1st draft of PS. Opinions, critiques, please!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
zahunter
Posts: 28
Joined: Sat Nov 13, 2010 10:44 pm

1st draft of PS. Opinions, critiques, please!

Postby zahunter » Thu Nov 18, 2010 11:26 am

Thanks, I will revise and repost.
Last edited by zahunter on Mon Nov 22, 2010 2:28 pm, edited 2 times in total.

HangInThereBaby
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Jan 29, 2010 2:06 pm

Re: 1st draft of PS. Opinions, critiques, please!

Postby HangInThereBaby » Thu Nov 18, 2010 4:14 pm

I think you need to collect your thoughts a little and generate some flow. The beginning of your statement starts in one direction with experiences in the navy and then tangents to the life of a broken home. I think you might want to stick to one or the other, or incorporate your decision to join the navy into the beginning. Think about taking the 2nd paragraph out of the middle and putting it first as a start to at least give chronological flow. Hope that helps, good luck.

zahunter
Posts: 28
Joined: Sat Nov 13, 2010 10:44 pm

Re: 1st draft of PS. Opinions, critiques, please!

Postby zahunter » Mon Nov 22, 2010 2:28 pm

Thank you.




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