Revised personal statement, please critique

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Bearlegdairy
Posts: 121
Joined: Fri Jun 25, 2010 1:51 pm

Revised personal statement, please critique

Postby Bearlegdairy » Mon Nov 29, 2010 8:20 am

Posting second draft.
Last edited by Bearlegdairy on Mon Nov 29, 2010 11:33 pm, edited 6 times in total.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Personal statement, please critique

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Nov 29, 2010 8:33 am

Consider deleting the introductory sentences concerning your personal hygiene worries (since it is too personal & irrelevant) & consider changing the last sentence of the essay to something that may indicate that you are not ideologically spineless.

Overall your essay works because you present your development in a conceptual manner that does not overburden the reader with insignificant factual details. I really enjoyed reading your work.

Bearlegdairy
Posts: 121
Joined: Fri Jun 25, 2010 1:51 pm

Re: Personal statement, please critique

Postby Bearlegdairy » Mon Nov 29, 2010 9:05 am

I altered the essay to accommodate your suggestions. The hygiene thing is gone and I hope the little thing about not apologizing for my convictions makes me seem like less of a wimp. I also made a few changes to keep it at 700 words for some schools. Let me know if it works better.

There may be a few missing commas or periods. It's late and my eyes are tired. I'll probably catch them, but let me know if there are any grammatical errors. I don't want to sink my application because I accidentally mention "how good I did."

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Personal statement, please critique

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Nov 29, 2010 9:12 am

Consider changing the last phrase from "...irrespective of my personal beliefs" to "...while vigorously advocating for my clients' interests."

Bearlegdairy
Posts: 121
Joined: Fri Jun 25, 2010 1:51 pm

Re: Personal statement, please critique

Postby Bearlegdairy » Mon Nov 29, 2010 9:16 am

Will consider. I'm coming down from my soup high though, so any revisions will have to come when I wake up. Thanks so much for your help!

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Personal statement, please critique

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Nov 29, 2010 9:24 am

As written, your concluding phrase suggests that your personal beliefs would cause you to act in a way that is disrespectful to the profession and to the letter & spirit of the law. This suggested change is not even debatable if you hope to get into law school without insulting the profession & its foundation.

Bearlegdairy
Posts: 121
Joined: Fri Jun 25, 2010 1:51 pm

Re: Personal statement, please critique

Postby Bearlegdairy » Mon Nov 29, 2010 9:31 am

Doesn't "irrespective of" essentially mean "regardless of," meaning that "I hope to conduct myself according to the letter and the spirit of the law and bring dignity to the profession regardless of my personal beliefs." It's been a while since I've written anything close to an academic essay and may be confusing it with another term. Again, I'm exhausted so that's well within the realm of possibility. If that's the case then I will most certainly change it. Come to think of it, irrespective sounds a little douchey in the first place. I think I'll go with regardless. Unless I replace it with your earlier suggestion, which is very possible. Again, I'm exhausted. In any case, thanks again.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Personal statement, please critique

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Nov 29, 2010 10:39 am

You are missing the point: Regardless (or irrespective) of your personal beliefs that would prompt you to do otherwise. In other words, your final phrase suggests that your personal beliefs would cause you to disrespect the letter & the spirit of the law, as well as to bring disrepute to the profession.

Bearlegdairy
Posts: 121
Joined: Fri Jun 25, 2010 1:51 pm

Re: Personal statement, please critique

Postby Bearlegdairy » Mon Nov 29, 2010 12:18 pm

Disregard the last couple posts. I ended up getting rid of the point of contention entirely.




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