Revised PS, Please Help

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screenname123456789
Posts: 16
Joined: Mon Nov 22, 2010 6:17 pm

Revised PS, Please Help

Postby screenname123456789 » Sun Nov 28, 2010 11:22 am

I just did some big revisions to my PS and am looking for some feedback. I've been told I need to shorten it. So any advice on what could be shortened or removed would be helpful. Also I know I won't be able to write and amazing PS, so I'm not particularly looking for a PS that will significantly help my chances just one that won't hurt my chances at acceptance and scholarships.

Also, no sugar coating. I can handle harsh criticism. Also if anyone wants to swap just PM me. I'll be glad to read your PS or DS. Thanks.


It was nearing mid term exams, and this meant two things to a tutor at The University of X’s tutoring Center: exceedingly stressed out students and and an unusually high proportion of unprepared students praying for a miracle that only last minute tutoring could provide. As I arrived for my shift, a glance around the mathematics tutoring room informed me that there was a classroom full about of about thirty students waiting to be helped and just one tutor to provide that help: me.

I was new to tutoring, this being only my second semester on the job, and I had never been left on my own with so many students. I apprehensively entered the room and asked the group as a whole what subject brought them to the tutoring center. To this, the group responded, “Calc one...Pre-calc...Math 107...Calc two...Math 108.” I instantly felt as though I was going to be in over my head. On a night this busy at least three tutors would have normally been scheduled, but I took a deep breath and figured I would do the best that I could.

The next two hours flew by in a whirl of formulas, questions, and equations. Every time I looked up from helping one group of students there seemed to be several more waiting with varying degrees of patience to have their own questions answered. I did my best to assist everyone with their questions and ease their concerns about their looming midterms. As my shift ended and the students and I departed, I could not help but feel anxious. Had I truly helped them? Did they really understand? Will they pass their exams? It was the only aspect of tutoring that discouraged me: the lack of follow up. I could never really see the results of the work I put in at the tutoring center.

These were the questions I always asked myself after leaving each shift at the tutoring center and the ones I had floating aground in my mind as I made my way back to my dorm on the other end of campus. I was so wrapped up in my thoughts that I barely noticed the person three feet away from me waving and calling my name. He was a regular at the tutoring center last semester, an engineering major that worked so hard you could not help but root for him. I asked him how he was doing. I was caught slightly off guard when he responded, “Good, but I just wanted to stop and let you know how much you helped me last semester. I would have probably had to change major without your help. So, I just wanted to say thanks.” I told him how glad I was to hear it and that it meant a great deal to me. I wished him luck and we went our separate ways.

The uncertainty I had felt regarding how effectively I tutored started to dissolve in that moment. I realized that I was a good tutor, and I had been making an impact on the students I assisted. I began to walk into each of my shifts more confidently. This confidence comforted me in situations where I had normally been nervous or anxious. The nerves I had speaking in front of large groups of students began to dissipate until I could talk to large groups with ease. I progressively got better at handling a large number of students with less and less stress. I could tell that this confidence made me a better tutor as well. Other students told me how much I helped them and even my boss pulled me aside to let me know how well I had been doing and that the students had nothing but good things to say about me on my evaluation cards.

I now carry the confidence I have gained around with me in every aspect of my life. I find that there is no better way to succeed than in having confidence in one’s own abilities. I take this mentality into my academics, work, and social life. Faith in one’s own abilities is necessary for a lawyer to succeed. This confidence combined with my desire to be challenged and impact others lives, is what drives me towards working as lawyer.

Tutoring did not only provide me with the confidence necessary to work as a lawyer, but with other skills necessary to be an effective lawyer as well. I gained the ability to present difficult concepts and information to both large groups and in one-on-one encounters, and I also learned to manage time and cope with stressful situations. So it is these skills that my undergraduate experiences have provided me with that I hope will allow me to successfully transition into law school and lay the groundwork for successful experiences in the field of law.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Revised PS, Please Help

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Nov 28, 2010 11:31 am

Poorly written. Consider seeking the help of your university's writing center. Concentrate on writing crisp, clear sentences in a concise manner. Avoid unnecessary repetition.
The last paragraph contains relevant material presented in a weak writing style.
Overall this essay is a bit painful to read. Consider consolidating it into three short paragraphs.




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