Hoping to Submit This Week ( First post on TLS) Please Help

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
dndcbs
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Joined: Mon Nov 15, 2010 8:33 pm

Hoping to Submit This Week ( First post on TLS) Please Help

Postby dndcbs » Mon Nov 15, 2010 9:10 pm

Hey everybody, Your helpful but honest critique could really help. i acknowledge the closing needs work. :-) I wish everyone good luck with this cycle.
J.L.


There is a period immediately following the social experiment called high school that proves to involve all the numerous emotions of 4 high school years capsulated in a few summer months. When I look back at the transition I made from high school to college, this moment in time began no different than most young men in America, yet mine ended tragically different.
Out of the hundreds innocent faces on the pages of the Cypress Falls High School yearbook there I was nominee for both homecoming and prom king, a varsity letterman in basketball and football, and President of P.A.L.S, a service organization dedicated to mentoring troubled children, pictured gazing up respectfully at their high school hero. Graduation would prove to be just as momentous, wrapping my arms around my identical twin brother walking in stride those eight or nine steps across the stage to accept a paper that would symbolize the next stage of fulfilling a family dream deferred.
Neither was my family alarmingly different from many other young men in America. We were four boys, raised and supported by an amazingly resourceful and hard working mother. My two older brothers Bertrum and Broderick and identical twin, Jason, lived always under the watchful and loving eye of my mom. She was a single parent, with four growing boys to packed tightly in a quaint home in North Houston. Her job and way of income was our lifeline. She was lucky enough, we all were lucky enough, that she had climbed her way into a successful accounting position with a Fortune 500 company. For 15 years we enjoyed the fruits of her labor as she toiled away long work hours behind the blue glass 50 story tower on Smith Street, Downtown Houston.
I’d returned from my senior class trip a walking ball of emotion. Every sensation from the happiness of awaiting college to the sadness of leaving colleagues stirred and mixed within me as each day passed. As June 2001 arrived I became settled in the idea of new horizons. Jason and I both had applied and been accepted to Howard University. I once again found myself relishing in the direction my life was moving. Yet as abruptly as the feeling of utopia found me it escaped equally as fast with a brief glance at the evening news; a glance that would ultimately shape my ideas of justice, corporate responsibility, greed and its effect on the innocent.
Enron Corporation employed nearly 22,000 people, many of which were Houstonians. Unfortunately one of those employees was Alice Ravin, my mother. In the blink of an eye myself and twin brother’s entire college “nest egg” had vanished, or better said, based on faulty accounting and reporting, never existed. With the in-depth coverage on CNN, MSNBC, New York Times, and elsewhere all of which were devoid the real tangible stories of people like our family. Stories that described the end of a working mother’s employment coupled with the changes and challenges a family would be forced to face.
It seemed a dream shared by an entire family was slipping from our grasp. To date, more men in our family had visited state prisons then state universities. Not one of our family’s men held a college degree and only my mother topped the list of Ravin women with one year of higher learning. I was desperately hoping to be the change in trajectory our family needed.
Without my mother’s income, 401 K, or retirement benefits, it seemed absolutely impossible that either of us could attend such an expensive institution, much less both of us. We spent many of days with arms folded or faces resting in our palms searching for solutions. But, my mother was not one to give up easily in the face of such personal catastrophe. Late in the summer, I awoke one morning to find price tags all over the expensive dishes, lamps, tables, and furniture that adorned the house. If it wasn’t mounted to the ground, it wasn’t spared. The hatchback Acura my brother and I shared was listed in the classified. Jewelry that had belonged within the family for years was pawned. Ten days later nearly everything was sold. What wasn’t sold, my mother would deal to the local North Houston pawn shops. When everything in the house was gone, by the grace God of within month we were able to sell our home.
We no longer had a home of our own to come to home to. We did, however, have the sufficient funds to convince Howard to work with us for the first year. I learned many things from this experience. Though my mom was able to put our misfortune behind her, or acted as such convincingly, I followed the Enron story with both fascination and anger. What I eventually understood about the radical change in my life that was directly correlated to the decisions made by Enron’s leaders was that I never wished to be in their likeness. Moreso, it was a realization that in this land of opportunity and disdain for over-regulation there are divots, holes where the many citizens will not be protected. In the breath, those only interested in profit margins and shareholder
In there dark dealings, which they were quick to defend, they destroyed the lives of thousands in Houston, including jeopardizing the stability of our family. I decided then, that If I would have the opportunity to advocate for the Davids’ in our constant battle vs. Goliath that it was life’s work worth pursuing.
Ironically, after my graduation from Howard I found myself working for a Fortune 500 company. Before my senior exit interviews even began I was signing a contract with a reputable company that provided a great salary and was also merely just a short plane trip home. However, in this dream job for some I yearned for a higher calling. I felt impotent and unable to help those who needed it. Swallowed in a company with over 7,000 employees at the corporate office alone; I felt I had no real influence on the world around me. Every report I studied and conference call I made was about gross revenue and shareholder satisfaction. Vastly different from the worries of single parents, like my mother, and those young kids I had mentored throughout my high school and college years, kids reaching adulthood with few prospects and many barriers.
To a certain extinct I felt a similarity to the Enron “suits” I’d watched with contempt as they belittled there destruction before congress. Worse yet, I felt ungrateful for the opportunity that had been provided to me by my mother’s resourcefulness and sacrifice. If I was thankful, I certainly wasn’t showing it.
I began looking feverishly for a job where I could make some sort of difference; work that had value. Work where I could help the helpless and assuage the suffering. I owed my mother that much. I owed the world and the second chance I was given to work in a capacity that could strengthen my beliefs while defending those from corruption . I had been given a gift, and it should be used for the greater good. My new course took me to where I am today. I am now the Communications Director and Constituent Liaison for a sitting Houston city council member. In this position just recently I’ve played David to the Oil Goliath Schlumberger, as the corporation tried to dodge responsibility for contaminating the groundwater that rested below the congregation at a local church serving Houston’s historically neglected 3rd Ward community. For two years in my version of a dream job I’ve been able to advocate for the less fortunate, historically neglected, and like my mother, those who find themselves battling powers with unlimited resources.
I truly believe my life work should be and will be dedicated to public service. In the spirit of the circumstance that brought me Howard, to the fulfillment I receive from working for everyday citizens there are parallels in justice and civics within my life I have an ambition to intersect at your institution. I have forever forged in my memory price tags dangling from what I knew to be my mother’s most precious possession while in the same moment Ken Lay and others traveled by limo’s to court proceedings.
I owe my mom many things, but most of all, I owe her the opportunity to see her son as a man in a suit that works for the people not for my self interest alone; a man who helps others, without taking a helping himself and supports important causes, because they are just that, important.

