PS Statement Feedback please

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Boulanger07
Posts: 17
Joined: Fri Jul 30, 2010 9:40 am

PS Statement Feedback please

Postby Boulanger07 » Sun Nov 21, 2010 8:39 pm

Scrapping that idea....back to brainstorming...thanks for all your help
Last edited by Boulanger07 on Mon Nov 22, 2010 12:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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capitalacq
Posts: 639
Joined: Thu Feb 05, 2009 2:42 am

Re: PS Statement Feedback please

Postby capitalacq » Mon Nov 22, 2010 1:51 am

I think it exhibits a lot of bad qualities about you and will hurt your application. I don't mean to be harsh, but this is pretty much what I get out of it when I read it:

  • you cant wait to get out of work
  • students give you a headache
  • you're ineffective
  • you still can't wait to get out of work
  • you don't want to put in any more time to stuff than what's required
  • you don't like being around with people/want to avoid them/don't want to talk to them/don't pay attention to who they are

manifresh
Posts: 17
Joined: Mon Nov 22, 2010 1:58 am

Re: PS Statement Feedback please

Postby manifresh » Mon Nov 22, 2010 2:06 am

it's a nice and well-written story but I don't think it tells much about you. It only describes one aspect and that is your ability to tutor. Maybe you can elaborate on how your experience with tutoring has helped you develop X skills.

Boulanger07
Posts: 17
Joined: Fri Jul 30, 2010 9:40 am

Re: PS Statement Feedback please

Postby Boulanger07 » Mon Nov 22, 2010 9:57 am

Yea, I was afraid it would come off that way. Now I just gotta figure out if I should scrap the whole idea or recast it in a more positive light.

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capitalacq
Posts: 639
Joined: Thu Feb 05, 2009 2:42 am

Re: PS Statement Feedback please

Postby capitalacq » Mon Nov 22, 2010 11:00 am

Boulanger07 wrote:Yea, I was afraid it would come off that way. Now I just gotta figure out if I should scrap the whole idea or recast it in a more positive light.


the idea might be salvageable, but it needs a lot of work. I'd just sit down and brainstorm to see if there's anything else you can up with. If not, then just sit down and read through this carefully and scrap anything that says something negative about you unless you're talking about a negative to show you've changed and overcome something

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Gotti
Posts: 3436
Joined: Tue Nov 09, 2010 3:46 pm

Re: PS Statement Feedback please

Postby Gotti » Mon Nov 22, 2010 11:38 am

capitalacq wrote:I think it exhibits a lot of bad qualities about you and will hurt your application. I don't mean to be harsh, but this is pretty much what I get out of it when I read it:

  • you cant wait to get out of work
  • students give you a headache
  • you're ineffective
  • you still can't wait to get out of work
  • you don't want to put in any more time to stuff than what's required
  • you don't like being around with people/want to avoid them/don't want to talk to them/don't pay attention to who they are



This is EXACTLY what I got. And also "That tutor being me" is just...please rephrase it and incorporate that into the previous sentence.

Too much time is spent talking about how much you didn't want to be there, how ineffective you were, etc. and only the last tiny paragraph talking about what you really want to get across. Consider focusing more on the good. And I also agree that this doesn't really tell me about you at all, just that you're a tutor and you helped one guy out and hardly anyone else.




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