Please read it... trying to get this ish in tonite!

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yngblkgifted
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Please read it... trying to get this ish in tonite!

Postby yngblkgifted » Wed Nov 24, 2010 7:53 pm

My DS. Please give feed back. Any major grammar errors and/or weirdly worded sentences? Bad word choices?


As a child, I had a friend named Michael. Michael was a nice kid. However, simply because he wore a hearing aid and had a learning disability, he was often the target of ridicule from the “normal” kids in my neighborhood. Without being able to verbalize it back then, I did not like the idea cliques. Therefore, I played with many different kids in the neighborhood, some of whom were being mean to Michael. Eventually I created an ultimatum with a few of my close friends. Either they started being nicer to Michael or I would no longer play with them. My mini-protest was successful, and we went back to our blissful lives of being eight year old boys.

Like Michael, there were times when I felt like a social outcast. Growing up in semi-rural Pennsylvania I was the only Black child in my school, but at times it felt like the entire world was White. For awhile, I could stay relatively blind to the social consequences of race. As I got older and started to understand how race affected me, my perception of my social environment changed. By age eight, I had learned that, unlike the rest my classmates, I could not trace my ancestry back to a particular country for heritage week. Also, at home and in school I was educated on positive and negative aspects of things like the civil rights movement and slavery. When I not only learned what n**** meant but experienced a classmate call me that repeatedly at recess, I was confused, embarrassed and hurt. In a few short years, I realized that my brown skin did not just mean that I could tan better than most of my classmates. It had real social consequences that could potentially change the way others perceived me.

In retrospect, I doubt it was a coincidence that around the same time I decided to defend Michael was when I felt like somewhat of an outcast. Being confronted with my own differences, forced me to evaluate my own thoughts about discriminatory behaviors. At a young age, I realized that I did not want anyone to feel socially isolated because of their race, gender, disabilities, creed or religion. I began to cultivate passion for tolerance which has extended itself into my current academic, personal and professional life. ( TLS readers: examples are in my resume/ letters of recommendations) If it were not for my growing up in an environment where I was seen as different, I do not know if I would be as mindful to how discrimination, whether overt or covert, can be harmful to the human experience.

It has been over a decade since I stood up for Michael, but the values of that eight year old are still ingrained in me. I hope to bring these same values of fairness and respect to Xxxxx School of law and to my eventual law career. I do not believe diversity should be a goal or a statement; it should be a way of life. Only then will we be able to get past the superficial differences and understand that people are people.





Edit: I did use the "n-word" in the real essay..but TLS blocked it and I believe rightly so. However, it is essential for my essay.
Last edited by yngblkgifted on Thu Nov 25, 2010 12:08 am, edited 2 times in total.

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yngblkgifted
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Re: Please read it... trying to get this ish in tonite!

Postby yngblkgifted » Wed Nov 24, 2010 9:35 pm

bump....anyone? please......

7StringIbanez
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Re: Please read it... trying to get this ish in tonite!

Postby 7StringIbanez » Wed Nov 24, 2010 10:45 pm

If I were editing this, I would make these changes:

I would make the first sentence hook the reader's attention more than the first currently does. The reader should already be interested to know more from the first sentence - doing this will help your reader become more active in their reading. In this case you might begin by mentioning that he was a nice kid, your friend, and that he was ridiculed. However by omitting why he was ridiculed in the first sentence, the reader might become interested to keep reading and find out.

I think there's an error in this sentence: “Without being able to verbalize it back then, I did not like the idea cliques.” I assume you meant “I did not like the idea [of] cliques.”

As far as I know skin color is not something you capitalize, so “Black” and “White” ought to be "black" and "white."

“For awhile” should be “For a while.” (not sure about that, though)

Your joke in the second to last sentence of the second paragraph might be funny to some people, but some people might not find it funny. You might simply say that you realized it's not just a matter of pigment, but a difference with real social consequences...etc.

“Being confronted with my own differences, forced me to evaluate my own thoughts about discriminatory behaviors.” I would remove the comma in that sentence.

“At a young age, I realized that I did not want anyone to feel socially isolated because of their race, gender, disabilities, creed or religion. I began to cultivate passion for tolerance which has extended itself into my current academic, personal and professional life.” I would remove that first comma. I think some people (myself included) type some things the way they would say them, and it seems like you're putting commas in places where you might pause if you were saying the sentence aloud. It's often easier to read if only the necessary commas are left; if the sentence makes sense without the comma then I remove it.