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arkansawyer
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Re: Hoping to Submit This Week ( First post on TLS) Please Help

Postby arkansawyer » Mon Nov 15, 2010 9:44 pm

In there dark dealings, which they were quick to defend, they destroyed the lives of thousands in Houston, including jeopardizing the stability of our family. I decided then, that If I would have the opportunity to advocate for the Davids’ in our constant battle vs. Goliath that it was life’s work worth pursuing

needs to be "their". Sorry to nitpick, but that sort of thing will stand out to an adcomm

dndcbs
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Joined: Mon Nov 15, 2010 8:33 pm

Re: Hoping to Submit This Week ( First post on TLS) Please Help

Postby dndcbs » Mon Nov 15, 2010 9:46 pm

Please nitpick. Your absolutely right. Thanks a lot.

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arkansawyer
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Re: Hoping to Submit This Week ( First post on TLS) Please Help

Postby arkansawyer » Mon Nov 15, 2010 9:47 pm

Out of the hundreds innocent faces on the pages of the Cypress Falls High School yearbook there I was nominee for both homecoming and prom king

I would change this to "I was" or seperate the phrase with commas- ", there I was,"

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arkansawyer
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Re: Hoping to Submit This Week ( First post on TLS) Please Help

Postby arkansawyer » Mon Nov 15, 2010 9:49 pm

I once again found myself relishing in the direction my life was moving

I'd delete this, or edit the sentence to read- "I once again found relish in the direction my life was moving"

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arkansawyer
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Re: Hoping to Submit This Week ( First post on TLS) Please Help

Postby arkansawyer » Mon Nov 15, 2010 9:50 pm

Once again, not trying to be down on your statement, it's really good; just trying to be thorough.

dndcbs
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Joined: Mon Nov 15, 2010 8:33 pm

Re: Hoping to Submit This Week ( First post on TLS) Please Help

Postby dndcbs » Mon Nov 15, 2010 9:55 pm

Actually, your being more than helpful. Very simple and messy mistakes like these will ultimately disqualify my application. I should have been more thorough before posting. Sorry about that. Thanks again!

How do you feel about the content? Any particular part of the story unclear or uninteresting? Does it communicate a serious event that peaked an interest in law worth selling?

Thanks Again.

TexasGE
Posts: 221
Joined: Mon Nov 15, 2010 5:06 pm

Re: Hoping to Submit This Week ( First post on TLS) Please Help

Postby TexasGE » Mon Nov 15, 2010 10:28 pm

Great PS! I think you may need to cut it down - it is long.

"However, in this dream job for some I yearned for a higher calling." ??

"Work where I could help the helpless and assuage the suffering. "?? maybe change to "Find work somewhere I could help the homeless..."

This needs re-wording and punctuation: "I owed my mother that much. I owed the world and the second chance I was given to work in a capacity that could strengthen my beliefs while defending those from corruption ."

Not trying to nitpick, just pointing a few things out. This piece highlights YOU and your potential as a successful law student.

Good luck!

dndcbs
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Nov 15, 2010 8:33 pm

Re: Hoping to Submit This Week ( First post on TLS) Please Help

Postby dndcbs » Mon Nov 15, 2010 10:46 pm

Thanks a lot, seriously. I' ll keep this up in case others wish to add there 2 cents.

All of your tips are dead on..

Very Grateful..

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BrownBears09
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Re: Hoping to Submit This Week ( First post on TLS) Please Help

Postby BrownBears09 » Mon Nov 15, 2010 10:58 pm

dndcbs wrote:Actually, your you're being more than helpful.


"Your" is possessive. "You're" is a contraction of "you" and "are."

Noticed you made the same mistake twice in your responses, so I'm under the assumption that it is a common error in other facets as well.

dndcbs
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Joined: Mon Nov 15, 2010 8:33 pm

Re: Hoping to Submit This Week ( First post on TLS) Please Help

Postby dndcbs » Tue Nov 16, 2010 1:04 am

Thanks, I'll be more careful of that. Simply not paying attention... a dangerous characteristic for an aspiring lawyer. I'll make sure to look for that in other writings.

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MysticalWheel
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Re: Hoping to Submit This Week ( First post on TLS) Please Help

Postby MysticalWheel » Tue Nov 16, 2010 1:15 am

I think you mean "extent," not "extinct," and it's "limos", not "limo's" (no possessive). Otherwise, a great narrative overall.

MW




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