Once again, I am begging you to read my DS..

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atkpl
Posts: 62
Joined: Fri Oct 01, 2010 11:42 pm

Once again, I am begging you to read my DS..

Postby atkpl » Wed Nov 24, 2010 5:22 am

Thank you very much for your comments for my first draft..

I edited the paper much, and I tried to avoid the negativity as much as I can..

I wonder if this got any better than last time..

Growing up in a homogeneous country like Korea, I never had an opportunity to live in a diverse society. When I was a 9th-grade student, I made the most significant decision in my life; I left my family behind in Korea and came to America by myself to pursue a better education. Moreover, I was excited to have the experience of living in a society where people from different cultures live together, which I believed would allow me to have diverse background with much understanding of other cultures.

I attended a boarding school in Chattanooga, TN, ready to enjoy the diverse society. However, I was only dismayed to find myself being an outcast. Rather than to appreciate, my schoolmates seemed to believe my cultural difference was a good subject to deride. I lost my self-esteem and suffered from sheer loneliness and was desperate for someone who would reach out to me. Every day, I became more reclusive than before, spending most of my days staring at a laptop screen in my dormitory room.

When I started to lose my hope for the American dream, I met my second roommate. He was also an international student, but from Honduras. He, however, was different from me; he was completely blended with my school society. One night, after the lights-out hour, I was eager to find out why my colleagues accepted his culture but not mine. “Because you do not accept theirs,” was the verbatim answer I would never forget. It was an awakening; I, for the first time, looked back and realized that I had not truly tried to accept American culture in the first place.

After all, I learned that merely being in a foreign country was not sufficient to grant me a true diverse background. Instead, I had to take proactive measures to approach and adjust myself to the other culture. It was surprising how easily I became a part of the society once I adjusted myself first. Then, my fellow students soon accepted my culture, and my difference was no longer ridiculed. After learning the valuable lesson, I now feel confident that I can easily accustom to a new culture and environment; I will contribute to diversity at X University, for my experience of studying abroad in America alone taught me the meaning of true diversity and how to achieve it.

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Sinra
Posts: 240
Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2009 9:15 pm

Re: Once again, I am begging you to read my DS..

Postby Sinra » Wed Nov 24, 2010 7:14 am

atkpl wrote:Thank you very much for your comments for my first draft..

I edited the paper much, and I tried to avoid the negativity as much as I can..

I wonder if this got any better than last time..

Growing up in a homogeneous country like Korea, I never had an opportunity to live in a diverse society. When I was a 9th-grade student, I made the most significant decision in my life; I left my family behind in Korea and came to America by myself to pursue a better education. Moreover, I was excited to have the experience of living in a society where people from different cultures live together, which I believed would allow me to have diverse background with much understanding of other cultures.

I attended a boarding school in Chattanooga, TN, ready to enjoy the diverse society. However, I was only dismayed to find myself being an outcast. Rather than to appreciate, my schoolmates seemed to believe my cultural difference was a good subject to deride. I lost my self-esteem and suffered from sheer loneliness and was desperate for someone who would reach out to me. Every day, I became more reclusive than before, spending most of my days staring at a laptop screen in my dormitory room.

When I started to lose my hope for the American dream, I met my second roommate. He was also an international student, but from Honduras. He, however, was different from me; he was completely blended with my school society. One night, after the lights-out hour, I was eager to find out why my colleagues accepted his culture but not mine. “Because you do not accept theirs,” was the verbatim answer I would never forget. It was an awakening; I, for the first time, looked back and realized that I had not truly tried to accept American culture in the first place.

After all, I learned that merely being in a foreign country was not sufficient to grant me a true diverse background. Instead, I had to take proactive measures to approach and adjust myself to the other culture. It was surprising how easily I became a part of the society once I adjusted myself first. Then, my fellow students soon accepted my culture, and my difference was no longer ridiculed. After learning the valuable lesson, I now feel confident that I can easily accustom to a new culture and environment; I will contribute to diversity at X University, for my experience of studying abroad in America alone taught me the meaning of true diversity and how to achieve it.


PM'd you.

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sophia.olive
Posts: 885
Joined: Mon Jan 25, 2010 11:38 pm

Re: Once again, I am begging you to read my DS..

Postby sophia.olive » Wed Nov 24, 2010 7:55 am

atkpl wrote:Thank you very much for your comments for my first draft..

I edited the paper much, and I tried to avoid the negativity as much as I can..

I wonder if this got any better than last time..