“If it were not for my growing up in an environment where I was seen as different...” I would rephrase this to be simpler, something like “If I had not grown up in an environment...” If I can express the same idea in shorter way without losing meaning, I will.

I would refrain from name-dropping the school that will receive this statement unless you can say something about that particular school that attracts you. If you mention something specific, perhaps the school has many legal clinics and you value the opportunity for that kind of experience, the person reading will know you have taken the time to learn about their school and have made an informed decision.

In general I think it is written decently well, but my guess is that you would be better off making it longer. As it stands it's a little over one page double-spaced. Most schools give you two pages and my belief is that you should take advantage of every line of space as an opportunity to say more about yourself and differentiate yourself. It is always a good idea to be very specific with the examples you use to back up your statements. For instance you might choose to elaborate on the experience you had when another child repeatedly called you a racial slur. If you show the reader what happened by describing it well, they will better understand and empathize.

I hope my advice has been helpful.

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Tanicius
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Re: Please read it... trying to get this ish in tonite!

Postby Tanicius » Wed Nov 24, 2010 11:03 pm

First paragraph need not involve this guy called Michael.

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philosoraptor
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Re: Please read it... trying to get this ish in tonite!

Postby philosoraptor » Wed Nov 24, 2010 11:17 pm

yngblkgifted wrote:As a child, I had a friend named Michael. Michael was a nice kid. But However, simply because he wore a hearing aid and had a learning disability, he was often the target of ridicule from the “normal” kids in my neighborhood. Even Without being able to verbalize it back then, I did not like the idea of cliques. Therefore,I played with many different kids in the neighborhood, some of whom were being mean to Michael. Eventually I gave created an ultimatum with a few of my close friends an ultimatum:. Either they would started being nicer to Michael, or I would no longer play with them. My mini-protest succeeded was successful, and we went on with our eight-year-old lives. back to our blissful lives of being eight year old boys. [doubt you stopped being 8 during that situation.]

Like Michael, there were times when I sometimes felt like a social outcast. Growing up in semi-rural [what does this mean? are there not enough un-prefixed land descriptors to suit your needs?] Pennsylvania I was the only Black black child in my school, but at times it felt like the entire world was White white. For awhile a while, I could stay relatively blind to the social consequences of race. As I got older and started to understand how race affected me, my perception of my social environment changed. By age eight, I had learned that, unlike the rest my classmates, I could not trace my ancestry back to a particular country for heritage week. Also, aAt home and in school, I learned about was educated on positive and negative aspects of things like the civil rights movement and slavery. When I not only learned what n**** [why not say "the N-word"? that'd be a little smoother, I think.] meant but also experienced a classmate call me that repeatedly at recess, I was confused, embarrassed and hurt. In a few short years, I realized that my brown skin did not just mean that I could tan better than most of my classmates. [<- kind of lame.] It had real social consequences that could potentially change the way others perceived me.

In retrospect,I doubt it was a coincidence that around the same time I decided to defend Michael, was when I myself felt like somewhat [just personal preference, but "something" sounds a little more idiomatic.] of an outcast. Being confronted with my own differences, forced me to evaluate my own thoughts about discriminatory behaviors. At a young age, I realized that I did not want anyone to feel socially isolated because of their race, gender, disabilities, creed or religion. I began to cultivate developed a passion for tolerance which that has extended itself into my current academic, personal and professional life. ( TLS readers: examples are in my resume/ letters of recommendations) If it were not for my growing up in an environment where I was seen as different, I do not know if I would be as mindful to how discrimination, whether overt or covert, can be harmful to the human experience. [<- awkward. I'd cut the whole sentence.]

It has been over a decade since I stood up for Michael, but the values of that eight-year-old [did you mean "my eight-year-old self"?] are still ingrained in me. I hope to bring these same values of fairness and respect to Xxxxx School of law Law and to my eventual law career. I do not believe diversity should be a goal or a statement; it should be a way of life. Only then will we be able to get past the superficial differences and understand that people are people. [couple of things here. first, you appear to be conflating tolerance and diversity. those are two separate concepts. if you want to discuss both, tie them together explicitly. second, your conclusion is too broad. I wouldn't imply that society will only understand that "people are people" if you're admitted to this law school. (assuming I follow your chain of logic: I'm tolerant -> other people should be tolerant -> I tell people to be tolerant -> ? -> diversity is good and should be a way of life -> law school X should be diverse -> given more diversity, people forget their differences and view other people as people.) I'm not sure this is as effective as it could be. why not make the conclusion more personal so that it follows the rest of the essay?]

