Help with one sentence please?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
JJDancer
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Help with one sentence please?

Postby JJDancer » Mon Nov 29, 2010 11:53 pm

My prior experience in advocating for xyz rights made me attune to some of the legal challenges the abc community currently faces.

Is "made me attune" ok?

I changed it to be more declarative. Thanks 2807 and shane. I used "I am attuned to".
Last edited by JJDancer on Tue Nov 30, 2010 3:26 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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2807
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Re: Help with one sentence please?

Postby 2807 » Mon Nov 29, 2010 11:59 pm

Due to my ....... I am attuned.....

Be declarative.

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shanemahsa
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Re: Help with one sentence please?

Postby shanemahsa » Tue Nov 30, 2010 1:31 am

2807 wrote:Due to my ....... I am attuned.....

Be declarative.

+1 "made me attune" makes you sound like the beneficiary of happenstance. You want to sound proactive.

WayBryson
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Re: Help with one sentence please?

Postby WayBryson » Tue Nov 30, 2010 2:22 am

The original seemed cumbersome to me, and I didn't like "attune" in it. Perhaps this?

My experience advocating for xyz rights attuned me to legal challenges facing the abc community.

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2807
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Re: Help with one sentence please?

Postby 2807 » Tue Nov 30, 2010 3:00 pm

WayBryson wrote:The original seemed cumbersome to me, and I didn't like "attune" in it. Perhaps this?

My experience advocating for xyz rights attuned me to legal challenges facing the abc community.


"attuned me" no no no

that sounds like "awared me"

This is not the place to be creative. This is the place to be assertive and declarative.

If you cannot make it work, pick another word.

It is the message, not the prose.

WayBryson
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Re: Help with one sentence please?

Postby WayBryson » Tue Nov 30, 2010 8:12 pm

2807 wrote:
WayBryson wrote:The original seemed cumbersome to me, and I didn't like "attune" in it. Perhaps this?

My experience advocating for xyz rights attuned me to legal challenges facing the abc community.


"attuned me" no no no

that sounds like "awared me"

This is not the place to be creative. This is the place to be assertive and declarative.

If you cannot make it work, pick another word.

It is the message, not the prose.


I have to disagree with this. It is simply wrong. "Attuned me" in no way shape or form sounds like "awared me." You cannot aware something. You can attune something. The verb attune has the meaning of bringing a thing or person into harmony with something else, or similarly to accustom or acclimate them with a thing or situation. This is not a creative (in the sense of new) use of language.

On a related note, a personal statement should be assertive, but that does not mean that every sentence in it should a declarative sentence. There is a misconception out there that good personal statements need to be these crass anthems in which the author appears to be some kind of an existential god bending everything around them to the singular awesomeness of their will. Unless you happen to be Ayn Rand, I wouldn’t recommend this route. Personal statements should give a sense of our character strengths, and the ability to reflect on the forces that shape us is a character strength. Moreover, by including these reflective nods to the forces greater than ourselves, we allow the statements in which we do declare our strengths to stand out.

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shanemahsa
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Re: Help with one sentence please?

Postby shanemahsa » Tue Nov 30, 2010 10:09 pm

WayBryson wrote:
2807 wrote:
WayBryson wrote:The original seemed cumbersome to me, and I didn't like "attune" in it. Perhaps this?

My experience advocating for xyz rights attuned me to legal challenges facing the abc community.


"attuned me" no no no

that sounds like "awared me"

This is not the place to be creative. This is the place to be assertive and declarative.

If you cannot make it work, pick another word.

It is the message, not the prose.


I have to disagree with this. It is simply wrong. "Attuned me" in no way shape or form sounds like "awared me." You cannot aware something. You can attune something. The verb attune has the meaning of bringing a thing or person into harmony with something else, or similarly to accustom or acclimate them with a thing or situation. This is not a creative (in the sense of new) use of language.

On a related note, a personal statement should be assertive, but that does not mean that every sentence in it should a declarative sentence. There is a misconception out there that good personal statements need to be these crass anthems in which the author appears to be some kind of an existential god bending everything around them to the singular awesomeness of their will. Unless you happen to be Ayn Rand, I wouldn’t recommend this route. Personal statements should give a sense of our character strengths, and the ability to reflect on the forces that shape us is a character strength. Moreover, by including these reflective nods to the forces greater than ourselves, we allow the statements in which we do declare our strengths to stand out.


