2nd draft of personal statement. Any input much appreciated.

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Bearlegdairy
Posts: 121
Joined: Fri Jun 25, 2010 1:51 pm

2nd draft of personal statement. Any input much appreciated.

Postby Bearlegdairy » Mon Nov 29, 2010 11:35 pm

Here's the second draft of my statement. I personall
Last edited by Bearlegdairy on Mon Dec 01, 2014 8:22 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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2807
Posts: 579
Joined: Thu Dec 17, 2009 10:23 pm

Re: 2nd draft of personal statement. Any input much appreciated.

Postby 2807 » Mon Nov 29, 2010 11:53 pm

Your transition from P3 to P4 is in invisible ink/font ? Fix that.

What you want to say is that: when you reached college and applied yourself to an academic approach to study, research, and taking a position you realized that it created a better foundation to stand on, grow from, and refer to.<----Say that.

That message (which is reasonable) is totally lost in your self-depracating vomit stories and anxiety. I would not do that.

Accentuate the positive! You can say the anxiety and nervous stomach stuff in one sentence, and then drive home the good stuff! Trust me, we all get the sad stuff, no need to stretch it out.

Stick with the power of an academic approach to issues and thoughts, the support of diligent research, and the appreciation of varying points of view. Your PS will thank you.

You can do it.

Bearlegdairy
Posts: 121
Joined: Fri Jun 25, 2010 1:51 pm

Re: 2nd draft of personal statement. Any input much appreciated.

Postby Bearlegdairy » Tue Nov 30, 2010 9:47 pm

I edited it to try and accommodate your suggestions. Anything that might be considered a sob story has been condensed into one paragraph. I think. If I would do better to eliminate most of the high school stuff, let me know.




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