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yngblkgifted wrote:As a child, I had a friend named Michael. Michael was a nice kid. But However, simply because he wore a hearing aid and had a learning disability, he was often the target of ridicule from the “normal” kids in my neighborhood. Even Without being able to verbalize it back then, I did not like the idea of cliques. Therefore,I played with many different kids in the neighborhood, some of whom were being mean to Michael. Eventually I gave created an ultimatum with a few of my close friends an ultimatum:. Either they would started being nicer to Michael, or I would no longer play with them. My mini-protest succeeded was successful, and we went on with our eight-year-old lives. back to our blissful lives of being eight year old boys. [doubt you stopped being 8 during that situation.]

Like Michael, there were times when I sometimes felt like a social outcast. Growing up in semi-rural [what does this mean? are there not enough un-prefixed land descriptors to suit your needs?] Pennsylvania I was the only Black black child in my school, but at times it felt like the entire world was White white. For awhile a while, I could stay relatively blind to the social consequences of race. As I got older and started to understand how race affected me, my perception of my social environment changed. By age eight, I had learned that, unlike the rest my classmates, I could not trace my ancestry back to a particular country for heritage week. Also, aAt home and in school, I learned about was educated on positive and negative aspects of things like the civil rights movement and slavery. When I not only learned what n**** [why not say "the N-word"? that'd be a little smoother, I think.] meant but also experienced a classmate call me that repeatedly at recess, I was confused, embarrassed and hurt. In a few short years, I realized that my brown skin did not just mean that I could tan better than most of my classmates. [<- kind of lame.] It had real social consequences that could potentially change the way others perceived me.

In retrospect,I doubt it was a coincidence that around the same time I decided to defend Michael, was when I myself felt like somewhat [just personal preference, but "something" sounds a little more idiomatic.] of an outcast. Being confronted with my own differences, forced me to evaluate my own thoughts about discriminatory behaviors. At a young age, I realized that I did not want anyone to feel socially isolated because of their race, gender, disabilities, creed or religion. I began to cultivate developed a passion for tolerance which that has extended itself into my current academic, personal and professional life. ( TLS readers: examples are in my resume/ letters of recommendations) If it were not for my growing up in an environment where I was seen as different, I do not know if I would be as mindful to how discrimination, whether overt or covert, can be harmful to the human experience. [<- awkward. I'd cut the whole sentence.]

It has been over a decade since I stood up for Michael, but the values of that eight-year-old [did you mean "my eight-year-old self"?] are still ingrained in me. I hope to bring these same values of fairness and respect to Xxxxx School of law Law and to my eventual law career. I do not believe diversity should be a goal or a statement; it should be a way of life. Only then will we be able to get past the superficial differences and understand that people are people. [couple of things here. first, you appear to be conflating tolerance and diversity. those are two separate concepts. if you want to discuss both, tie them together explicitly. second, your conclusion is too broad. I wouldn't imply that society will only understand that "people are people" if you're admitted to this law school. (assuming I follow your chain of logic: I'm tolerant -> other people should be tolerant -> I tell people to be tolerant -> ? -> diversity is good and should be a way of life -> law school X should be diverse -> given more diversity, people forget their differences and view other people as people.) I'm not sure this is as effective as it could be. why not make the conclusion more personal so that it follows the rest of the essay?]

rbahdi wrote:I'll be very honest. I like that you speak to how your race has shaped your personal development but the essay seems broad and generic. It may help to be more descriptive when talking about, for example, the time a classmate called you a n*****. As it stands now,this essay could have been written by any black applicant. Hope
that helps.

Kaitlyn wrote:

rbahdi wrote:I'll be very honest. I like that you speak to how your race has shaped your personal development but the essay seems broad and generic. It may help to be more descriptive when talking about, for example, the time a classmate called you a n*****. As it stands now,this essay could have been written by any black applicant. Hope
that helps.

+1

I see my own (and every other middle-class Black-American person I know's) development trajectory spelled out, but came away from it feeling like I gained no genuine insight into who you are. I agree with the above commenter that maybe honing in on specific experiences you've had might strengthen the essay. As it is now, I would not send it in tonight.

yngblkgifted wrote:

Kaitlyn wrote:

rbahdi wrote:I'll be very honest. I like that you speak to how your race has shaped your personal development but the essay seems broad and generic. It may help to be more descriptive when talking about, for example, the time a classmate called you a n*****. As it stands now,this essay could have been written by any black applicant. Hope
that helps.

+1

I see my own (and every other middle-class Black-American person I know's) development trajectory spelled out, but came away from it feeling like I gained no genuine insight into who you are. I agree with the above commenter that maybe honing in on specific experiences you've had might strengthen the essay. As it is now, I would not send it in tonight.

Well unfortunately this "trajectory" is my experience. I've come to terms with that. I can't change my experience or how I developed as a black kid growing up in an all white neighborhood. That component will stay in my statement. However, I appreciate your critique.

What I can change is how personal the story is and I will work on that. I had more descriptive things at first but I thought that a DS was supposed to only be a page. Was my assumption wrong?