please critique GPA/transcript addendum (VERY rough draft)

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
JGF60623
Posts: 10
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 4:38 pm

please critique GPA/transcript addendum (VERY rough draft)

Postby JGF60623 » Sun Nov 14, 2010 10:07 pm

GO AT IT:

Immediately before beginning my first semester at _____, my parents became unemployed. With two children still at home, they told me they could no longer financially support me. Feeling betrayed that I chose to attend college instead of staying home to help the family, I was informed I could not return home. With no savings, I financed my education and living expenses through full-time work and student loans. Working 35 to 40 hours per week with a full course load quickly took its toll on me, especially during my first two years at ______. I was underperforming and mistakenly thought withdrawing from classes to lighten my class load would change things.

Summer 2005 proved to be especially draining: after two years of living in dormitories during the school year and with friends over the summer, I signed a lease to my own apartment. I did not have enough to cover rent after the security deposit, much less for books, so I decided to withdraw from fall semester 2005. During that time, I had plenty of time to contemplate how I could change things going forward. I realized my study patterns and work and school schedules had to change dramatically. I worked as much overtime as I could, saved and re-enrolled for Spring 2006.

Though shaky at first, I reworked my work and class schedules, tried different ways of studying and in the end, raised my average GPA from 2.778 in 2003 to 3.467 in 2007.

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PinkCow
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Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2010 2:03 am

Re: please critique GPA/transcript addendum (VERY rough draft)

Postby PinkCow » Mon Nov 15, 2010 1:28 am

Sounds like you've got some good reasons, but it's too long and detailed. It's gonna come off more like complaining than anything. Plus, it's way too wordy. Adcoms won't want to read it. Here are my tips:

Be direct
Be succinct.
Explain, don't excuse.

I would say something like this:

"During (x) years, I had to work full time and withdraw from classes because my parents had no money. I worked my butt off and saved enough money to re-enroll. I studied hard, worked hard, and managed to pull my grades up."

Chip chop chip.

JGF60623
Posts: 10
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 4:38 pm

Re: please critique GPA/transcript addendum (VERY rough draft)

Postby JGF60623 » Tue Nov 16, 2010 12:53 am

Thanks! That's what my gut told me. The reason I elaborated so much is I don't mention the fact that I've been on my own since 17 anywhere else in my app.

Any other suggestions?

JGF60623
Posts: 10
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 4:38 pm

Re: please critique GPA/transcript addendum (VERY rough draft)

Postby JGF60623 » Mon Nov 22, 2010 3:27 pm

How's this:

I worked full-time during my time at _______________. I was financially self-sufficient but was unable to make ends meet before Fall 2005. Accordingly, I withdrew from that semester, worked as much as I could and saved enough money to re-enroll. After being out of school for what felt like a lifetime, I was more motivated than ever to do well. I was able to raise my GPA, get a promotion at work and take on an internship in my last semester.




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