Be gentle . . . or rough if necessary

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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BackToTheOldHouse
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Be gentle . . . or rough if necessary

Postby BackToTheOldHouse » Sun Nov 21, 2010 1:18 pm

... deleted as I have made the necessary changes and am ready to submit.
Last edited by BackToTheOldHouse on Mon Nov 22, 2010 2:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.

jhspaybar
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Joined: Sun Jan 17, 2010 2:13 pm

Re: Be gentle . . . or rough if necessary

Postby jhspaybar » Sun Nov 21, 2010 2:15 pm

Passive, and abstract. I'm done with the first paragraph and have no clue what happened, that's not that good. Re-write it much more concretely and actively. I did X, X happened, I discovered X. Paragraph two is no better. You need to re-do this so that you create an image of you in a casino, smoky room, a shock of an event that changed you, and then continue on with how it changed you. None of the abstract from the first two paragraphs should stick around imo which is everything but your fingertips on the felt.

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BackToTheOldHouse
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Re: Be gentle . . . or rough if necessary

Postby BackToTheOldHouse » Sun Nov 21, 2010 2:23 pm

That's what I was worried about--I was trying to build interest in the first couple paragraphs, but it sounds like I just built confusion and distaste.

What about after the first two paragraphs? Still shit?

THANKS A BUNCH for responding.

Saltqjibo
Posts: 271
Joined: Fri Apr 02, 2010 6:47 pm

Re: Be gentle . . . or rough if necessary

Postby Saltqjibo » Sun Nov 21, 2010 2:57 pm

Hold on there, you don't need to rewrite. alot of this is good.

Cut the first two paragraphs straight up. Open with your third (slightly reworked so it still makes sense). From there the rest is pretty well written (I dont think the guy above me read the whole thing - i agree with him that the first two paras are terrible though)

From then on you have a well organized interesting story with the only problem being that I don't think your reasons for attending college are particularly compelling. Rather than just say "i wanted something more" you need to make it something about how interested you were in the wider world, how you felt bored turning over cards again and again. Your discovery of a passion for learning and thought.

Rework your reasoning and cut the beggining and you will be much closer to a good statement

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James Bond
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Re: Be gentle . . . or rough if necessary

Postby James Bond » Sun Nov 21, 2010 2:58 pm

That's what she said

...oh wait...

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BackToTheOldHouse
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Re: Be gentle . . . or rough if necessary

Postby BackToTheOldHouse » Sun Nov 21, 2010 4:03 pm

Thanks, Saltqjibo, that's exactly what I am going to do. You are right (and I felt it as I wrote it): I do need to better articulate the why behind the decision.

TLS is cool--I was able to get some good feedback from a couple of nice folks and can now move forward with a tad bit more confidence and a more compelling PS.

Very cool.




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