DS final draft... did I miss anything

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hawaii
Posts: 74
Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2010 9:15 pm

DS final draft... did I miss anything

Postby hawaii » Fri Nov 19, 2010 12:49 am

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Last edited by hawaii on Tue Nov 23, 2010 12:51 am, edited 2 times in total.

shoop
Posts: 327
Joined: Mon Feb 15, 2010 1:52 pm

Re: DS final draft... did I miss anything

Postby shoop » Fri Nov 19, 2010 1:16 am

It wasn't clear to me right away that someone had penned the prison bars over your photo and spent the first half of my skim wondering when the smack would be laid on the school newspaper editor who allowed a Photoshop-modified display of racism go to press. Clear that up, and I think it's a pretty darn interesting statement.

One more thing...

the men in both religions maintain a beard and turban

might read better as "devout male practitioners of both religions wear beards and turbans."

One practices a religion, rather than one being "in a religion."

hawaii
Posts: 74
Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2010 9:15 pm

Re: DS final draft... did I miss anything

Postby hawaii » Fri Nov 19, 2010 6:56 pm

Thanks shoop!
One practices a religion, rather than one being "in a religion."

I'm not entirely sure about Islam, but at least in Sikhism, men wear turbans, but a beard is something to be maintained, not worn.

Would this sound better?
Despite the fact that devout male adherents of both religions maintain a beard and wear a turban, the two are not interchangeable.

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Older Chest
Posts: 189
Joined: Tue Jun 08, 2010 2:08 pm

Re: DS final draft... did I miss anything

Postby Older Chest » Fri Nov 19, 2010 7:13 pm

Great essay. I agree with the above poster's suggestion, otherwise I would say you are golden.

hawaii
Posts: 74
Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2010 9:15 pm

Re: DS final draft... did I miss anything

Postby hawaii » Sat Nov 20, 2010 9:09 pm

Anyone else have any thoughts? I'd really like to submit my apps this week...




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