First Draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
rockspaperjesus
Posts: 66
Joined: Thu Nov 04, 2010 1:06 pm

First Draft

Postby rockspaperjesus » Mon Nov 15, 2010 2:32 pm

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Last edited by rockspaperjesus on Wed Jan 19, 2011 10:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: First Draft

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Nov 15, 2010 3:00 pm

Great as a cathartic exercise for you, not so great as a revealing personal statement. Too long & too repetitive. Unconvincing that you have forgiven your father. Your emotional scars are plainly visible. Better to recognize this & face it than to camouflage the pain.
On the positive side, your essay is well written & contains several mature insights that can only come from personal experience.
It is difficult to convey such a tormented aspect of one's life without seeking sympathy when detached awareness and gained wisdom is the goal. This is somewhat similiar to one who has chosen to act as his own attorney in a criminal trial in that a sense of objective detachment is needed to be effective.

rockspaperjesus
Posts: 66
Joined: Thu Nov 04, 2010 1:06 pm

Re: First Draft

Postby rockspaperjesus » Mon Nov 15, 2010 3:16 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:Great as a cathartic exercise for you, not so great as a revealing personal statement. Too long & too repetitive. Unconvincing that you have forgiven your father. Your emotional scars are plainly visible. Better to recognize this & face it than to camouflage the pain.
On the positive side, your essay is well written & contains several mature insights that can only come from personal experience.
It is difficult to convey such a tormented aspect of one's life without seeking sympathy when detached awareness and gained wisdom is the goal. This is somewhat similiar to one who has chosen to act as his own attorney in a criminal trial in that a sense of objective detachment is needed to be effective.


Thanks for your input. I've never put this aspect of my life in written word before so I suppose it was a bit cathartic for me. It is something I continue to struggle with but have begun to understand and accept. I don't think complete detachment will be possible..or desired? I dunno. Any thoughts on whether or not this is something viable to work with/from?

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: First Draft

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Nov 15, 2010 3:29 pm

As written it is borderline excellent. Complete detachment is not the goal, nor is it possible, but if you get close it produces a more powerful effect just as a criminal defendant representing himself can fashion a more effective defense if he knows & understands how to convict himself. Condensing the current version can be one method of achieving a bit more detachment. Strive for less reader sympathy & more reader appreciation of your gained wisdom & insights that are more widely applicable.
A crude example can be derived from a crying baby. If the baby cries briefly & then stops, everyone is attentive & curious, but if the baby cries unremittingly, then everyone just wants it to stop.
Another way of attaining the proper tone is not to go as far as seeking your father's forgiveness, but to forgive yourself.

TexasGE
Posts: 221
Joined: Mon Nov 15, 2010 5:06 pm

Re: First Draft

Postby TexasGE » Mon Nov 15, 2010 6:44 pm

Great story, it is long (which you already know), but the material is all there to 'show' YOU. I think focusing more on your 'emotional and intellectual maturity' (why are you mature?) and discussing your 'defining terms' would intensify your strong and compassionate personality and highlight the aspects of yourself that will make you a great law student.




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