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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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aesis
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Postby aesis » Sun Nov 28, 2010 10:37 pm

Starting a new thread.
Last edited by aesis on Tue Nov 30, 2010 8:05 pm, edited 6 times in total.

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Remnantofisrael
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Re: Need Critique ASAP -- DS!

Postby Remnantofisrael » Sun Nov 28, 2010 11:10 pm

This is a first draft right? Not trying to be a jerk, its just I can't even get past the first few sentences. I would say you could combine the entire first paragraph into a couple sentences without losing any meaning. Try not to use "I" so much. I know its about you, but that styling makes it hard to read and sound less intelligent. That quote start is unnecessary and jarring. Don't start a sentence with "but". Don't start a paragraph with "but". Don't use hyphens in the way you are using them. Don't italicize "american".

Love the last sentence. Hell, I'd start with it.

JJDancer
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Re: Need Critique ASAP -- DS!

Postby JJDancer » Sun Nov 28, 2010 11:25 pm

I disagree with Remnant. I don't think starting with the quote or starting a sentence with "but" is an issue.
I think it is pretty good. The details are a nice touch but not overwhelming. They always add to some understanding of your experience. You also don't come off as resenting your parents for not teaching you Tagalog (which could have been an issue).

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aesis
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Re: Need Critique ASAP -- DS!

Postby aesis » Sun Nov 28, 2010 11:46 pm

Thank you both for your comments! I'm willing to gamble starting sentences with "but" and even paragraphs on occasion. Remnant and I have obvious stylistic differences. Appreciate it nonetheless. Italics were for emphasis or words in Tagalog... but maybe I should take out the italics used for emphasis?

WayBryson
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Re: Need Critique ASAP -- DS!

Postby WayBryson » Sun Nov 28, 2010 11:58 pm

I would keep the italics, but I would drop the "a" before American. If you are going for emphasis, then it seems a tad stronger that way to me. I do think you could condense this down a bit, and I am not sure it will add a whole lot to your application. It does a nice job of explaining how you self identify and also why you do so. Depending on your personal statement, this might already be covered though. Anyway, those are my thoughts after a quick read. Beginning sentences (and paragraphs by extension) with conjunctions is perfectly acceptable. Also, I didn't find the use of the first person distracting or vane.

JJDancer
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Re: Need Critique ASAP -- DS!

Postby JJDancer » Mon Nov 29, 2010 12:55 am

I do think the italics are unnecessary. They understand the emphasis you are placing without them. Without a paragraph at the end specifically showing how youve used your comprehensive identity to benefit something or how it adds to diversity, it doesn't add too much to the app.

ht2988
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Re: Need Critique ASAP -- DS!

Postby ht2988 » Mon Nov 29, 2010 2:39 am

This is great... I'm Pakistani, and get so frustrated with the lumping of all of us into ASIAN. Well done and all the best in your cycle!

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Remnantofisrael
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Re: Need Critique ASAP -- DS!

Postby Remnantofisrael » Mon Nov 29, 2010 10:56 am

Do what you want. It won't earn any points, and there are plenty of people who think it shows sloppy writing skills, but do what you want. Would you start a sentence with the word "and"?

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aesis
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Re: Need Critique ASAP -- DS!

Postby aesis » Mon Nov 29, 2010 12:56 pm

Remnantofisrael wrote:Do what you want. It won't earn any points, and there are plenty of people who think it shows sloppy writing skills, but do what you want. Would you start a sentence with the word "and"?

Yep.

Sorry, don't mean to be glib. I understand what you're saying, but I prefer the "But" and the hypens and the quotes. I'm not going to sacrifice my voice for someone else's stylistic preferences.

One last question on this:
Does it need something at the end on how it will contribute to diversity or does it speak for itself? I'm assuming that an adcomm would understand how this contributes to diversity since Filipinos are more of a minority in law schools than they are in undergraduate institutions.

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Remnantofisrael
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Re: Need Critique ASAP -- DS!

Postby Remnantofisrael » Mon Nov 29, 2010 2:48 pm

don't worry about being glib towards me. I like direct disagreement - nothing gets done without it.

I'm not going to sacrifice my voice for someone else's stylistic preferences.


Enjoy that for now. Law school will be interesting for you.

JJDancer
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Re: Need Critique ASAP -- DS!

Postby JJDancer » Mon Nov 29, 2010 6:53 pm

Remnantofisrael wrote:don't worry about being glib towards me. I like direct disagreement - nothing gets done without it.

I'm not going to sacrifice my voice for someone else's stylistic preferences.


Enjoy that for now. Law school will be interesting for you.

Law school is one thing. A personal statement is another.

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aesis
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Re: Revised DS -- submittable after your revisions?

Postby aesis » Tue Nov 30, 2010 4:46 pm

Bump with the new twist in OP.




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