PS- close to submit - need feedback

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Saltqjibo
Posts: 271
Joined: Fri Apr 02, 2010 6:47 pm

PS- close to submit - need feedback

Postby Saltqjibo » Sun Nov 21, 2010 2:26 pm

.
Last edited by Saltqjibo on Mon Nov 29, 2010 3:42 am, edited 1 time in total.

firemed
Posts: 1195
Joined: Wed Aug 11, 2010 7:36 pm

Re: PS- close to submit - need feedback

Postby firemed » Sun Nov 21, 2010 3:22 pm

Good and interesting. But... one sentence stands out as making me think "shouldn't he just stick with physical labor, then?"

Saltqjibo wrote: and to love and understand the bare honesty of physical labor.


I would take that out. Very good job overall though, IMO.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: PS- close to submit - need feedback

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Nov 21, 2010 3:40 pm

This is a very good essay with some weak word choices. For example, did planting really "give" you the ability to work long hours ? Or did it "demand" it ?
"...constant exertion of body & mind." Exertion of body is clear, but mind is not.
ADD: "daily" to "can burn as many calories daily...".
A "total" disconnect from society when only a 100 miles to the nearest town ? Find a better word than "total".
"Discovering" new subjects & cities or "exploring" ?

"Local and academic communities" not "community" unless they were one & the same.
ADD a comma after "passive".

"...through varied weather" ? Don't you mean through "difficult times" ?
Last sentence: "feel" ? Or "judge ourselves" ?

The 7th of the 8 paragraphs is the weakest starting with: "...a depth of engagement and knowledge." = this is weak. The next two sentences ruin the rhythm of your essay. They disrupt the mood.

"...to love and understand the bare honesty of physical labor." is your best line, in my opinion.

Saltqjibo
Posts: 271
Joined: Fri Apr 02, 2010 6:47 pm

Re: PS- close to submit - need feedback

Postby Saltqjibo » Sun Nov 21, 2010 5:16 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:
"...to love and understand the bare honesty of physical labor." is your best line, in my opinion.


I like that line too, it must be a canadian thing.

I see what you mean about the jarring word choices, and I know that the second last paragraph needs some work. Comments were very helpful.

Anyone else want to take a stab.

I'm thinking of submitting a few less important apps tonight with this PS more or less as is just to get them out of the way. Am I there yet?




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.