First Draft of my PS!

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First Draft of my PS!

Postby Drkish525 » Mon Nov 29, 2010 12:49 pm

Last edited by Drkish525 on Thu Feb 03, 2011 7:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: First Draft of my PS!

Postby wdp » Mon Nov 29, 2010 6:48 pm

This essay is interesting. A few comments-it seems as though you use many "big" words. I read somewhere that you should use proper english, but not try and throw around the entire dictionary just for effect.
I don't really follow the sentence about the ancient stars...where did this happen?
The internship on the Governor's office is impressive, but it kind of seems to come out of nowhere.
I hope this helps...

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Re: First Draft of my PS!

Postby glitched » Tue Nov 30, 2010 2:30 am

Drkish525 wrote: My heart sank deeper into my stomach with each hesitant step on the broken concrete of the small motel that I would now call my home. As I approached the door of room 17, I lingered for a moment and closed my eyes, allowing my mind to flee the present and seek sanctuary in a specific moment of my past. As if through the aperture of a camera, I watched a scene of me and my father in the inky light of a January morning, our hands clasped and our heads raised toward the heavens as we stood in our front yard and watched the northern lights dance among the ancient stars hovering above our house. When I opened my eyes and crossed the threshold of my new home, I felt so far from the safety, comfort, and love that had been leached out by the unexpected challenges that had come between the present and that memory. Although it seemed as if my future was beyond my control, when I look back on that day in the motel I recognize the lasting influence of an experience that has motivated me to seek the highest level of success in my personal and academic endeavors, provided me with the incomparable benefits of a unique perspective, and served as the genesis of my dedication to serve the public. what?

put down the thesaurus please. i aint smart enough to read this. :)

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Re: First Draft of my PS!

Postby Drkish525 » Tue Nov 30, 2010 2:02 pm

Thank you for your input! I changed some of the vocabulary and also shortened it a little to be under 700 words.

I have a question though, is the lack of comments in comparison to the number of views a good sign? Or is that just a false assumption? Again thank you to those who left comments. Very helpful!

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Re: First Draft of my PS!

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Nov 30, 2010 9:03 pm

Different, interesting and likely to get your application remembered. The attention, however, may or may not be favorable. If admissions officers are looking for crisp, clear sentences presented succinctly, then this essay will not help your cause; if, however, readers are seeking memorable creativity and somewhat romanticised insights, then your writing should help. My best guess is that top 14 law schools may not find your writing style as interesting as other schools may.

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