Grammer and Awkward Check - Want to submit soon

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glitched
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Grammer and Awkward Check - Want to submit soon

Postby glitched » Fri Nov 19, 2010 10:59 am

Hello all. I am settled on keeping most of the structure. Feel free to comment on the topic but I think I will keep that too. But thanks for the help and advice everyone so far! Main problem is that I have read it so much that I might be not be catching any grammar mistakes or awkward sentences. Everything is really appreciated. :) - Things I am most uncomfortable with or want to omit/change are in red.


Jason Stillborn waits in a dimly lit room with nothing in it except a metal desk and two chairs, one on which he sits. There is a single door, reinforced by steel and protected by multiple locks, each on its own able to withstand a major blast. There are no windows, but Jason Stillborn knows that he is being watched very carefully – a camera is hidden on the left side of the wall. After waiting a few minutes, he smiles and looks directly at the lens, asking politely if he can have a cigarette. He is so calm that one could easily presume that he is talking to his best friend. No one would imagine that this man was arrested tonight after being convicted for the murder of twenty five individuals committed over the past eight weeks. No one would imagine that this man is as dangerous as he is brilliant. But most importantly, no one would imagine that by the end of the night, this man would walk free.

This might sound like a scene from a movie, but I assure you that it is not. Well, at least not yet. This is the beginning of my screenplay, and Jason Stillborn is my creation (or antagonist). He is a medical doctor who has engineered a disease that has the power to kill a single individual without it becoming contagious. This gives him the ability to kill only those he wants to kill, almost eliminating the risk of being caught. Eventually, however, as anyone who has performed a task of ingenuity can attest, he desires credit from someone somewhere in the world, leaving a trail that leads to capture.

In my laboratory, I transformed bacteria and engineered virus to study its functions, witnessing powerful advancements in biotechnology. Such innovations have been applied to provide much good throughout the world: new treatments for AIDS, therapies for cancer, and even developments for engine fuel. However, as with any new power, there is the potential for biotechnology to be used to cause terror or destruction. With the right tools, a disease can be created in a lab to be as deadly as HIV yet as contagious as the common cold. Since the day I graduated, I have used my science education to write a screenplay that illustrates the powers and dangers of biotechnology while also providing an exciting, suspenseful adventure for the audience.

As much thrill script-writing may provide, I am not looking for a career in entertainment. I simply enjoy screenwriting, spending any free time seeking to tell a story that stirs anticipation and provokes thought. I would prefer using my knowledge and experience in science to help resolve the problems that biology laboratories are currently facing. Bioscience is advancing very quickly, and while studying biology, I have come across questions that need answers. For example, with new research such as stem cells, a patient can use his own cells to help create a new organ for a transplant, completely avoiding the risk of rejection. This will undoubtedly save thousands of lives who have been waiting years, if not decades, on a transplant list. Such lists will one day only be found in history books or medical records due to the results of stem cell research. Nevertheless, some questions still remain. Who owns the rights to such technology? Is it the researchers who discovered such a method, the institution that funded such research, or does it belong completely to the public who ultimately funded the institution? Without a firm foundation in the biological sciences, it may be difficult or perhaps impossible to find the right answer. I want to take a part in finding such answers to ultimately benefit people in need.

Many people tell me that with my degree I am limited to either a career in medicine or research. And though there was a time when I felt the same way, I know now that I am not. As partially evidenced by my screenplay, I hope to use my knowledge of science to venture into new fields and industries that will (or could – I prefer could because it is more accurate. I prefer will because it is more compelling but sounds a bit arrogant and self-elevating) benefit from such expertise. Although there may be days where I will miss working in a laboratory to help make any new discoveries, I am still as excited, if not more excited, for my future beyond it.

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capitalacq
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Re: Grammer and Awkward Check - Want to submit soon

Postby capitalacq » Sat Nov 20, 2010 12:36 am

I know you like the topic but it seems very disjointed to me... I'd just lose the screenplay. It's taking up valuable space and doesn't reveal much about you (no more than a single sentence can reveal) I think you can reference your creativity/screenplay in a more effective manner (i.e. turn the first two paragraphs into two sentences to start it off).

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Remnantofisrael
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Re: Grammer and Awkward Check - Want to submit soon

Postby Remnantofisrael » Sun Nov 28, 2010 6:41 pm

capitalacq wrote:I know you like the topic but it seems very disjointed to me... I'd just lose the screenplay. It's taking up valuable space and doesn't reveal much about you (no more than a single sentence can reveal) I think you can reference your creativity/screenplay in a more effective manner (i.e. turn the first two paragraphs into two sentences to start it off).


+1

CanadianWolf
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Re: Grammer and Awkward Check - Want to submit soon

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Nov 28, 2010 6:48 pm

Disjointed. Some may fail to read the entire essay since it is presented in a slightly aimless and, therefore, somewhat confusing manner. Bluntly stated, you made an interesting topic boring.