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rbahdi
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Re: Please read it... trying to get this ish in tonite!

Postby rbahdi » Wed Nov 24, 2010 11:23 pm

I'll be very honest. I like that you speak to how your race has shaped your personal development but the essay seems broad and generic. It may help to be more descriptive when talking about, for example, the time a classmate called you a n*****. As it stands now,this essay could have been written by any black applicant. Hope
that helps.

Kaitlyn
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Re: Please read it... trying to get this ish in tonite!

Postby Kaitlyn » Wed Nov 24, 2010 11:34 pm

rbahdi wrote:I'll be very honest. I like that you speak to how your race has shaped your personal development but the essay seems broad and generic. It may help to be more descriptive when talking about, for example, the time a classmate called you a n*****. As it stands now,this essay could have been written by any black applicant. Hope
that helps.


+1

I see my own (and every other middle-class Black-American person I know's) development trajectory spelled out, but came away from it feeling like I gained no genuine insight into who you are. I agree with the above commenter that maybe honing in on specific experiences you've had might strengthen the essay. As it is now, I would not send it in tonight.

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yngblkgifted
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Re: Please read it... trying to get this ish in tonite!

Postby yngblkgifted » Wed Nov 24, 2010 11:59 pm

Kaitlyn wrote:
rbahdi wrote:I'll be very honest. I like that you speak to how your race has shaped your personal development but the essay seems broad and generic. It may help to be more descriptive when talking about, for example, the time a classmate called you a n*****. As it stands now,this essay could have been written by any black applicant. Hope
that helps.


+1

I see my own (and every other middle-class Black-American person I know's) development trajectory spelled out, but came away from it feeling like I gained no genuine insight into who you are. I agree with the above commenter that maybe honing in on specific experiences you've had might strengthen the essay. As it is now, I would not send it in tonight.


Well unfortunately this "trajectory" is my experience. I've come to terms with that. I can't change my experience or how I developed as a black kid growing up in an all white neighborhood. That component will stay in my statement. However, I appreciate your critique.

What I can change is how personal the story is and I will work on that. I had more descriptive things at first but I thought that a DS was supposed to only be a page. Was my assumption wrong?
Last edited by yngblkgifted on Thu Nov 25, 2010 12:04 am, edited 1 time in total.

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yngblkgifted
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Re: Please read it... trying to get this ish in tonite!

Postby yngblkgifted » Thu Nov 25, 2010 12:00 am

Thank you everyone else for the comments, advice and editing. It was much appreciated!


Edit: Anymore comments are welcome!

Kaitlyn
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Re: Please read it... trying to get this ish in tonite!

Postby Kaitlyn » Thu Nov 25, 2010 12:13 am

yngblkgifted wrote:
Kaitlyn wrote:
rbahdi wrote:I'll be very honest. I like that you speak to how your race has shaped your personal development but the essay seems broad and generic. It may help to be more descriptive when talking about, for example, the time a classmate called you a n*****. As it stands now,this essay could have been written by any black applicant. Hope
that helps.


+1

I see my own (and every other middle-class Black-American person I know's) development trajectory spelled out, but came away from it feeling like I gained no genuine insight into who you are. I agree with the above commenter that maybe honing in on specific experiences you've had might strengthen the essay. As it is now, I would not send it in tonight.


Well unfortunately this "trajectory" is my experience. I've come to terms with that. I can't change my experience or how I developed as a black kid growing up in an all white neighborhood. That component will stay in my statement. However, I appreciate your critique.

What I can change is how personal the story is and I will work on that. I had more descriptive things at first but I thought that a DS was supposed to only be a page. Was my assumption wrong?


Didn't mean to sound condescending or imply there was anything "wrong" with that experience or that you shouldn't write about it, just that it might be helpful to personalize it more. But that's just one person's opinion, sorry you didn't find it helpful.

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yngblkgifted
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Re: Please read it... trying to get this ish in tonite!

Postby yngblkgifted » Thu Nov 25, 2010 1:52 am

It's all good. It did help. I asked for comments and you gave one. Like you and other posters have said, I need to be more personal in the way I tell this unoriginal story. Also, unoriginal doesnt equal not important. So I get what you and others are saying. I did not end up sending it tonite..hopefully tomorrow. So tired of looking at these damn statements.... :(




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