WHY DUKE!? Read and criticize!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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WHY DUKE!? Read and criticize!

Postby peterb0y » Tue Nov 23, 2010 12:56 pm

Why Duke?
Over the past four years, Duke University has become my home. I have come to love the community, the student body, and the atmosphere of ambition that defines the university. My four years at Duke have been the most formative of my life, as I have been afforded opportunities to learn alongside a highly diverse and motivated group of individuals. Recently, I attended a birthday celebration on campus, complete with cake and party favors, for the great African American leader Pauli Murray. Such an event represented nearly everything I appreciate about Duke: a student community that is as witty and fun-loving as it is intelligent, a sense of activism and awareness for social issues, and an acceptance and embracing of those from diverse backgrounds.
The Duke University School of Law represents the same principles of acceptance and academic excellence that characterized my undergraduate experience. As a Latino student, I look forward to contributing to the community of the law school. Specifically, I am intrigued by the Duke Forum for Law & Social Change. Coming from a family of immigrants, and growing up in the agricultural sector which is characterized by social inequity and immigration abuse, I hope to draw from my life experiences and contribute in meaningful ways.

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Re: WHY DUKE!? Read and criticize!

Postby 313D313 » Tue Nov 23, 2010 1:14 pm

I like this think it is very well written. Is it supposed to be longer? I have not written a WHY essay before so i have no idea about the length, but regardless i think this prety darn good.

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Re: WHY DUKE!? Read and criticize!

Postby JazzOne » Tue Nov 23, 2010 1:23 pm

I think the word "embracing" sounds very odd in that essay. I understand that you're using it as a gerund, but it is awkward because you use the noun "acceptance" immediately before rather than the gerund "accepting" (which doesn't work at all). So, I would suggest switching "embracing" to "embracement." Either that or find another way to phrase that idea.

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