Work experience PS - first draft

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chrisnashville
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Work experience PS - first draft

Postby chrisnashville » Tue Nov 16, 2010 12:41 am

I accept all forms of criticism...

editedout;p
Last edited by chrisnashville on Tue Nov 23, 2010 7:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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chrisnashville
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Re: Work experience PS - first draft

Postby chrisnashville » Tue Nov 16, 2010 2:06 pm

bump.

I assume the people viewing this either had nothing useful to say or couldn't make it past my first paragraph :|

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glitter178
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Re: Work experience PS - first draft

Postby glitter178 » Tue Nov 16, 2010 2:10 pm

can i be honest? i skimmed the first time. your subject is interesting, but the way you've presented it is somewhat boring. on top of that, i'm not sure the whole first paragraph works. there is also a flow issue. try to make it more visceral, there should be passion behind working on the election and also experiencing storms..

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chrisnashville
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Re: Work experience PS - first draft

Postby chrisnashville » Tue Nov 16, 2010 2:19 pm

thanks:) I was worried about the flow, to be honest. I'm jumping back and forth between a few periods of time early in my career, and hoping to use being in the basement as a sort of cue... but it can be confusing, I agree...

I guess I want to impart this on the reader (simply): Because of my work ethic and desire to improve myself, I've been able to make a real-world impact...

what do you mean by "works" in the first paragraph? thanks again:)

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2807
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Re: Work experience PS - first draft

Postby 2807 » Tue Nov 16, 2010 2:47 pm

Ok, I read it.

It is not bad, and you certainly can write well. A couple of things that I see:

A little more focus on what you are trying to convey will help. There are 2 or 3 sentences that I believe are the thrust of your PS. Here they are:

1. "The longer my stay at _________, the more I learned and taught myself, and the more valuable an asset I have become."

2. "As I look to transition my career into law, I know I can bring that same enthusiasm and curiosity I’ve brought to my short career in journalism."

3. "I believe law will offer me the same intellectual stimulation, and I hope that I the effects of my work are as tangible as they are positive"

Now, if you look at one of these and say to yourself "that is what I am trying to say" then FOCUS on that. The focus will force the supporting paragraphs to be more relevant and less "scenery." Also, the focus will give you the confidence to assert things and drop the passive voice you are using all over in there. This is your chance to be assertive and declarative!

None of this:
1. "I had set out to learn as much as possible at the end of that summer."
2. "my quest to learn had gotten me to the basement of the newsroom that night"
3. "And it required programming skills that I had just gotten the hang of"
4. Combining my training in journalism with my newly acquired skills in web development was making me an invaluable part of my team upstairs."
5. "Some of those projects have been recognized for awards, where I know an impact has been made in the community"

and there are more....

Change those to declarative sentences and the "statement" part of this "personal statement" will thank you.

Typo here in the last sentence: "I believe law will offer me the same intellectual stimulation, and I hope that I the effects of my work are as tangible as they are positive."


Focus, and declare! Come on back.....

You write well, you can do it.

EDIT** Goodgrief, I just re-read your post here: SAY THIS!---> " I guess I want to impart this on the reader (simply): Because of my work ethic and desire to improve myself, I've been able to make a real-world impact...

That is clearer than the PS! Put that as the lead off sentence! Or put it in there somehow!

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chrisnashville
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Re: Work experience PS - first draft

Postby chrisnashville » Tue Nov 16, 2010 3:00 pm

Thanks so much for taking your time to write that all out! I haven't written anything resembling an essay since I graduated, and you've correctly reminded me that I'm still in love with the passive voice.

I'm worried that that sentence "I've made a real-world impact..." will sound bizarre at the beginning - more telling, not showing. I think though that it could be a great start to my conclusion, though?

I will go over each paragraph here when I get home from work and see if they support that thesis, at the very least.

Thanks again :-)

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2807
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Re: Work experience PS - first draft

Postby 2807 » Tue Nov 16, 2010 4:16 pm

Well, you are right in regard to that statement is a strong one, but you get the idea...

You could say "I have made a real-world impact..." IF you have... :)
If you have the goods to support that, then lay it on them!

If you do not, then lay out what you have and position that info as your "real-world impact." I bet you can.

Change "real-world" to "real" or "valuable" or "tangible" or "productive" or....??

"real-world" is the challenge to support and define. Pick a better adjective that maintains the power.

You are on the right page... and you should keep it to 2 to be safe. :)

Remember: It will be about your WORK ETHIC and DESIRE TO IMPROVE YOURSELF not necessarily the "real-world impact." Focus on the correct part of that declarative sentence!

Your paragraphs should address work ethic and desire to improve yourself... and not to much more. (if you choose this as your focus)

get it?

CanadianWolf
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Re: Work experience PS - first draft

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Nov 16, 2010 4:27 pm

Not good. Boring. No signifigant insights offered.

CHANGE: "an invaluable part of..." to "a valuable part of...".

The primary problem with your essay is that it is simply a recitation of "this is what I did, and this is what I had to learn to do my work".

CanadianWolf
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Re: Work experience PS - first draft

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Nov 16, 2010 4:31 pm

Not good. Boring. No significant insights offered.

CHANGE: "an invaluable part of..." to "a valuable part of...".

The primary problem with your essay is that it is simply a recitation of "this is what I did, and this is what I had to learn to do my work" instead of "these are my struggles, influences & motivations and this is what I now understand about myself & the world".

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chrisnashville
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Re: Work experience PS - first draft

Postby chrisnashville » Wed Nov 17, 2010 1:54 am

Thanks again 2087.

CanadianWolf, I understand your point. Although "invaluable" and "valuable" do have different meanings... perhaps you're saying I'm overstating it :-)

And I do worry about the insights offered. My principal worry is this is essentially a short essay on what you could gleam from my promotion on my resume -- I'm valued at work, and I've been the recipient of awards for it. But my "struggles, influences and motivations" might sound a little shallow in this context of work... I think what I "understand about myself & the world" could certainly be better weaved in. I think my conclusion seems tacked on, in the effort to answer that question. Thanks for the insight. As harsh as it came off ;)




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