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2807
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Re: Grammer and Awkward Check - Want to submit soon

Postby 2807 » Sun Nov 28, 2010 7:33 pm

Ok, a few things that poked me in the eye:

1. Your first sentence in P2 seems wrong. Isn't the entire P1 to be a "scene in a movie" ? You may know the semantics of what you are saying, but to me... you were describing a "scene" from a movie you are writing. Then you say it is not.... huh?

2. You need a transition sentence between P2 and P3. Way too abrupt there.

3. Creation (not antagonist)

4. Does virus need to be plural in P4? "...viruses to study their functions.."

5. "I used my science education to write.." ( no "have" used)<-- passive voice

6. P5: Drop that first red sentence completely, it is not needed and is directly conflicting the sentence before it. You enjoy using "any free time" writing, and next you say you would prefer.... Well, which is it? So, drop the second and and it still flows. Re-write the next red sentence to say "I came across..." No "have" that is passive again..

7. Last P (red part). Either one, you are over-thinking this my friend. You can also say "...industries that stand to benefit...." Really, not a major issue here...

Ok, so your point is you have insight and experience in biotech and you are aware of issues and concerns that stand to arise as the field grows? Ok, that is valuable. That solid message is awfully diluted in this PS.

Not that you cannot use this, I like the concept, but if I were to hand this to someone, I do not think they would realize it was for admissions to law school.

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glitched
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Re: Grammer and Awkward Check - Want to submit soon

Postby glitched » Tue Nov 30, 2010 2:02 am

2807 wrote:Ok, a few things that poked me in the eye:

1. Your first sentence in P2 seems wrong. Isn't the entire P1 to be a "scene in a movie" ? You may know the semantics of what you are saying, but to me... you were describing a "scene" from a movie you are writing. Then you say it is not.... huh?

2. You need a transition sentence between P2 and P3. Way too abrupt there.

3. Creation (not antagonist)

4. Does virus need to be plural in P4? "...viruses to study their functions.."

5. "I used my science education to write.." ( no "have" used)<-- passive voice

6. P5: Drop that first red sentence completely, it is not needed and is directly conflicting the sentence before it. You enjoy using "any free time" writing, and next you say you would prefer.... Well, which is it? So, drop the second and and it still flows. Re-write the next red sentence to say "I came across..." No "have" that is passive again..

7. Last P (red part). Either one, you are over-thinking this my friend. You can also say "...industries that stand to benefit...." Really, not a major issue here...

Ok, so your point is you have insight and experience in biotech and you are aware of issues and concerns that stand to arise as the field grows? Ok, that is valuable. That solid message is awfully diluted in this PS.

Not that you cannot use this, I like the concept, but if I were to hand this to someone, I do not think they would realize it was for admissions to law school.



i already submitted! :( but fortunately - i fixed most, if not all, the corrections that you suggested. also - the last part about handing it to someone, the only people that ultimately matter when reading this will know it is for admissions to law school. I did that intentionally. :)

Thanks for the feedback though! :)

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2807
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Re: Grammer and Awkward Check - Want to submit soon

Postby 2807 » Tue Nov 30, 2010 3:51 pm

leeronalda wrote:
2807 wrote:Ok, a few things that poked me in the eye:

1. Your first sentence in P2 seems wrong. Isn't the entire P1 to be a "scene in a movie" ? You may know the semantics of what you are saying, but to me... you were describing a "scene" from a movie you are writing. Then you say it is not.... huh?

2. You need a transition sentence between P2 and P3. Way too abrupt there.

3. Creation (not antagonist)

4. Does virus need to be plural in P4? "...viruses to study their functions.."

5. "I used my science education to write.." ( no "have" used)<-- passive voice

6. P5: Drop that first red sentence completely, it is not needed and is directly conflicting the sentence before it. You enjoy using "any free time" writing, and next you say you would prefer.... Well, which is it? So, drop the second and and it still flows. Re-write the next red sentence to say "I came across..." No "have" that is passive again..

7. Last P (red part). Either one, you are over-thinking this my friend. You can also say "...industries that stand to benefit...." Really, not a major issue here...

Ok, so your point is you have insight and experience in biotech and you are aware of issues and concerns that stand to arise as the field grows? Ok, that is valuable. That solid message is awfully diluted in this PS.

Not that you cannot use this, I like the concept, but if I were to hand this to someone, I do not think they would realize it was for admissions to law school.



i already submitted! :( but fortunately - i fixed most, if not all, the corrections that you suggested. also - the last part about handing it to someone, the only people that ultimately matter when reading this will know it is for admissions to law school. I did that intentionally. :)

Thanks for the feedback though! :)


ok. Good job. We critique and help, but we probably over-think 90% of this. Good luck to you! I liked the screenplay concept/story, keep it up! You and M. Knight Shyalmalan need to have a meeting.




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