Please Give Me Feedback on PS...Need to finish soon

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
kdmj21
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Nov 17, 2010 3:29 pm

Please Give Me Feedback on PS...Need to finish soon

Postby kdmj21 » Wed Nov 17, 2010 3:39 pm

Hey Everyone,

This is my 1st draft I know it is too long and needs a lot of work. Please let me know what you guys think is good/bad, can be cut, and basically any input you have.

Personal Statement

“Fumble!” shouted the 66,000 fans in attendance at the Edward Jones Dome. As the hometown St. Louis Rams’ defense celebrated their first turnover of the year, I watched the frustrated offense of the Arizona Cardinals return to the bench seated directly in front of me. “Ring!” screeched the huge machine behind me. I quickly turned around and located the light indicating the offensive phone. “Sideline,” I answered, firmly pressing the phone to my ear in an effort to block out the screaming fans. “Number 34” barked the Cardinals’ offensive coordinator. I scanned the bench in a hurry, found number 34, running back Tim Hightower, and gave him the phone. After the game ended, I entered the visitor’s locker room and jostled with members of the media for position as they swarmed the Cardinals’ pro bowl safety, Adrian Wilson. I stuck my recorder in the crowd to get Wilson’s post-game comments and then rushed upstairs to start transcribing. I finished transcribing Wilson’s responses word for word and turned them in to the Rams’ Director of Media Relations, Artis Twyman. My first NFL game was complete. As I walked to my car, thoroughly enjoying my new internship, I felt proud knowing that I had taken another step toward my goal.

As I entered my sophomore year of college at Missouri State University I knew I needed to make a decision. It was time to declare a major. Like many young college students, I was unsure about this important decision. I have always been motivated by success and I felt that in order to reach great success in my career I would have to be passionate about what I was doing. This part was easy. My passion has always been sports. From my childhood to today sports has been my true love. I love the competition and the challenge of constant improvement. When I chose to major in entertainment management some of my friends and family questioned the decision, stating that the industry was very competitive and not “safe”. I was aware that my goal would not be an easy one to reach, but most great things don’t come easy. I decided that if I wanted to follow my dreams I was going to put everything I had into it. I was already interested in attending law school so I decided to do some research. I found that a law degree could be beneficial to my goal in so many ways. Attending law school gives me the opportunity to study corporate law, contract law, entertainment and sport law, and much more. I decided then that I would major in entertainment management and attend law school.
I quickly learned that this decision was one that I would not regret.

The entertainment management program allowed me to study many aspects of business while focusing on the entertainment and sport industry. I was fortunate to learn from Dr. Phil Rothschild and Dr. Ben Goss who were very influential in my growth as a student and a person. Both professors demanded a lot from me, but both gave me great knowledge and advice in return. Dr. Rothschild taught me the importance of preparation and teamwork through his group presentation seminars. These projects required groups of 4-6 students to act as a professional organization providing a 50-minute seminar. My group and I spent countless hours organizing workbooks, creating power-point slides, and rehearsing our presenting skills. All of our work paid off when we delivered an A+ presentation.

Dr. Goss taught me how to be creative and work very hard. In Dr. Goss’ sport management class, our class was asked to help promote a rivalry game for our men’s soccer team who was having a great year but not drawing great attendance. Our entire class planned and promoted the event in three weeks. We had to overcome some tough obstacles in competing with the women’s basketball game the same day and Halloween the night before. We set up a pre-game ceremony and halftime show to add entertainment to the game and we reached out to the student body, local elementary schools and soccer teams to increase attendance. Our class also teamed up with a local food shelter and had fans bring canned goods in exchange for admission to the game. This idea pleased fans and collected a ton of food for the shelter. The game was a great success as around 1,075 fans showed up, far surpassing the normal attendance numbers by of a couple hundred people.

As my college career was coming to an end I knew it was time to take the next step towards my goal and get some quality work experience. One night I was out with some friends, discussing graduation, and I got a break. A friend of mine mentioned that her friend Julia, who is a few years older, was working with the St. Louis Rams. I knew who Julia was because we attended the same high school but I did not know her very well. I turned to facebook in a time of need and sent a professional message to Julia explaining that I would be graduating soon and was interested in internship opportunities. Julia was a great help and eventually I got a phone interview for a full-time public-relations internship. I prepared non-stop before the interview, researching the company and questions I should be ready to answer. The interview seemed to go great as I was prepared for every question and I couldn’t wait to hear back from the Rams. As the days went by I grew anxious waiting for the Rams decision. Finally I received a letter informing me that they had chosen someone else for the internship. This was very tough to take considering I was so pleased with my interview. I stayed in touch with Julia though and a few weeks later she offered me a smaller internship opportunity that was unpaid. I saw this as the opportunity I needed and took it. This internship has been an amazing experience. I am constantly learning and experiencing what working in the sport and entertainment industry is actually like.

I now feel that my education and work experiences have prepared me for law school. I am ready to take the next step toward my goal and devote myself to my studies. I look forward to learning more than ever in law school and continuing to grow as an individual. My experience in the sport and entertainment industry will bring a unique perspective to the classroom and I feel that earning a legal education will open up opportunities for me to be successful in many different areas of work, whether it is a career in law, business, or sports.

User avatar
glitched
Posts: 1040
Joined: Wed May 19, 2010 9:50 am

Re: Please Give Me Feedback on PS...Need to finish soon

Postby glitched » Wed Nov 17, 2010 4:22 pm

Read the first paragraph and stopped after reading the first sentence of the second paragraph. One thing I noticed was that you switched from formal to informal writing often. Il add more details later. I'm on a phone right now.

kdmj21
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Nov 17, 2010 3:29 pm

Re: Please Give Me Feedback on PS...Need to finish soon

Postby kdmj21 » Wed Nov 17, 2010 4:44 pm

Thanks, looking forward to hearing more from you. Did you like the first paragraph? Did the second one turn you off?




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