Critique my why X essay!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Saltqjibo
Posts: 271
Joined: Fri Apr 02, 2010 6:47 pm

Critique my why X essay!

Postby Saltqjibo » Sun Nov 21, 2010 9:56 pm

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Last edited by Saltqjibo on Mon Nov 29, 2010 3:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

Saltqjibo
Posts: 271
Joined: Fri Apr 02, 2010 6:47 pm

Re: Critique my why X essay!

Postby Saltqjibo » Mon Nov 22, 2010 12:52 am

no answers cuz its terrible? or is everybody just asleep. I was thinking of submitting tonight and was hoping to get a bit of feedback.

I'll gladly do a swap.

User avatar
piccolittle
Posts: 1118
Joined: Mon Oct 06, 2008 4:16 pm

Re: Critique my why X essay!

Postby piccolittle » Mon Nov 22, 2010 1:51 am

Hey, thanks for reading mine - I really appreciate it :)

I generally like this Why essay. However, I wonder if the first paragraph is really necessary. It leads into the second paragraph well, but may be sort of superfluous (unless the school really prides itself on being recognized for this). What I would prefer (personally) is maybe cutting the first paragraph or condensing it into a sentence as a lead for the second paragraph, and providing some concrete support for your claims in the second. When you said "I believe" in the last sentence, I reflexively thought "Why?". Then again, it's about 6am where I am now, so my reading comprehension isn't the greatest.

HTH! :)

eve2490
Posts: 84
Joined: Wed Sep 22, 2010 11:00 am

.

Postby eve2490 » Mon Nov 22, 2010 3:15 am

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