PS critique. early draft but dont be kind...unless you want

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
lolol10
Posts: 181
Joined: Sat Oct 09, 2010 2:39 pm

PS critique. early draft but dont be kind...unless you want

Postby lolol10 » Fri Nov 26, 2010 12:58 pm

i kinda shat this out earlier today to give to a prof for a general idea of where i am coming from so he can write a lor. what do you think? i know its not that good so rip away. am in headed in the right direction is what i really want to know AND if any of this is salvageable.

I remember when I first saw them—the Bosnian Refugees. We were playing Fussball in the Spieplatz, or playground, at the edge of our town Himbach, Germany. It was the summer of 1996. It seemed as though overnight they had suddenly populated the tenet building in the southeast corner of our neighborhood. I was 9 years old, lean and tall for my age, an American in a strange land. I was a sore fit with German kids in our town though we got along alright communicating through a broken language consisting of a mixture of German and English. That morning we were talking about the new neighbors when we noticed a group of them pacing the fenced gate of the Spielplatz, talking amongst themselves. One opened the gate and started walking towards us. Approaching us he said “Adi” striking his chest with an open palm. Turning to face the other side of the street he pointed to his cohort waiting on the curb, he combed the crowd then made a kicking motion and pointed back at us, asking if they could play with us.
As the weeks passed I got to know Adi and his past. His father had died two years prior in “the war”--the Bosnian Conflict. He had come to Germany with his Mother and Uncle through the U.S.’s stabilization and reconciliation process—a process I knew in vague detail due to my father being deployed there to facilitate the endeavor. At the time I was unaware of the gravity of circumstances that had brought Adi and his family members to our small town, however, our meeting would remain a memorable happening. For me, the sufferings of Adi and his family gave a face to the far-reaching impact of international crime. My childhood friendship with him sparked my interest in international politics—a topic that I have continued to pursue and has become the impetus behind my long-term goals.
Growing up as a military dependent of a J.A.G officer in the Army I have experienced many cultures, both domestic and foreign. For me, the world was not confined to the red, white, and blue panoply of the Continental U.S.. No, it was not portrayed on a television screen or in a book from the comfort and safety of a living room in Midwestern America where I would end up some 14 years later. My world was uncivil, unbridled, and raw. I saw militaristic, political, religious, and social conflict in the faces of people I passed along the way, instilling in me at an early age a sense of compassion, worldliness, and justice. Being on front of some of the preeminent political issues of our time has greatly affected my outlook and course of action in life.
Education, justice, and integrity were among the core values of my upbringing in a Catholic, military family. Being introduced into the legal culture at a young age as the son of a lawyer, I have always been fascinated by the institution of law and how in its very vitality, judges and lawyers interpret, create, and mold it to shape the community it governs. In effect, laying groundwork for how citizens will live their lives. Growing up within a global context constantly reaffirmed my worldview. Seeing the tangible manifestations of law in communities around the world such as the aftermath of the Bosnian Conflict in 1994 when I lived in Germany galvanized my interest in being apart of the solution to codify, bolster and create law on the municipal and global scale.
During my formative years I was unaware of the gravity of some of these egregious violations of international law and more significantly the dignity of humanity that was at stake. Well into later half of my undergraduate career when I transferred to University X, I was exposed more intimately to contemporary dialogue and issues surrounding the current state and development of international law—especially, concerning human rights. I have become fascinated in this tenuous set of rules and regulations that govern the world we live in. While international law exists and is enforced in some respects, it is its shortcomings and failings that are most devastating and profound. Struck with a sense of purpose, I became fascinated by the prospect of contributing to the body of international jurisprudence; to work towards encoding, enacting, and enforcing common principles of human dignity and justice—to be a part of the solution.
I am a firm believer that, armed with knowledge and sense of purpose, meaningful change can be affected. Through my involvement in human rights groups such as Amnesty International and University X human rights clubs I have engaged my experience as an undergraduate in my attempts to further the dialogue on human rights. Continuing my education by pursuing a Juris Doctorate focusing on international law, I aspire to advance the legal infrastructures that govern the world and, by virtue, all of humanity.

lolol10
Posts: 181
Joined: Sat Oct 09, 2010 2:39 pm

Re: PS critique. early draft but dont be kind...unless you want

Postby lolol10 » Fri Nov 26, 2010 1:31 pm

bump

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2807
Posts: 579
Joined: Thu Dec 17, 2009 10:23 pm

Re: PS critique. early draft but dont be kind...unless you want

Postby 2807 » Fri Nov 26, 2010 1:53 pm

Overall it is good. You come on stronger at the end with refections on you and your lessons learned from it all.

The very very end is questionable. Saving humanity is just too big. Maybe spin that with "one family/person at a time" or something that indicates you are aware of the limits and reality.

I was uncomfortable reading it at all as you say you did not really try in writing it. I felt like I would respond accordingly.

How about you go write the absolute best two-page rendition you can and then come back. You can do it, this is really a well written piece already.

lolol10
Posts: 181
Joined: Sat Oct 09, 2010 2:39 pm

Re: PS critique. early draft but dont be kind...unless you want

Postby lolol10 » Sat Nov 27, 2010 3:56 pm

thanks for your insight. ill rewrite.




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