Comments on my intro.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Drkish525
Posts: 6
Joined: Thu Jul 01, 2010 11:59 pm

Comments on my intro.

Postby Drkish525 » Thu Nov 25, 2010 4:15 pm

Hello. So, I'm trying to write my first draft of my personal statement and I'm inevitably worried that I'm way off base. I would greatly appreciate any comments or critiques as I write the rest of the statement. Thanks!
Last edited by Drkish525 on Thu Feb 03, 2011 7:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

atkpl
Posts: 62
Joined: Fri Oct 01, 2010 11:42 pm

Re: Comments on my intro.

Postby atkpl » Thu Nov 25, 2010 6:01 pm

it makes me wanna read the next part.

so I guess it's good!

OliveM
Posts: 5
Joined: Sat Nov 20, 2010 11:18 pm

Re: Comments on my intro.

Postby OliveM » Thu Nov 25, 2010 6:29 pm

It makes me want to read the rest, too. Most of the sentences were way too lengthy and descriptive though. I felt like I had to re-read a few because by the time I got to the end it was almost like I couldn't remember how the sentence started. I think you should be more simple and concise. I really liked how you used "room 17" to describe your new home. I didn't really like how you used "the heavens" to describe the sky. It seems too fantastical to be in a law school essay. It definitely has potential.

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rbahdi
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon Sep 06, 2010 7:19 pm

Re: Comments on my intro.

Postby rbahdi » Thu Nov 25, 2010 9:02 pm

OliveM wrote:It makes me want to read the rest, too. Most of the sentences were way too lengthy and descriptive though. I felt like I had to re-read a few because by the time I got to the end it was almost like I couldn't remember how the sentence started. I think you should be more simple and concise. I really liked how you used "room 17" to describe your new home. I didn't really like how you used "the heavens" to describe the sky. It seems too fantastical to be in a law school essay. It definitely has potential.


I really like this intro. I have to respectfully disagree with Olive. I don't think that the sentences are too lengthy or descriptive. IMO I think that the length of your sentences works with your content. Most of the paragraph is about your internal thoughts and is a stream of consciousness-like narrative. As we all know our thoughts aren't always simple and concise. But I do agree that sometimes your choice of words comes across as a bit awkward. For example, when I read "genesis of my dedication to serve the public" it suggested to me a self-importance that belied the argument you were trying to make about public service.

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DukeCornell
Posts: 279
Joined: Thu May 21, 2009 3:19 am

Re: Comments on my intro.

Postby DukeCornell » Thu Nov 25, 2010 10:13 pm

rbahdi wrote:
OliveM wrote:It makes me want to read the rest, too. Most of the sentences were way too lengthy and descriptive though. I felt like I had to re-read a few because by the time I got to the end it was almost like I couldn't remember how the sentence started. I think you should be more simple and concise. I really liked how you used "room 17" to describe your new home. I didn't really like how you used "the heavens" to describe the sky. It seems too fantastical to be in a law school essay. It definitely has potential.


I really like this intro. I have to respectfully disagree with Olive. I don't think that the sentences are too lengthy or descriptive. IMO I think that the length of your sentences works with your content. Most of the paragraph is about your internal thoughts and is a stream of consciousness-like narrative. As we all know our thoughts aren't always simple and concise. But I do agree that sometimes your choice of words comes across as a bit awkward. For example, when I read "genesis of my dedication to serve the public" it suggested to me a self-importance that belied the argument you were trying to make about public service.


+1




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