law's impressive faculty, along with great institutions like the Leithner Center for International Law and Justice were major motivations for my application.
While in China, I saw the cumulative effect of a system based more on relentless development than the protection of individual rights; this has motivated me to use my legal education to both learn about and try to make a practical difference in the fields of civil and human rights. The Leithner Center's Committee to Support Chinese Lawyers directly addresses some of underlying issues that led to the symptoms I saw. Its innovative Crowley Program in International Human Rights and Professor Paolo Galizzi's Sustainable Development Legal Initiative are programs whose outreach work are of immense interest to me. The Center's seminars, speaker series and courses will help me expand my educational horizons and real-life experiences.
Behind the law school and its organizations are the great professors. As I wrote earlier, Professor Galizzi's work in sustainable development and the environment in an international context is one. Other professors I am eager to learn from are Professor Chi Mgbako, with her work in international human rights and Professor Deborah W Denno, with her work bringing in medical and social science research. Professor Denno's work is of particular interest to me, as my earlier research combining neuroscience and linguistics gives me experience in straddling disciplines and in scientific and social science fields.
Fordham University School of Law's strengths in international law, including the Leithner Center for International Law and Justice, and the high quality of research and teaching moved me to apply and I look forward to attending in the fall.

Please tear it a new one

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Re: Why Fordham? Is this a good Why X essay?

Postby frost » Sat Dec 04, 2010 10:54 pm

It's Leitner, not Leithner. You turn verbs into nouns a lot and it makes your essay sound more passive than active. In the first paragraph, consider using "helped me appreciate" rather than "gave me an appreciation for," "motivated me" instead of "were major motivations for my application," etc. And I would use a more specific first sentence that really engages the reader.

In general, I would put in more about what you experienced in China. You use a lot of basic descriptions about the relentless legal system there but I really have no idea what you're talking about. Also, instead of naming all of those programs (realistically, you're only going to have time to participate in maybe two programs anyway), I would focus on one or two and go into more detail. The Committee to Support Chinese Lawyers seems to relate well to your experiences - rather than just saying it "addresses some of underlying issues" (typo on your end), what issues are you talking about? How would your being at Fordham further the program?

Lastly, I would erase the last part of your last sentence. I personally think "I look forward to attending in the fall" is pretentious and makes it sound like you're expecting an acceptance.

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Re: Why Fordham? Is this a good Why X essay?

Postby Dato » Sun Dec 05, 2010 5:18 pm

also the neuroscience/linguistics analogy to straddling scientific and social science fields is dubious at best. neuroscience/linguistics are inseparable, specifically in that the latter is quite reliant upon the former. having studied them both i'm sure you know this. i'd cut this part out; it comes across as insincere.

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