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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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aesis
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Joined: Fri Jul 09, 2010 9:26 pm

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Postby aesis » Wed Nov 17, 2010 6:58 pm

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Last edited by aesis on Tue Nov 23, 2010 10:50 pm, edited 4 times in total.

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3|ink
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Joined: Wed Dec 16, 2009 5:23 pm

Re: 4th Draft -- Weigh in, sirs and madames!

Postby 3|ink » Wed Nov 17, 2010 8:10 pm

This is very smooth writing, but I think the structure needs work.

The first paragraph seems more like a summary than an introduction. A lot of it is repeated in the end. I think you should start off with what got you in to blogging (a lot of the stuff in paragraph two). The trick will be coming up with a hook. Blogging is a common hobby, so you have to show why your case is interesting. I think you're trying to argue that you were motivated by a search for the truth. That's good, but I think you'd be better off if you provided a more concrete (for lack of a better term) incentive for your hobby. Instead of going straight for 'truth', you could say that you saw blogs as a window to a world beyond the confined reasoning of your family and friends. Maybe that's kind of lame when I describe it in those words, but I think it pretty much hints at your 'truth' theme without actually using the word. You could also tie in your race and name to this practice. The anonymity of blogging offered you a chance to create your own identity through your voice that was free of the cultural suppositions typically associated with your race and name.

From there, you should base the rest of your statement (minus the summary) on specific things you blogged about or how blogging helped you become a better writer / advocate.

Sorry I can't be of more help. I really know very little about blogging. However, I would recommend removing the descriptions of blogging. I think most people reading this have at least some idea of what blogging is.

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aesis
Posts: 323
Joined: Fri Jul 09, 2010 9:26 pm

Re: 4th Draft -- Weigh in, sirs and madames!

Postby aesis » Wed Nov 17, 2010 8:37 pm

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Last edited by aesis on Tue Nov 23, 2010 10:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: 4th Draft -- Weigh in, sirs and madames!

Postby 3|ink » Wed Nov 17, 2010 9:23 pm

I haven't applied yet, but my PS is done. I revised it to include more info about myself. It's about 200 words longer than before, but I'm satisfied.

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aesis
Posts: 323
Joined: Fri Jul 09, 2010 9:26 pm

Re: 4th Draft -- Weigh in, sirs and madames!

Postby aesis » Thu Nov 18, 2010 5:58 am

Bump before the East Coast gets up today. Holla people, please!

gmreplay
Posts: 171
Joined: Wed May 13, 2009 6:47 pm

Re: 4th Draft -- Weigh in, sirs and madames!

Postby gmreplay » Thu Nov 18, 2010 5:16 pm

In the first few lines you talk about how blogging reveals your commitment self expression and truth. I feel like you're telling rather than showing here. Perhaps you could just hint at this element and then later provide some examples.

Rather than saying that it allowed you to develop a vocabulary all your own, perhaps you could say that it permitted you to develop a voice.

I think you need to focus a lot more on your academic prowess. From your PS I derived that you are a brown person committed to the truth and who admires the law. This tells me nothing about your chances for success in law school. It tells me nothing about your commitment to study and learning. Cut down on some of the details about your blogging and throw in some information about, perhaps, how your academics and blog intertwined to help you develop your mind and view of the world.




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