I beg you to read my DS please.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
atkpl
Posts: 62
Joined: Fri Oct 01, 2010 11:42 pm

I beg you to read my DS please.

Postby atkpl » Tue Nov 23, 2010 7:01 pm

I am the one who asked if writing about Confucian background would be too weird..

I decided to avoid religion issue, so I wrote about my experience of leaving Korea alone for education in America.

I like my PS, but I am not sure I even like my DS becuase I am not even sure if I am diverse enough to write one.

Anyway, I would really really appreciate if any of you guys comment on this.

Thank you
Last edited by atkpl on Wed Nov 24, 2010 5:27 am, edited 1 time in total.

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3|ink
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Re: I beg you to read my DS please.

Postby 3|ink » Tue Nov 23, 2010 7:17 pm

I think you have a potentially great story here, but it could use a more delicate touch and some crisper writing. In the first paragraph, you say it was their (the other kids') fault for not accepting you because you were unacceptable. However, you take this back by the end of the story. I would instead re-write the first paragraph so it is clear that you only blamed them early on.

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The Gentleman
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Re: I beg you to read my DS please.

Postby The Gentleman » Tue Nov 23, 2010 7:27 pm

Good anecdote with an "Aha!" moment, but it still needs some work. There's a lot of awkward wording and your tone is a bit arrogant.

And am I crazy, or did you compare yourself to Jesus Christ in the first paragraph? That's a no-no.

Saltqjibo
Posts: 271
Joined: Fri Apr 02, 2010 6:47 pm

Re: I beg you to read my DS please.

Postby Saltqjibo » Tue Nov 23, 2010 7:36 pm

I'll say it. It needs some Heavy editing, and you risk presenting yourself in a negative light to adcomms.

atkpl
Posts: 62
Joined: Fri Oct 01, 2010 11:42 pm

Re: I beg you to read my DS please.

Postby atkpl » Tue Nov 23, 2010 7:37 pm

Saltqjibo wrote:I'll say it. It needs some Heavy editing, and you risk presenting yourself in a negative light to adcomms.


What do you mean by negative light? Could you elaborate?

I really appreciate your comment

and thanks everyone for the comment

Chants
Posts: 140
Joined: Sun Oct 10, 2010 9:20 pm

Re: I beg you to read my DS please.

Postby Chants » Tue Nov 23, 2010 7:43 pm

IMO, you are the definition of someone that should write a DS.

That being said, some of the content/writer style is a bit choppy/odd.

Also, make sure you give it a good proofread. I am guessing this is a first draft though, so no worries. Some ideas on content:


When I was 15 years old, I had made the most significant decision in my life; I left my family behind rewordand came to America by myself to pursue a better education. Divulge what influenced your decision more. That is, after all, what makes you diverseAlthough I was confident of my success, my early stage EARLY STAGE OF CHALLENGE?!? ODD X2 of challenge was like that of Jesus in the desertIf you are going to reference Jesus, that is fine. It is not a "no-no" but you better have a better reason than because you were agonized and lonely. Sounds pretentious. It was agonizing and lonely.

I attended a boarding school in Chattanooga, TN. In my school, my cultural background was not appreciableappreciable? don't try to be fancy, just be articulate- try "In the eyes of my classmates, my cultural background made me more of a spectacle than a fellow student" or something along those lines? from my colleagues’ eyes, but rather, it was a good subject to laugh at. To have Korean food,During my lunchbreak, I WOULD COME back to my room during my lunch hour when everyone else was eating IN a cafeteria because I did not want to see anyone mocking me for eating “smelly food.” It did not take long until I became an outcast; I suffered from a sheer loneliness. Every night at my bed, I pictured myself leaving America. I had always attributed my misery to their ignorance of other cultures and HAD ALWAYS blamed them for not even trying to understand me. Every day, I had become more reclusive than before, spending most of my days staring at the laptop screen in my dormitory room. Soon, I barely CONVERSED with anyone in my school.

WHEN I had already abandoned my hope for an American dream, I met my second roommate. He was also an international student from Honduras, but he was different from me; he was completely blended with my school society. One night after the lights-out hour, I asked him how he managed to get along with such ignorant people. “It is actually you, who are ignorant of them,” was the verbatim answer I would never forget. It was an awakening; I realized that my misery was actually my fault. In fact, I was the one who had always labeled them as “ignorant” and refused to accept them.

With the help of my roommate, I strived to dispose of my prejudice against my colleagues. It was surprising how easily I became a part of the society once I did so. After all, two cultures’ merely being at the same place was not sufficient to achieve true harmonious diversity; proactive measure to approach and understand the other culture had to be followed. I am confident that my lesson from high school will contribute to diversity at X University because now I clearly understand a path to help change “different cultures’ existing together” to be “truly diverse.”

Saltqjibo
Posts: 271
Joined: Fri Apr 02, 2010 6:47 pm

Re: I beg you to read my DS please.

Postby Saltqjibo » Tue Nov 23, 2010 7:49 pm

by negative light I mean that it is always tricky territory to write about your past flaws. Sure you are saying you used to be judgemental and small minded and that you aren't anymore, but you always risk planting that seed of doubt in the readers mind. If you are going to do this you should downplay that as much as possible and focus much more on how openminded and accepting you are now.

Chants
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Joined: Sun Oct 10, 2010 9:20 pm

Re: I beg you to read my DS please.

Postby Chants » Tue Nov 23, 2010 7:53 pm

I think it is supposed to be less a look at past faults and more a tale of how his perspective has been shaped. However, OP, if that is how your DS comes across to some, that needs to be considered in your revisions. You do not want it to shed light on flaws, so focus more on the positive outcome

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Sinra
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Re: I beg you to read my DS please.

Postby Sinra » Tue Nov 23, 2010 9:00 pm

Boarding school in the US is not comparable to Jesus in the desert starving and being tempted by Satan. That is way too hyperbolic and definitely a no-no. You can make your point about adjusting (which is a valid one for diversity!) without going overboard.

atkpl
Posts: 62
Joined: Fri Oct 01, 2010 11:42 pm

Re: I beg you to read my DS please.

Postby atkpl » Tue Nov 23, 2010 10:13 pm

Thanks so much for a lot of detailed comment!!

I really appreciate it.




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