First Draft of my new PS, please help?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
screenname123456789
Posts: 16
Joined: Mon Nov 22, 2010 6:17 pm

First Draft of my new PS, please help?

Postby screenname123456789 » Tue Nov 30, 2010 1:08 am

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Last edited by screenname123456789 on Fri Dec 03, 2010 1:19 am, edited 2 times in total.

justadude55
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Joined: Mon Aug 23, 2010 12:23 am

Re: First Draft of my new PS, please help?

Postby justadude55 » Tue Nov 30, 2010 1:15 am

screenname123456789 wrote:Willing to swap with anyone, but any feedback you guys could provide would be great. Thanks everyone! Also be very honest! I can take harsh criticism.


“God hates [HI I'M THE WORD FILTER. THIS PERSON MIGHT BE A DICK.],” read just one of the many homophobic picket signs held by the members of the Westboro Baptist Church (WBC) as they protested what they considered “one of the most ‘gay enabling’ states in the nation.” The WBC is a militant christian group that traverses the United States protesting whatever aspect of society they deem immoral. In response to WBC’s picketing, a group of counter-protestors formed across the street holding signs of their own and chanting refrains of equality. Instead of feeling disgusted by the inhumanity of the WBC across the street, I felt a great sense of encouragement and pride as I looked around at my fellow counter-protestors. I was encouraged by the fact that our numbers more than tripled those of the WBC and how passersby honked and yelled shouts of support for our cause. I felt proud to be out in public doing something for a cause in which I believed, and I was glad I had the voice to do so.

Had someone told me a year prior that I would be out of the closet and lending my voice to speak up for gay rights, I would have been incredulous to say the least. A year earlier, I was an uncertain high school senior who was not comfortable enough even with himself to admit to who he truly was. The opinion’s of others weighed too heavily on my mind. I couldn’t lose my friends, let down my parents, and be judged by strangers by admitting to the world that I was gay. By growing up in an atmosphere where anything displeasing was “so gay” and the idyllic family portrait included a husband and wife, I felt as though if I wanted to be an accepted member of society I needed to fit the heterosexual norm.

When I graduated high school and went off to college at the University of X, I wasn’t full of optimism and hope like I’m sure most of peers were. I wasn’t happy. I felt hollow. I continued to feel this way throughout my first semester at college. I met new people, made new friends, and I did well in all my classes, but I was still unhappy. I finally came to the realization that something in my life needed to change. I already knew what this change was and at this point I was finally ready to accept it.

To my surprise, the hardest part of the coming out process was accepting myself. It took me eighteen years to accept the fact that I was gay. However, my friends and family accepted me the moment I told them. I was met with nothing but kind words of love and encouragement from friends and family alike. Once I admitted to myself and the world who I was, I felt as though I could finally enjoy life again and embrace my future.

As I became more comfortable with being “out,” I become more involved in the gay community on campus. I started hanging out at the University of X's Gay Lesbian Bisexual and Transgender (GLBT) center and meeting individuals who went through similar experiences to my own. Speaking with others in the GLBT community, I started to take an interest in the gay rights movement. It was this interest in gay rights and my involvement with the GLBT center that lead me to the the WBC protest.

At this protest I realized two very important things. I realized how much support the gay community had and how much more support it still needed. I knew that the WBC doesn’t represent the entire nation, but neither did the northeastern liberal communities which I had called home my whole life. There has been much progress made in the gay rights movement, but there is much more still to be done.

Since first attending this protest, I started going to rallies and other events to support the gay community. I saw these events as an opportunity to provide a voice for the gay community. Attending law school and entering the field of law would allow me to have a stronger and more influential voice for gay rights and the gay community. I don’t have over inflated dreams of changing the world, but I do feel as though that my will and determination to work as a lawyer and the pride I take in myself and my community will allow me to play a part in moving toward equal rights for the gay community.

it's very good:

take out the end. it seems a bit cocky. all we know is you picketed at some rallies -- there's a big jump between doing that and playing a part in a major political movement. i'd like some more details. it seems cut and dry and a little predictable to me, but that's probably just me. after the first 3 words though, i predicted what it was going to do, and if i can, adcoms will.. i don't know if this is bad, though.

read the sentence at the end of the 3rd paragraph--big grammatical error.

i'd consider writing a paragraph on how some skill that relates to law school helped in your struggle with homosexuality. accepting you're gay and picketing, though all very nice, don't mean you'll be a successful law student. there are a lot of gay people in this world (but not in iran as stated), but they do not all succeed in law school.

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glitched
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Re: First Draft of my new PS, please help?

Postby glitched » Tue Nov 30, 2010 1:48 am

screenname123456789 wrote: “God hates [HI I'M THE WORD FILTER. THIS PERSON MIGHT BE A DICK.],”


way too offensive to start in my opinion.

screenname123456789
Posts: 16
Joined: Mon Nov 22, 2010 6:17 pm

Re: First Draft of my new PS, please help?

Postby screenname123456789 » Tue Nov 30, 2010 2:08 am

Thanks for the advice justadude, very helpful. I still can't seem to find the grammar mistake though :(....I'll look at it with fresh eyes tomorrow. Thanks again

leeronalda wrote:way too offensive to start in my opinion.
.

Yea, I'm still debating about that. The sign actually said that, and I feel like it makes an impact on the reader. But, I definitely don't want to offend the adcomms.

screenname123456789
Posts: 16
Joined: Mon Nov 22, 2010 6:17 pm

Re: First Draft of my new PS, please help?

Postby screenname123456789 » Tue Nov 30, 2010 8:14 pm

bump




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