First Draft. Desperately want some feedback!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
VtecLOL
Posts: 3
Joined: Sun Nov 28, 2010 12:24 am

First Draft. Desperately want some feedback!

Postby VtecLOL » Sun Nov 28, 2010 12:47 am

Here's my first draft of my ps. Any feedback or critiques I could get would be really appreciated. I'm worried I don't end strong enough, but let me know what you guys think. Also I'm fairly confident that there are grammatical errors in this, but it reads the way I want it to so I don't know if I should change them. Any thoughts?
Last edited by VtecLOL on Sun Nov 28, 2010 7:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

ht2988
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Re: First Draft. Desperately want some feedback!

Postby ht2988 » Sun Nov 28, 2010 1:30 am

This is great. I appreciate the consistency in your use of motifs and metaphors, but the superhero thing may read as sexist and pompous. Get rid of the "fat" in fat man. I think this could use a touch of humility. But in all, this is great. My feet were hurting by the end of it!

Saltqjibo
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Joined: Fri Apr 02, 2010 6:47 pm

Re: First Draft. Desperately want some feedback!

Postby Saltqjibo » Sun Nov 28, 2010 3:48 am

I actually think this isn't very good, but to each their own. To me it is unnecesarily vague, and lacking the polish to pull off its attempts at profundity. I dont want to be a dick, and I clearly have a different opinion than the previous poster - so take it for what its worth.

Definitely cut out the fat man, and Im still not sure what actually happened to tim.


The on bit of practical advice i will five you is to stay consistent with your tenses, and dont drop neccesary connecting words unless are sure you can. i.e " it BEGAN amidst yells and shouts and ENDED hours later. I was tired, wheezing, my sides aching with exhaustion"

overall, you also come off derisive of your fellow competitors, which i dont think is good.

Sorry i cant offer better advice, best of luck!

Saltqjibo
Posts: 271
Joined: Fri Apr 02, 2010 6:47 pm

Re: First Draft. Desperately want some feedback!

Postby Saltqjibo » Sun Nov 28, 2010 3:50 am

Also just saw it was a first draft. So, overall i think you are on the right track, but it needs tightening.

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ShuckingNotJiving
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Re: First Draft. Desperately want some feedback!

Postby ShuckingNotJiving » Sun Nov 28, 2010 10:02 am

this is a gripping story, that is nicely rendered. however in terms of it being a statement for law school, i might say the connection to law needs to made earlier or not at all. if you're going to plop it in a sentence in the end, then you should speak to it earlier, to make that connection.

there are some cliches that i would get rid of -- "the wind cut like a knife" being one of them, but certainly not the only.

i agree with the above posters who say to take out "fat" man. the description adds nothing to the essay, and emphasizes the somewhat overly-judgmental personality that's coming through.

vary up your sentence length. you're not hemingway.

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snowpeach06
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Re: First Draft. Desperately want some feedback!

Postby snowpeach06 » Sun Nov 28, 2010 10:31 am

I would do the connection to law school a bit earlier. I was reading thinking "ok, well written, but irrelevant." If you add it into the second paragraph instead of the third, perhaps even cut out some of the "ohh my god, i'm struggling... i'm still struggling... wait... still struggling" you can add in more about why that struggle is important.

CanadianWolf
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Re: First Draft. Desperately want some feedback!

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Nov 28, 2010 10:39 am

Creative. A very enjoyable read.

VtecLOL
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Joined: Sun Nov 28, 2010 12:24 am

Re: First Draft. Desperately want some feedback!

Postby VtecLOL » Sun Nov 28, 2010 10:49 am

Thanks for the feedback everyone! I'm going to work on it and fix a few of the things you guys mentioned, especially attempting to connect it more with why I want to study law. Hopefully I'll have it up soon.

CanadianWolf
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Re: First Draft. Desperately want some feedback!

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Nov 28, 2010 10:58 am

The "why I want to study law" portions of personal statements are not always necessary & may not be effective at helping one's law school applications unless compelling.




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