Growing up in a homogeneous country like Korea, I never had an opportunity to live in a diverse society. When I was a 9th-grade student, I made the most significant decision in my life; I left my family behind in Korea and came to America by myself to pursue a better education. Moreover, I was excited to have the experience of living in a society where people from different cultures live together, which I believed would allow me to have a diverse background with much understanding of other cultures. < perhaps: with a deeper understanding of other cultures.> Honestly, this sentence doesnt make a lot of sense. So you came so you will be different from the people around you?

I attended a boarding school in Chattanooga, TN <write it out>, ready to enjoy the diverse society. However, I was only dismayed to find myself being an outcast<express this sentence better, in other words "how?" example>. Rather than to appreciate<express better, rather than appreciating the new ideas and perspectives I brought with me....>, my schoolmates seemed to believe my cultural difference was a good subject to deride. I lost my self-esteem and suffered from sheer loneliness and was desperate for someone who would reach out to me. Every day, I became more reclusive than before, spending most ofmy days staring at a laptop screen in my dormitory room.

When I started to lose my hope for the American dream, I met my second roommate. He was also an international student, but from Honduras. He, however, was different from me; he was completely blended with my school society<awkward, too repetitive>. One night, after the lights-out hour<awkward>, I was eager to find out why my colleagues accepted his culture but not mine. “Because you do not accept theirs,” was the verbatim answer I would never forget. It was an awakening; I, for the first time, looked back and realized that I had not truly tried to accept American culture in the first place. <I think this line makes your whole diversity statement work against you. It gives you that narrow minded Korean stereotype, I would not admit this even if it was true. I would not want a student who traveled to a country to study and realised, "oh I have to accept their culture." I'm starting to think you are a flame.>

After all, I learned that merely being in a foreign country was not sufficient to grant me a true diverse background<silly>. Instead, I had to take proactive measures to approach and adjust myself to the other culture. It was surprising how easily I became a part of the society once I adjusted myself first. Then, my fellow students soon accepted my culture, and my difference was no longer ridiculed. After learning the valuable lesson, I now feel confident that I can easily <I can easily become accustomed to; but overall it is a weak/shallow conclusion> accustom to a new culture and environment; I will contribute to diversity at X University, for my experience of studying abroad in America alone taught me the meaning of true diversity and how to achieve it.<so basically you are saying you will contribe to the diversity by experiencing american diversity which every other applicant has lived through.


^comments in text.

DS FAIL Your DS makes me dislike you.
Last edited by sophia.olive on Wed Nov 24, 2010 8:55 am, edited 1 time in total.

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sophia.olive
Posts: 885
Joined: Mon Jan 25, 2010 11:38 pm

Re: Once again, I am begging you to read my DS..

Postby sophia.olive » Wed Nov 24, 2010 8:01 am

If you must write a DS, I would be less Seung-Hui Cho and instead tell us about Korea. What will you bring from Korea? Your diversity is being Korean not being in America for a couple of years. Tell a story about a wise grandparent or turtle boats or something. Talk about the racisim in Korea and how you want to change that.... something other than what you wrote..

Oh and if you must send this one dont use the same words over and over,it makes it seem like your english is poor/ your vocab sucks. example:society

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3|ink
Posts: 7331
Joined: Wed Dec 16, 2009 5:23 pm

Re: Once again, I am begging you to read my DS..

Postby 3|ink » Thu Nov 25, 2010 12:06 am

I can only comment on to the merit of your story. I'm not certain what they are looking for in a DS. I'd say sophia has some points (though I think she could have been nicer about them). You definitely need to work on your English. That's a huge obstacle for you. I realize you're probably bilingual and mastering a second language is easier said than done. However, you're applying to a US law school. It's not going to help your application if the people reading your DS or PS get the opinion that you are not proficient in English. I think you should try and keep your sentences short and sweet. There's no need to be a poet here. If you keep it simple, there's less room for error.

I think sophia is right about your story as well. I think it's a good story, but it's probably best suited for a PS. Your diversity statement should emphasize your background -- not your troubles fitting-in here.

Since you have been exposed to both cultures, you should be aware of things that about each culture that would come off as strange to the other. I would write about these things.

zahunter
Posts: 28
Joined: Sat Nov 13, 2010 10:44 pm

Re: Once again, I am begging you to read my DS..

Postby zahunter » Thu Nov 25, 2010 1:17 am

I personally wouldn't mention "American Dream." It's not what it used to be and the "American Dream" you are talking about is not the American Dream referenced today. Please take a look at my PS. http://www.top-law-schools.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=18&t=138881




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