Nice rant! :P

I would normally wholeheartedly agree with you, but in this case 2807 was correcting a sentence, not an entire PS. I agree that syntactic variety is necessary in a well written piece; but when examining an isolated sentence, a declarative tone is superior to a passive voice (in the context of a personal statement). I think that's what 2807 was trying to convey--and I agree with him.

"Attune" is definitely a verb while "aware" is an adjective tho :lol:

WayBryson
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Re: Help with one sentence please?

Postby WayBryson » Tue Nov 30, 2010 10:22 pm

shanemahsa wrote:
WayBryson wrote:
2807 wrote:
WayBryson wrote:The original seemed cumbersome to me, and I didn't like "attune" in it. Perhaps this?

My experience advocating for xyz rights attuned me to legal challenges facing the abc community.


"attuned me" no no no

that sounds like "awared me"

This is not the place to be creative. This is the place to be assertive and declarative.

If you cannot make it work, pick another word.

It is the message, not the prose.


I have to disagree with this. It is simply wrong. "Attuned me" in no way shape or form sounds like "awared me." You cannot aware something. You can attune something. The verb attune has the meaning of bringing a thing or person into harmony with something else, or similarly to accustom or acclimate them with a thing or situation. This is not a creative (in the sense of new) use of language.

On a related note, a personal statement should be assertive, but that does not mean that every sentence in it should a declarative sentence. There is a misconception out there that good personal statements need to be these crass anthems in which the author appears to be some kind of an existential god bending everything around them to the singular awesomeness of their will. Unless you happen to be Ayn Rand, I wouldn’t recommend this route. Personal statements should give a sense of our character strengths, and the ability to reflect on the forces that shape us is a character strength. Moreover, by including these reflective nods to the forces greater than ourselves, we allow the statements in which we do declare our strengths to stand out.


Nice rant! :P

I would normally wholeheartedly agree with you, but in this case 2807 was correcting a sentence, not an entire PS. I agree that syntactic variety is necessary in a well written piece; but when examining an isolated sentence, a declarative tone is superior to a passive voice (in the context of a personal statement). I think that's what 2807 was trying to convey--and I agree with him.

"Attune" is definitely a verb while "aware" is an adjective tho :lol:


Yeah, the second paragraph was not directed at any one post in particular It does seem though that the content of the given sentence is more suited for reflection, and my suggestion was also written in active voice ;-)

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shanemahsa
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Re: Help with one sentence please?

Postby shanemahsa » Tue Nov 30, 2010 10:33 pm

WayBryson wrote:Yeah, the second paragraph was not directed at any one post in particular It does seem though that the content of the given sentence is more suited for reflection, and my suggestion was also written in active voice ;-)


I suppose I should have only quoted your second paragraph (that's what I was responding to).

Though I still stand by my opinion that saying something "attuned you" makes you sound like the beneficiary of happenstance, rather than the catalyst to growth. You might argue that this, in fact, was most likely the case. So I guess what we actually disagree about is whether the sentence is meant to be reflective or should be written as such. I think a more direct approach is more appropriate in this instance.

Edit: Of course this is probably irrelevant since it would really depend on the rest of the PS :lol:

WayBryson
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Re: Help with one sentence please?

Postby WayBryson » Tue Nov 30, 2010 10:40 pm

shanemahsa wrote:
WayBryson wrote:Yeah, the second paragraph was not directed at any one post in particular It does seem though that the content of the given sentence is more suited for reflection, and my suggestion was also written in active voice ;-)


I suppose I should have only quoted your second paragraph (that's what I was responding to).

Though I still stand by my opinion that saying something "attuned you" makes you sound like the beneficiary of happenstance, rather than the catalyst to growth. You might argue that this, in fact, was most likely the case. So I guess what we actually disagree about is whether the sentence is meant to be reflective or should be written as such. I think a more direct approach is more appropriate in this instance.

Edit: Of course this is probably irrelevant since it would really depend on the rest of the PS :lol:


Yep, lol. Either way could work and who knows which is better without the context ;-)




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